Things that make you go hmm

Feb 21, 2007 03:42


So here I am. Still awake. I woke up at like 9 am, went to work for 10..got out at 11 pm. I hate when the girls are on vacation. I'm thinkin' about calling out sick for Friday...so I don't have to go in for 10 am again.

Well besides WORK (story of my life), I bought a freakin' LAPTOP. I love it. When I brought it home, Shawn wasn't thrilled. He just nodded when I told him. I think he's mad because he wanted me to buy him a PS3. But, I'm sorry, a laptop has far more uses than a game console. Granted, I'd use the PS3 as well, it's just not worth 600 bucks to me. Wait a year or so. Buy a used one when people start getting bored with it. Besides, I really want a Wii. :-p I'm loyal to Nintendo.

I'm officially convinced that Chad (Shawn's brother) is STUPID. How the hell are you going to pour water into a glass cassarole dish that has been sitting in the oven for an hour at like 300 degrees? Needless to say, the glass shattered instantly. Glass everywhere. He did a shitty job of cleaning it up too. We think the dog ate a piece of glass because she came out of the kitchen chewing something that sounded wayyy more crunchy than her dry food. Well, that's what happens when you do a half ass job of cleaning up and the dog finds a piece of glass on the floor that has pork loin juice on it. Idiots. Both of them. So anyways...today, when I was putting the pots and pans away, I opened the little "drawer" that's under most ovens and there's fucking glass EVERYWHERE in it. I said, out loud,"Well, no shit, huh." Even though no one was even awake. I don't fucking know anymore. I just can't wait to move out of here. I'm pretty sure Shawn feels the same way too. My sister is supposed to be moving into a house sometime soon. She's hoping within the next few months.  So hopefully her apartment will be available to me and Shawn by this summer. I freakin' hope so. I'm losing my mind. The thing that bugs me the most is probably the phone bill. Because I'm paying it all by myself and I use the internet the least. But you know, if I say something about it, I'll be considered a bitch. No matter what I say about bills, I'm considered a bitch. I say this because the electric bill is outta fucking control. I'm sick of being behind on it because Chad and Jess can't manage their money. Not to mention, Jess lost her job and is going to school for something she doesn't even NEED in order to get a job in that specific field. What REALLY pisses me off about her losing her job is that fact that, she walked off of her shift...Now why the FUCK would you do that after you saw someone else get fired for doing the exact same thing?! And I could see being careless because you have another job lined up, but no no no...she had no back up plan. So meanwhile, she's calling unemployment EVERYDAY. Just go out and get another fucking job and stop being lazy!!! Because her man doesn't do shit. Yeah, he works...but maybe only 30 hours a week...and I'm being generous. Because, as we speak, he still hasn't gotten up and his alarm was going off about an hour ago. He shows up to work whenever he pleases. He's gonna be the next one to lose his job.

It's sickening because I'm the youngest in the house and I work more hours and make more money than everyone else. And everyone else has more experience from different jobs they've had...but here they are doing nothing to better themselves. I just don't like it here. I feel like they drag me down. Shawn doesn't give me enough praise. Not too long ago, I asked him if he was proud of me. For what? For sticking with the job that I have now, for almost 8 months, and working at LEAST 40 hours a week. Did he say yes? No. He made some sort of joke. Well, what was supposed to be a joke. I'd like some encouragement. I enjoy when people recognize the GOOD things I do. My manager gave me more praise today about my work performance than Shawn has given me in the 8 months that I've been at this job. He thinks it's just "babysitting". Right, since when do you restrain someone you're "babysitting". I mean, the shit we deal with at work fucks you up in the head. In example...about a month ago, a client was cutting herself right in front of me and another staff. Now, granted, that's nothing new to me, but like, to see that shit isn't "normal". I mean, it's something that people do, yes, but it's not something a person typically sees everyday. And I'm not saying people who cut aren't normal...trust...I know all too well about it. It's just, it fucks with your head. Especially given MY own history of it. I'm like, damn, don't you realize what you're doing? And I want to show them MY scars..and tell them exactly when they were from, what I was feeling when I did it and why. Just to make them realize, it works in the moment, if only for a little while, but then you're stuck with these scars that other people just HAVE TO KNOW are self inflicted. It sucks. I experience that feeling EVERY summer when I wear shorts. The scars on my calf are ridiculous. And they absolutely look self inflicted, no way to deny I made them. And the ones on my upper arm are pretty much always visible because I wear short sleeve shirts all the time. They're more faded though. But reguardless, it fucking sucks. And it was silly of me to cut myself to the point that I left AWFUL scars on my body. And these scars that I'm referring to are about 6 years old...they're not going to continue to fade.

One thing is for sure...The memories of my first year on my own - living here, working at this job, feeling the way I feel - will never fade. But I keep trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason.

Goodnight,

-Oats
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