How can I love when I'm afraid
So.. Laying here in the dark, it's currently 2:27am. Tears come on and off. I'm not sure if it's loneliness or the acceptance that I Am Alone. That part of me wants to go back, an I'm not sure why. I realize that I don't know who I am without someone else. I don't like that. I don't exist to be with someone else.. I can be my own person too, I think.
That, too, scares me. What if I'm nothing, worthless? What if I fail? I .. Have always had really strong survival instincts. They override everything else In my life. I worry I'll never have anything to keep until that's sorted out, and that, too scares me.
I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I can't stay here - what will I do? Where will I go? I'm so afraid, and it's been a long time since I've had to be alone like this.. And I think to myself, I'm Damaged goods.. When I was a kid with my first boyfriend in highschool.. His mother could see it, too. She told him I was broken and the world could see it. That I would only hurt him, and others. She was right.
I should try to sleep again, but I can't.
Instead I'll count the minutes until I can be up and functioning again. Goodnight, world.