And though I hardly know her, I let her in my veins and trust her with my life..
I spent.. am spending a lot of time wondering about this.. about how I feel, how I've felt.. What I should do.. Where my life is going..
The most frighting part is that I'm really not all that sure where my life is going. I'm not sure the answers to a lot of these questions - I feel so mixed up inside, and although everyone is telling me I've done the right thing I just can't be sure that I have. I don't know if that's something that I'll know in time, or if I'll always hold this uncertainty. I spoke with a friend who said that what I was in was an abusive relationship, that It's good I got out before I was really hurt. But.. I'm already really hurt, aren't I? I feel myself starting to crack and break around the seams, and although I can smile and laugh with friends, I know that inside I feel hollow and I don't know how to fix it. I want to curl up and not exist, but I know that I can't do that, no matter how appealing it sounds. I've vowed to see this through til the end no matter what.
For a long time I felt like it was my fault. It was my fault he'd yell and screamed. It was my fault that he lied to me, cheated on me. It was my fault that he.. hit me. If I had tried a little bit harder maybe he would have been nicer - maybe I said or did the wrong thing, and that was my fault, too. I should have just done better, and things would be better. I just fell into that feeling where I felt like I could stay - things would get better if I said or did the right things.. But no matter what things I said or did, it always was the same result. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
It was the same way for our d/s relationship. He wouldn't submit to me, told me flat out that he could never submit to someone like me. I was an emotional paper bag. As if that weren't bad enough, he was forcing me to be submissive all the time - For those of you who aren't in a d/s relationship.. When you are a switch, it means you are both submissive and dominant. For me, it depended on my mood. Being forced to be submissive 24/7 was like being shoved into a cage where a part of myself was forced to slowly die off. I didn't get to do any of that for almost a year. I tried once to be dominant to him and he picked me up by the throat and threw me off of him. After that I was just afraid to try. I just let that part of myself fall into the background, but it hurt. Meanwhile he continued to lie over and over while we lived with her. I could be right next to him and it wouldn't matter - His only concern was that I not notice. Then, once we moved out I thought things would get better, after all, that's what he said. He said things would get better... He promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore.. And a week went by where I thought things were okay.. until I got a phone call from friends, and told me that he'd been talking to her again.. How worthless could I feel? Maybe there was a reason that I was an emotional paper bag.. Every time I gave a little trust it was like a knife to the back - Every step I took found me shoved back against a rock until I thought I would suffocate with all of the pressure.
I felt so awful having shoved that part of myself down for so long until I caved, and started talking to a submissive. Andrew showed little resistance to me speaking to him, so I didn't stop. My biggest thing.. was that I was giving Andrew everything that I had, every ounce of my soul - but he could not return that. He held himself apart from me, as if I weren't good enough.. and even as he was holding himself apart he was assuring me that I was indeed good enough. The submissive eventually moved here, even though Andrew did argue that.. Still, Andrews only argument to that was bills, as if that was the reason that he didn't want the submissive there. Later he would shove it in my face that I had hurt him by having the submissive at all.. Yet he never said that, and I was just expected to know.
We fought and argued in between all this, too... Then there was the whole Raven mess.. Where I swear I was lied to because all we agreed to was for him to have a play partner.. and he went ahead and let himself be more than that - There was 0 communication between her and I, or Andrew and I for that matter.. That was when I went to Adam and gnoras.. When I came back he told me that he would just be submissive to me - He swears now he never said that, but I know that he did. I heard it, and 'm not in the habit of imagining things. He took that back later, stating that I was imagining things, and even though he told me he wouldn't push things with Raven, that he wouldn't try for anything else between her and him, he still did. He still pushed me to let him see her, even though this is the 3rd instance that he had lied to me about her.
After that it was just like I couldn't let go of the past.. It was all too much - I can't let go of all that hurt - and although I've tried, and god knows I love him.. but I just don't think that I can go back. I hurt so much, and with everything that happened.. between the emotional and physical abuse... I just...
I guess there's just too much I still don't know.
The most frighting part is that I'm really not all that sure where my life is going. I'm not sure the answers to a lot of these questions - I feel so mixed up inside, and although everyone is telling me I've done the right thing I just can't be sure that I have. I don't know if that's something that I'll know in time, or if I'll always hold this uncertainty. I spoke with a friend who said that what I was in was an abusive relationship, that It's good I got out before I was really hurt. But.. I'm already really hurt, aren't I? I feel myself starting to crack and break around the seams, and although I can smile and laugh with friends, I know that inside I feel hollow and I don't know how to fix it. I want to curl up and not exist, but I know that I can't do that, no matter how appealing it sounds. I've vowed to see this through til the end no matter what.
For a long time I felt like it was my fault. It was my fault he'd yell and screamed. It was my fault that he lied to me, cheated on me. It was my fault that he.. hit me. If I had tried a little bit harder maybe he would have been nicer - maybe I said or did the wrong thing, and that was my fault, too. I should have just done better, and things would be better. I just fell into that feeling where I felt like I could stay - things would get better if I said or did the right things.. But no matter what things I said or did, it always was the same result. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
It was the same way for our d/s relationship. He wouldn't submit to me, told me flat out that he could never submit to someone like me. I was an emotional paper bag. As if that weren't bad enough, he was forcing me to be submissive all the time - For those of you who aren't in a d/s relationship.. When you are a switch, it means you are both submissive and dominant. For me, it depended on my mood. Being forced to be submissive 24/7 was like being shoved into a cage where a part of myself was forced to slowly die off. I didn't get to do any of that for almost a year. I tried once to be dominant to him and he picked me up by the throat and threw me off of him. After that I was just afraid to try. I just let that part of myself fall into the background, but it hurt. Meanwhile he continued to lie over and over while we lived with her. I could be right next to him and it wouldn't matter - His only concern was that I not notice. Then, once we moved out I thought things would get better, after all, that's what he said. He said things would get better... He promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore.. And a week went by where I thought things were okay.. until I got a phone call from friends, and told me that he'd been talking to her again.. How worthless could I feel? Maybe there was a reason that I was an emotional paper bag.. Every time I gave a little trust it was like a knife to the back - Every step I took found me shoved back against a rock until I thought I would suffocate with all of the pressure.
I felt so awful having shoved that part of myself down for so long until I caved, and started talking to a submissive. Andrew showed little resistance to me speaking to him, so I didn't stop. My biggest thing.. was that I was giving Andrew everything that I had, every ounce of my soul - but he could not return that. He held himself apart from me, as if I weren't good enough.. and even as he was holding himself apart he was assuring me that I was indeed good enough. The submissive eventually moved here, even though Andrew did argue that.. Still, Andrews only argument to that was bills, as if that was the reason that he didn't want the submissive there. Later he would shove it in my face that I had hurt him by having the submissive at all.. Yet he never said that, and I was just expected to know.
We fought and argued in between all this, too... Then there was the whole Raven mess.. Where I swear I was lied to because all we agreed to was for him to have a play partner.. and he went ahead and let himself be more than that - There was 0 communication between her and I, or Andrew and I for that matter.. That was when I went to Adam and gnoras.. When I came back he told me that he would just be submissive to me - He swears now he never said that, but I know that he did. I heard it, and 'm not in the habit of imagining things. He took that back later, stating that I was imagining things, and even though he told me he wouldn't push things with Raven, that he wouldn't try for anything else between her and him, he still did. He still pushed me to let him see her, even though this is the 3rd instance that he had lied to me about her.
After that it was just like I couldn't let go of the past.. It was all too much - I can't let go of all that hurt - and although I've tried, and god knows I love him.. but I just don't think that I can go back. I hurt so much, and with everything that happened.. between the emotional and physical abuse... I just...
I guess there's just too much I still don't know.