She's in the bathroom, she pleasures herself.. Says I'm a bad man
Things have been.. tense, to say the least.
I suppose if I want to be blunt about it, they've been pretty bad. We've been fighting almost every single day, he's always mad at me for something. It makes me feel like I can never do anything right - like.. this weekend, I worked midnights.. and I knew how bad he wanted to go caching.. So instead of coming home to sleep Sunday we drove out to the park after I got out of work - Well, I probably should have just come home to sleep.. I was tired and grouchy after a couple of hours.. but I tried, for him. I don't think that matters to him, though. He only sees that we wasted a day, money, time - it was only disappointing. So he gets upset and yells. He apologized later, but you can't change the past. It's always like that - he gets set off by little things and then blows up at me, only to apologize later. But I've already felt terrible and probably cried, and apologizing only does so much after a while. I'm tired of fighting and arguging, and I'm sick of being yelled at over the smallest things.
Some days.. it feels like he's giving into progress with submitting to me - and other days it feels like we are moving backwards. He has his moments, but they seem to only be moments. I can't help but think of the things Rob told me about what llyn and him were talking about, even though he told me not to. I know it was out of context, but it drives me nuts. I'm never going to be a disciplinarian - People are not all alike in how they are dominant/submissive.. and I'll never be that person. He can't let me bite him without growling and wanting to hurt me back.. I dunno. I've tried everything I can think of - and I'm just tired. I don't think it's too much to want the same things that I give him - I want us to be equals, but it feels like he doesn't want to or can't share that part of himself with me. I got him to be submissive the other day but he couldn't even roll over for me. He's so raw, and I don't know how to fix it, to make it better because he never lets me in. I just want things to be okay between us - I want him to share himself with me as I do with him. That's it. I want us to spend our lives together but as equals...
Things at work have been okay, mostly. Some jackhole let all the air out of our tires but we got it fixed for free so that wasn't too bad. Still, makes me nervous.
The thing is, when things are good between us they are amazing - I could weep with happiness. Those are the moments I strive for, that I hope to turn into more than just moments. I will keep trying though, because neither of us is ready to quit, yet. I believe we can be constantly happy together if we just let eachother in.
I have to go shover and shave and stuff before he gets home.. I feel like there is too much being left unsaid, but it's all things I've said over and over and over so I'm sure he's sick to death of hearing.
Here's hoping for a good night.
This is leopard, signing out.
I suppose if I want to be blunt about it, they've been pretty bad. We've been fighting almost every single day, he's always mad at me for something. It makes me feel like I can never do anything right - like.. this weekend, I worked midnights.. and I knew how bad he wanted to go caching.. So instead of coming home to sleep Sunday we drove out to the park after I got out of work - Well, I probably should have just come home to sleep.. I was tired and grouchy after a couple of hours.. but I tried, for him. I don't think that matters to him, though. He only sees that we wasted a day, money, time - it was only disappointing. So he gets upset and yells. He apologized later, but you can't change the past. It's always like that - he gets set off by little things and then blows up at me, only to apologize later. But I've already felt terrible and probably cried, and apologizing only does so much after a while. I'm tired of fighting and arguging, and I'm sick of being yelled at over the smallest things.
Some days.. it feels like he's giving into progress with submitting to me - and other days it feels like we are moving backwards. He has his moments, but they seem to only be moments. I can't help but think of the things Rob told me about what llyn and him were talking about, even though he told me not to. I know it was out of context, but it drives me nuts. I'm never going to be a disciplinarian - People are not all alike in how they are dominant/submissive.. and I'll never be that person. He can't let me bite him without growling and wanting to hurt me back.. I dunno. I've tried everything I can think of - and I'm just tired. I don't think it's too much to want the same things that I give him - I want us to be equals, but it feels like he doesn't want to or can't share that part of himself with me. I got him to be submissive the other day but he couldn't even roll over for me. He's so raw, and I don't know how to fix it, to make it better because he never lets me in. I just want things to be okay between us - I want him to share himself with me as I do with him. That's it. I want us to spend our lives together but as equals...
Things at work have been okay, mostly. Some jackhole let all the air out of our tires but we got it fixed for free so that wasn't too bad. Still, makes me nervous.
The thing is, when things are good between us they are amazing - I could weep with happiness. Those are the moments I strive for, that I hope to turn into more than just moments. I will keep trying though, because neither of us is ready to quit, yet. I believe we can be constantly happy together if we just let eachother in.
I have to go shover and shave and stuff before he gets home.. I feel like there is too much being left unsaid, but it's all things I've said over and over and over so I'm sure he's sick to death of hearing.
Here's hoping for a good night.
This is leopard, signing out.