Why my life is awesome...
It's full of would-be rapists, liars, opportunists, and scum bags... and they all say that they're "spiritual."
And I always let them trick me into caring about them. And then they suck me dry "spiritually," emotionally, intellectually, and financially.
And then I end up having to choose between always being alone or hanging out with a friend who would like to use the emotional instability of the situation to get a strings-free feel-better fuck.
And I'm sick of feeling like the company of other human beings has to come at such a large price for me every time.
What I am indifferent towards is this: Winston Burns. I can't hate him and I surely can't love him. I can't care about what happens to him. Truly who could feel anything beyond indifference for an empty gaping hole that just sucks the joy and purpose right out of everything? To hate it is too indulgent. I plan to ignore it and sooner or later- and the sooner the better- it will cave in on itself. And then it will be what it secretly had been from the very beginning, nothing; an absolute absence of anything that I can't ever mind again in case it develops a new- though false- sense of self-importance and expands once more into the wretched vortex where the good in my life goes to fester and warp and return to me hideously altered. Following this great collapse I look forward to a time when I could look directly at him without having to inwardly reproach myself to all the beautiful things I let him ruin. Nothingness begets nothingness and certainly not regret.
And I hope I still feel that way tomorrow.
And I hope I remember that when he performs all that theatre that always tricks me back into loving him.
And I hope that he wasn't the one I was supposed to be with. Because I don't want to walk through life alone but I also don't want to do it with the incarnation of misery that he is to me.
My greatest fear is that I'll never know a soul to share all this life with. That I'll always be alone with myself whom I sometimes find even less agreeable the abyss that is my ex.
And I always let them trick me into caring about them. And then they suck me dry "spiritually," emotionally, intellectually, and financially.
And then I end up having to choose between always being alone or hanging out with a friend who would like to use the emotional instability of the situation to get a strings-free feel-better fuck.
And I'm sick of feeling like the company of other human beings has to come at such a large price for me every time.
What I am indifferent towards is this: Winston Burns. I can't hate him and I surely can't love him. I can't care about what happens to him. Truly who could feel anything beyond indifference for an empty gaping hole that just sucks the joy and purpose right out of everything? To hate it is too indulgent. I plan to ignore it and sooner or later- and the sooner the better- it will cave in on itself. And then it will be what it secretly had been from the very beginning, nothing; an absolute absence of anything that I can't ever mind again in case it develops a new- though false- sense of self-importance and expands once more into the wretched vortex where the good in my life goes to fester and warp and return to me hideously altered. Following this great collapse I look forward to a time when I could look directly at him without having to inwardly reproach myself to all the beautiful things I let him ruin. Nothingness begets nothingness and certainly not regret.
And I hope I still feel that way tomorrow.
And I hope I remember that when he performs all that theatre that always tricks me back into loving him.
And I hope that he wasn't the one I was supposed to be with. Because I don't want to walk through life alone but I also don't want to do it with the incarnation of misery that he is to me.
My greatest fear is that I'll never know a soul to share all this life with. That I'll always be alone with myself whom I sometimes find even less agreeable the abyss that is my ex.