So Far to be One Fucked Up Weekend!!!!!!!
First off I would like to say that I knew something this shitty was going to happen from the start; the beginning of the week I mean. One is because whenever I was done being sick my work (Pizza Torrino) hired more people when they knew that I was going to be coming back after I was done being sick. So whenever I went down there on Wensday I believe; they told me that they thought I quit. Which was total BULLSHIT!!! So then I start to talk to Amela about why the fuck they took me off the schedule and only put me on for two hours that day and five for next Wensday. She really had no answer except for hiring more people. I was really fucking pissed. That was only the beginning.
"THE JOB"
Then Thursday comes. I guess it was an o.k. day but for the fact that Pizza Torrino still had no good answer for me wasn't enough. So I just said "FUCK IT"!!! Just like that. So what the fuck. It's been a shitty week so far so why not make it more shitty-er than it is I say. Friday comes. Oh, Friday. What a glorous day it was I must say. I wake up and smoke the last of my ciggs which practically (excuse my typing errors) happens everyday of the week and notice Jeff was gone; which was around 10:00 a.m.. So after I smoked a cigg I went back to sleep...as usuall. Then I wake up again. I know what you people are thinking; I'm fucking retarded for typing everything that happened so far on Friday. Yeah, so deal with it. So I wake up and Jeff was back from his interview at Wendy's and yes he got the job (hooray for him) and his new cell phone came in the mail. Yeah that's right; it came in the mail. So what do you think happened next. Yep that's right; he called people from his new cell phone and downloaded games and ringtones as well. So what are you thinking is going to happen next.
1.) Is he going to have enough money on his first paycheck to pay off the cell phone bill?
2.) Is he going to be able to pay off his cell phone bill and be able to buy a car with the same paycheck?
3.) Or is he going to not be able to pay off his cell phone bill and not be abel to buy a car with car insurance and if he did get a car and car insurance is he going to be able to pay for gas money?
I know what you are thinking. That last option is kinda long with a few runon senteces. Guess what, oh fucking well. I'm stupid according so some people but guess what; so FUCKING BE IT I say. But anyways I'm getting off the subject here. What do you think is going to happen with the options that I gave you? I'm not saying what the answer could be but hell; any of them can work if he chooses to. He thinks he is going to get over 40 hrs. a week. Guess what; you might if you prove to them that you can work and think fast. Even though they do tell you that you're granted the 40 hrs. they really are not going to give that to you the first few months that you work. O.K.. Maybe 20 at max for the beginning but until you can prove that you are a good employee you only get the lousy 20 hrs. a week. You're probably thinking, "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!!!". Well guess what? Yes I fucking am.. It fucking sucks out there in the real world and most of the people that you meet. Most people do the things that I'm going to mention to you right fucking now:
1.) Lie to their peers.
2.) Steal from their parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc...
3.) Talk about how fucking hard life is when in reality have never experienced the real downs in life because they want everyone to feel sorry for them. (ties in with symptom #1)
4.) Acts like a hardass around other people.
5.) Thinks that they can get everything that they want if they ask for some money from everyone else in the family here and there. (preppy-ass-fucks)
6.) Thinks that everything is theirs even though they don't pay for a goddamn fucking thing.
And last but not least:
7.) Just flat out; don't know a goddamn fucking thing that they are talking about. (shit-talker)
"MUSIC"
Those are the seven symptoms to the different kinds of people in the world but mostly how they act. And to tell you the truth, it really pisses me off when Jeff says "What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." Bull-fucking-shit. Whenever I come home and most of my CD's (see how I put that in caps) are fucking missing from the cases. I fucking have A.D.D. towards my fucking music. When it comes to music I know what I'm talking about. Yeah I know that you just wanted to listen to them but dude, whenever I just buy an album from any band I want to listen to it for weeks on end so I can remember all the words to every song. NOT YOU!!! I didn't buy those two albums for you. I fucking love Green Day to fucking death but whenever I see that it's missing from my cd tower or missing from it's case I'll get fucking pissed. I mean asking me for my permission would have been nice but taking it away from me is taking my fucking life away. Hell I want to start a band. Hell I want to do this. Hell I want to do that but in the long run it'll take me a while to do so. I'm extreamly pissed that I have no job anymore but I just fucking have to deal with it for now. I've come to fucking far to get it all thrown away because of some fuck-stains at a pizza shop. Expecially whenever I have more experience than they do. It's just fucking sad. Most of you are probably thinking, "What an emo-fucking-kid he is,". Well guess what? Everyone is fucking emotional about things.
Everyone has a dark past to them expecially when it envolves somebody dying before your very eyes. Which by the way was me. Not a fucking pleasant sight to see. Kozak and Jeremy knows about it because I opened up to them one night a little bit ago. So if you want to call me "EMO" then go right the fuck ahead. But just to fucking remind you everyone is fucking emo a.k.a. "EMOTIONAL" sooner or later. And all the muic that I listen to deals with me relating to what the message a band or artist is trying to send out. So what if it's "emo" or "gay" or what the fuck else. It's something I like or something everyone else likes. Even if it's Coheed & Cambria, I fucking like it. But if you hate music that's considered "emo" then why the fuck do you listen to Yellowcard!?!? Confusses the fuck outta me. What I really fucking hate is when people don't know what the fuck they are talking about when it comes down to music. Almost all the bands and artists out there respect them and others with what kind of music they play and write. If you can't and you hate a band because it's been played out by one of your friends every-fucking-day of the week; you really have a fucking problem. But then again you did like them before; like two years before, but now you hate them because the lead singer's voice is sooooo annoying. FUCK YOU!!! You really don't know shit about music then. You fucking categorize it. FUCKING STUPID!!!! I write poems about my past about how fucking depressing my life was and now I still write about the same shit because life is fucking depressing. I even write about my new life that I have with Rebecca because hell, I'm really fucking happy that I found her. I don't really get as depressed as I used to. (Thank fucking god) But does writing poetry about my depressions make me "emo"? Yeah and so fucking what.. What I write about is what I write and hopefully one day have a band to make music with to back me up because when I do, I wouldn't care if people hate me or if they agree with what I say or whatever. So far my poetry helps people out with their anger. I fucking happy of that because apperently people do relate.
But to tell you people the truth: Fucking around with another man's music is like dancing with death. That's how I fucking see it. I mean honestly, who the fuck fucks with another man's music when you know that person checks to make sure that album is there every fucking night of the week. Even when they check around the whole house for that album. It pisses me the fuck off unlike you wouldn't believe. I know what you are thinking; So far, why is the music part the longest in my journal. Well the answer to that is because music is really fucking important to me. Well not as important as Rebecca. She comes first. At the top of my list. Then music is offically second. But if you really love music you wouldn't hate a band because of stupid reasons such as the ones that I mentioned before. It's fucking pathetic. And if you want to be in a band and be; I don't know: VOCALS!!! Well then start writing music and poetry and fucking try to train your voice. And if you listen to Lamb of God or Otep don't say that they have to be using distortion to their voice. If you've fucking see them live you would be able to tell what the fuck they do. And no they don't use distortion. If you don't know what the fuck you're talking about then don't fucking say anything at all. That is trying to be a "smart-ass" right there. Don't try to impress people with your fucking knowledge about nothing, it's really fucking stupid and it makes you look stupid. Really fucking stupid. (I just had to type that again)...
"Friday"
Friday was one fucked up day to begin with. I really don't know where to start with this. Well Friday during the day I was waiting for Rebecca for most of the day because she was getting out of school early. And I had to wait because heck I wanted to see her that day and hopefully spend some time with her. But after school she had to go get a massage because her mother had scheduled it the day before so I knew that I'd be able to spend time with her after that. But lets see what happened that day. I called Jeremy to let him know that I got the playstation and games from Rebecca and was going to go down to the Southside and sell them because Jeremy needed money to help keep his ass from being raped. So me and Rebecca helped out by selling some of our things. Next plan is getting KMFDM tickets for next week. HOPEFULLY WE CAN FUCKING GO!!! But anyways. Took care of the stuff down in Southside and it was me, Rebecca, Jeremy, Mr. Kozak, and Shanna as the driver. (She's an awesome fucking driver) But before all of that we went to Denny's first and at that point it was all of us except for Rebecca. :tears: But anyways I'm fucking stalling because I'm fucking tired. So after we took care of the Southside Rebecca and I went back to her place because Shanna had to bring back the car at a certain time because I just forgot why. Sorry Shanna. So I spent some time with Rebecca which made me very happy. YAY!!!! YAY!!!! O.K. enough of that.
"The Rules of the House While Mom is Away"
(in no particular order)
1.) No smoking in the house.
2.) No partying while she's away.
3.) Do not damage the place and while she's gone to keep it clean. "Keep it Clean" - Pitchshifter.
4.) She didn't tell Jeff this but I did. While she was gone I was practically owner of the house; man of the house; whatever you want to call it.
"Friday Night"
After hanging out with Rebecca I walked back to Jeff's house and for some odd reason I had a weird feeling about it. And oh was that feeling so fucking right. So fucking right! As soon as I got up to the porch I saw that there were two cars that wasn't really supposed to be there. One I regonized was Doug's (a friend of my brother's) and the second one was Emil's car. (he doesn't really like me because I'm a wasted piece of shit I guess, eh?) Also I noticed a cd and a bottle of water on the little table outside which right there I knew wasn't Jeff's because he doesn't listen to AC/DC. So I decided to smoke a ciggarette and after that proceed. As I walked through the door I noticed ciggarette butts were on the table. Now as you just noticed that so far Jeff as broken two rules that his mom has left him with. Smoking in the house and having a party. You can just tell about the party thing because hell if my brother, Doug, and my other friend Sean was there; you knew there was going to be a party. Then of course Vicki and her friend Krista were there as well. But anyways when I walked in through the door I saw ciggarette butts and I suppose Vicki's purse on the kitchen table. So far Jeff disobeyed his mother's rules. BIG NO NO!!! As I walked into the kitchen and closed the door Jeff comes sliding out-----"Heyyyyyy, Larry." I was already saying to myself WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS GOING ON!?! I didn't know what to fucking do. I mean by the looks of it Jeff was already fucking drunk. He had no money but yet he had some fucking alcohol. Kinda fucked up at this point in time..
So Wayne's friend and mine Doug came into the kitchen along with Vicki and Jeff in there as well. Doug hands me a beer so I fucking took it out of my own despise because at that point I was really pissed off. I didn't think anything else could get worse. But I was wrong........ Jeff and Vicki both lit up their ciggarettes in my face. NOW I WAS FUCKING PISSED!!! I took my beer and glass of lemonade and my smokes outside and Jeff asked why I was going outside. I told him that I was going to smoke and he was like hell man just smoke in here because my mom is away and she won't noticed that we smoked in here. I was like fuck that I am obeying your mother's rules no matter fucking what!!!! I guess he laughed as I walked out the door. I don't remember. So I went outside and banged my head as fucking hard as I could because:
1.) He really fucking pissed me off right then and there.
2.) I was fucking losing my mind because of his stupidity.
3.) I just can't fucking take that shit anymore.
All three of them were combined when I went outside. At that point I really wanted to fucking leave. Then Wayne, Doug, and Sean came outside to talk to me and tried to cheer me up. My brother cheered me up a little bit until Doug came up with one of his uniquie ideas that he always seems to get. After he told me his idea I told him about Jeff's mom and what her rules were. So he was like o.k. my plan backfired. Well not exactlly. I didn't want to be there. If I was there I would get all the blame put onto me because of how Jeff is. If his mom knew what went on Friday night she would fucking flip then kill him. Because it's true no matter what he tries to do. And plus knowing Jeff he would talk to his grandfather to tell or plead to his mom to let him stay. He's fucking running on a thin white line with his mom right now. She'll kick him out at any moment. And that's how Jeff is because his life is so tramatic. (being sarcastic) He practically has it made. He tells people how much he hates his mom because of this; because of that; what the fuck ever. He has it soo much fucking easier than I did. When I was living with my parents and living at my apartment. I fucking had it rough meanwhile he thinks he does. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!!! It pisses me off so much. I had to pay some of the bills at my parents house: Jeff doesn't have to pay anything. I had to pay more than half of my bills at my apartment: For the three months that Jeff or for the nine months my brother lived at my place didn't have to pay a fucking dime. A Fucking Dime!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!
There I go drifting away from the subject again. So anyways; Doug's plan was to fuck that place up. Not just to fuck it up but to FUCK IT UP if you know what I mean. Wayne pissed all over the bathroom, crushed up some pretzels and threw it all over the living room while Jeff, Vicki, Krista, and Doug were upstairs. Doug was distracting Jeff by telling him off about being a pedifile, poser, and just about anything else. Even though Jeff said that he wasn't drunk or buzzed was just a bunch of crock. A.K.A. "BULL-SHIT". So there was Wayne throwing crushed up pretzels all downstairs then he realized that I would get the blame for it or that I would have to clean it up. Wayne thought that Jeff would let it sit there until his mom got home so Wayne picked it all up. That's right. He picked up every fucking crumb. I was shocked. Really shocked. So while Doug was still upstairs fucking around with Jeff Wayne came up with his own plan: "I'M GOING TO PISS ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN!!" I was like fuck no. So he ended up pissing anways; behind both sofas. But anyways Wayne and Doug both hid all the beer cans and bottles behind the sofas. So if you're reading this Jeff I'd advice you to clean that fucking living room before your mom steps foot into HER HOUSE. Not yours, HERS.. But I was already beyond the point of being pissed off. I just couldn't fucking take his shit anymore. You know that Vicki has a boyfriend but yet you think that you can be with her and whatnot. And don't you fucking say that you weren't trying to because if you want her to lie in bed with you with your arm rapped around her then you got fucking problems. It is fucking true that you follow your dick. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Aparently you really don't fucking pay attention to what I fucking type because you fucking outdone yourself this time.
"The Aftermath"
So now I'm at Jeremy's house. Yes that's right Jeff I'm at Jeremy's house because I needed to fucking cool down because of the fucking stupid mistakes that you fucking make. I'm really fucking pissed. That charger that I said was Rebecca's. I LIED!! IT WAS MINE FOR MY CELL PHONE!! You're probably like this isn't pissing me off-that's probably what you're thinking but I know goddamn well that it is fucking bothering you. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but you really need to fucking OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES!! Take it into consideration for everyone's sake. That's why I called Jeremy, that's why I'm not at your fucking place for the past few days. Because to tell you the truth I don't fucking need that shit anymore. Like how you were naming Krista bands that you listen to like Atreyu when Jeremy told me that you don't like them because they are too "emo". WHAT THE FUCK!!! The cycle keeps fucking repeating itself. I'm not trying to say that I'm better than you because hell no one is perfect but I fucking hate to see people go the same route over and over again. If you already know that people can't stand the way that you act and they find out that you act different just to try to impress them, then don't do it. If you know it doesn't work then don't do it. OPEN YOUR EYES!!! god Fucking damnit. I might be 20 years old but dude I'm fucking wiser than you are. I mean it. "You get wisdom from all the mistakes that you take on in this life." That's what my grandfather told me once and I never forgot that. Because it's really fucking true. It makes me sad just to think about him anymore because he tought me so much you wouldn't believe. Everything that I know about and in life is because of him. If it wasn't for him telling me everything I would just be really fucking stupid. So please fucking change your ways. I warned you about Harmony and I was right about her. She's going to grow up to be a fucking brat her whole life. I don't care if you tell her about this because she is too fucking young to realize what love is or what life is fucking about; you know why? Because her mother babys her. BABYS HER TO DEATH!! I really wonder why she does drugs because I know for a fact that it was peer pressure and not depression. I did drugs because I was so fucking depressed for most of my life. The shit that I've seen isn't a fucking sight to see. I'm fucking crying right fucking now but what the hell.
I thought that I was good at helping people out with their problems. Aparently I was wrong. I failed myself I guess you can say. Since aparently all my stuff is junk to you. FUCK it's worth a hell of a lot more than your life man. That's what fucking pisses me off about you. You think that you can get anything that you want well here's and eye-opener "IT DOESN'T WORK THAT FUCKING WAY BUDDY"! You have to earn respect, you have to earn your own living. Nothing in life is free you need to earn it. If it means getting a car, or money, or smokes, or even true love. You just don't get everything like that. You look for love in the wrong places too man. Even in the wrong people. Don't think that you can get any girl that you lay eyes on and don't think that they are for you just because of how they look like. Talk to them and get to know them more. I didn't even have to talk to Harmony and look how I fucking knew that she wasn't for you. She wasn't your type at all. Please just use your brain. Think stuff over and trust me you'll be alright. Don't be a fake towards everyone that you meet. Don't fucking lie to people about who you are. Don't say things that you're not either. That fucks everything up. You'll know when you find that right person just for you. Don't try to automatically find the love that me and Rebecca have because your not going to find it that fast, it just takes time. Take my words into consideration please. In the long run it'll help you out because aparently I've been told that I know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to go because I can't really stand talking about this shit anymore.
"Fallout Depression"
(This one is actually about comitting suicide. The ups and downs of it is what I think but this is what I experinced when I tried to do it. It's about how people try to do it by writing a note just so people could think of them or to get attention which is really fucked up. I just wrote this one last night in about ten minutes because I was really fucking pissed off at what the fuck goes on in my life; so what you can call me emo and to tell you the truth I could care less because sooner or later everyone turns out to be emo. Emo means Emontional and everyone is really fucking emontional.)
Give it away
Take it away
Give it away, Nothing now is inside of me
Take it away, Nothing wrong is apart of this
Lost in a haze
One thing isn't sure of this
It's bound to death to see apathy
Times like these make life a waste
Trace the past and make this all fade
No more remorse
No more forgiveness
Kill the things that don't seem to care
Desire is all you see
Lonliness is all you breath
Desire fucked up your dreams
Depression made you succeed
No more crys in this lifetime
No more lies to ruin this life
Falling out of this depression
Making it worse to your vision; of this life
Destroy your life
Fucked up your mind
Control your hate
It's all defined
Lost inside this little hole
Write the note and make life cold
Fall into misery
Take the blame
Control yourself or make this pain go away!!
Fallout Depression
Lurks upon all that shall not bleed
Desire of emptiness
Made to beleive that it owns you
Denial helps you to pull it through
Take this all away
No more pain and suffering
Lost pasts defeat me
To pull through
Giving up isn't my answer
Shall it make me think twice?
It's not true
I don't need you
Don't wast your time
Give back my life!!!
Fall away from depression
Leave it all behind
Lonliness is all you breath
Desire and death is all you bleed
Give it time and give it space
Leave me alone I'm not a disgrace
I shall be the one that screams
"My blood shall not be shed upon thee!!''
No more crys in this lifetime
No more lies to ruin this life
Falling out of this depression
Defeats Me
"THE JOB"
Then Thursday comes. I guess it was an o.k. day but for the fact that Pizza Torrino still had no good answer for me wasn't enough. So I just said "FUCK IT"!!! Just like that. So what the fuck. It's been a shitty week so far so why not make it more shitty-er than it is I say. Friday comes. Oh, Friday. What a glorous day it was I must say. I wake up and smoke the last of my ciggs which practically (excuse my typing errors) happens everyday of the week and notice Jeff was gone; which was around 10:00 a.m.. So after I smoked a cigg I went back to sleep...as usuall. Then I wake up again. I know what you people are thinking; I'm fucking retarded for typing everything that happened so far on Friday. Yeah, so deal with it. So I wake up and Jeff was back from his interview at Wendy's and yes he got the job (hooray for him) and his new cell phone came in the mail. Yeah that's right; it came in the mail. So what do you think happened next. Yep that's right; he called people from his new cell phone and downloaded games and ringtones as well. So what are you thinking is going to happen next.
1.) Is he going to have enough money on his first paycheck to pay off the cell phone bill?
2.) Is he going to be able to pay off his cell phone bill and be able to buy a car with the same paycheck?
3.) Or is he going to not be able to pay off his cell phone bill and not be abel to buy a car with car insurance and if he did get a car and car insurance is he going to be able to pay for gas money?
I know what you are thinking. That last option is kinda long with a few runon senteces. Guess what, oh fucking well. I'm stupid according so some people but guess what; so FUCKING BE IT I say. But anyways I'm getting off the subject here. What do you think is going to happen with the options that I gave you? I'm not saying what the answer could be but hell; any of them can work if he chooses to. He thinks he is going to get over 40 hrs. a week. Guess what; you might if you prove to them that you can work and think fast. Even though they do tell you that you're granted the 40 hrs. they really are not going to give that to you the first few months that you work. O.K.. Maybe 20 at max for the beginning but until you can prove that you are a good employee you only get the lousy 20 hrs. a week. You're probably thinking, "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!!!". Well guess what? Yes I fucking am.. It fucking sucks out there in the real world and most of the people that you meet. Most people do the things that I'm going to mention to you right fucking now:
1.) Lie to their peers.
2.) Steal from their parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc...
3.) Talk about how fucking hard life is when in reality have never experienced the real downs in life because they want everyone to feel sorry for them. (ties in with symptom #1)
4.) Acts like a hardass around other people.
5.) Thinks that they can get everything that they want if they ask for some money from everyone else in the family here and there. (preppy-ass-fucks)
6.) Thinks that everything is theirs even though they don't pay for a goddamn fucking thing.
And last but not least:
7.) Just flat out; don't know a goddamn fucking thing that they are talking about. (shit-talker)
"MUSIC"
Those are the seven symptoms to the different kinds of people in the world but mostly how they act. And to tell you the truth, it really pisses me off when Jeff says "What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." Bull-fucking-shit. Whenever I come home and most of my CD's (see how I put that in caps) are fucking missing from the cases. I fucking have A.D.D. towards my fucking music. When it comes to music I know what I'm talking about. Yeah I know that you just wanted to listen to them but dude, whenever I just buy an album from any band I want to listen to it for weeks on end so I can remember all the words to every song. NOT YOU!!! I didn't buy those two albums for you. I fucking love Green Day to fucking death but whenever I see that it's missing from my cd tower or missing from it's case I'll get fucking pissed. I mean asking me for my permission would have been nice but taking it away from me is taking my fucking life away. Hell I want to start a band. Hell I want to do this. Hell I want to do that but in the long run it'll take me a while to do so. I'm extreamly pissed that I have no job anymore but I just fucking have to deal with it for now. I've come to fucking far to get it all thrown away because of some fuck-stains at a pizza shop. Expecially whenever I have more experience than they do. It's just fucking sad. Most of you are probably thinking, "What an emo-fucking-kid he is,". Well guess what? Everyone is fucking emotional about things.
Everyone has a dark past to them expecially when it envolves somebody dying before your very eyes. Which by the way was me. Not a fucking pleasant sight to see. Kozak and Jeremy knows about it because I opened up to them one night a little bit ago. So if you want to call me "EMO" then go right the fuck ahead. But just to fucking remind you everyone is fucking emo a.k.a. "EMOTIONAL" sooner or later. And all the muic that I listen to deals with me relating to what the message a band or artist is trying to send out. So what if it's "emo" or "gay" or what the fuck else. It's something I like or something everyone else likes. Even if it's Coheed & Cambria, I fucking like it. But if you hate music that's considered "emo" then why the fuck do you listen to Yellowcard!?!? Confusses the fuck outta me. What I really fucking hate is when people don't know what the fuck they are talking about when it comes down to music. Almost all the bands and artists out there respect them and others with what kind of music they play and write. If you can't and you hate a band because it's been played out by one of your friends every-fucking-day of the week; you really have a fucking problem. But then again you did like them before; like two years before, but now you hate them because the lead singer's voice is sooooo annoying. FUCK YOU!!! You really don't know shit about music then. You fucking categorize it. FUCKING STUPID!!!! I write poems about my past about how fucking depressing my life was and now I still write about the same shit because life is fucking depressing. I even write about my new life that I have with Rebecca because hell, I'm really fucking happy that I found her. I don't really get as depressed as I used to. (Thank fucking god) But does writing poetry about my depressions make me "emo"? Yeah and so fucking what.. What I write about is what I write and hopefully one day have a band to make music with to back me up because when I do, I wouldn't care if people hate me or if they agree with what I say or whatever. So far my poetry helps people out with their anger. I fucking happy of that because apperently people do relate.
But to tell you people the truth: Fucking around with another man's music is like dancing with death. That's how I fucking see it. I mean honestly, who the fuck fucks with another man's music when you know that person checks to make sure that album is there every fucking night of the week. Even when they check around the whole house for that album. It pisses me the fuck off unlike you wouldn't believe. I know what you are thinking; So far, why is the music part the longest in my journal. Well the answer to that is because music is really fucking important to me. Well not as important as Rebecca. She comes first. At the top of my list. Then music is offically second. But if you really love music you wouldn't hate a band because of stupid reasons such as the ones that I mentioned before. It's fucking pathetic. And if you want to be in a band and be; I don't know: VOCALS!!! Well then start writing music and poetry and fucking try to train your voice. And if you listen to Lamb of God or Otep don't say that they have to be using distortion to their voice. If you've fucking see them live you would be able to tell what the fuck they do. And no they don't use distortion. If you don't know what the fuck you're talking about then don't fucking say anything at all. That is trying to be a "smart-ass" right there. Don't try to impress people with your fucking knowledge about nothing, it's really fucking stupid and it makes you look stupid. Really fucking stupid. (I just had to type that again)...
"Friday"
Friday was one fucked up day to begin with. I really don't know where to start with this. Well Friday during the day I was waiting for Rebecca for most of the day because she was getting out of school early. And I had to wait because heck I wanted to see her that day and hopefully spend some time with her. But after school she had to go get a massage because her mother had scheduled it the day before so I knew that I'd be able to spend time with her after that. But lets see what happened that day. I called Jeremy to let him know that I got the playstation and games from Rebecca and was going to go down to the Southside and sell them because Jeremy needed money to help keep his ass from being raped. So me and Rebecca helped out by selling some of our things. Next plan is getting KMFDM tickets for next week. HOPEFULLY WE CAN FUCKING GO!!! But anyways. Took care of the stuff down in Southside and it was me, Rebecca, Jeremy, Mr. Kozak, and Shanna as the driver. (She's an awesome fucking driver) But before all of that we went to Denny's first and at that point it was all of us except for Rebecca. :tears: But anyways I'm fucking stalling because I'm fucking tired. So after we took care of the Southside Rebecca and I went back to her place because Shanna had to bring back the car at a certain time because I just forgot why. Sorry Shanna. So I spent some time with Rebecca which made me very happy. YAY!!!! YAY!!!! O.K. enough of that.
"The Rules of the House While Mom is Away"
(in no particular order)
1.) No smoking in the house.
2.) No partying while she's away.
3.) Do not damage the place and while she's gone to keep it clean. "Keep it Clean" - Pitchshifter.
4.) She didn't tell Jeff this but I did. While she was gone I was practically owner of the house; man of the house; whatever you want to call it.
"Friday Night"
After hanging out with Rebecca I walked back to Jeff's house and for some odd reason I had a weird feeling about it. And oh was that feeling so fucking right. So fucking right! As soon as I got up to the porch I saw that there were two cars that wasn't really supposed to be there. One I regonized was Doug's (a friend of my brother's) and the second one was Emil's car. (he doesn't really like me because I'm a wasted piece of shit I guess, eh?) Also I noticed a cd and a bottle of water on the little table outside which right there I knew wasn't Jeff's because he doesn't listen to AC/DC. So I decided to smoke a ciggarette and after that proceed. As I walked through the door I noticed ciggarette butts were on the table. Now as you just noticed that so far Jeff as broken two rules that his mom has left him with. Smoking in the house and having a party. You can just tell about the party thing because hell if my brother, Doug, and my other friend Sean was there; you knew there was going to be a party. Then of course Vicki and her friend Krista were there as well. But anyways when I walked in through the door I saw ciggarette butts and I suppose Vicki's purse on the kitchen table. So far Jeff disobeyed his mother's rules. BIG NO NO!!! As I walked into the kitchen and closed the door Jeff comes sliding out-----"Heyyyyyy, Larry." I was already saying to myself WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS GOING ON!?! I didn't know what to fucking do. I mean by the looks of it Jeff was already fucking drunk. He had no money but yet he had some fucking alcohol. Kinda fucked up at this point in time..
So Wayne's friend and mine Doug came into the kitchen along with Vicki and Jeff in there as well. Doug hands me a beer so I fucking took it out of my own despise because at that point I was really pissed off. I didn't think anything else could get worse. But I was wrong........ Jeff and Vicki both lit up their ciggarettes in my face. NOW I WAS FUCKING PISSED!!! I took my beer and glass of lemonade and my smokes outside and Jeff asked why I was going outside. I told him that I was going to smoke and he was like hell man just smoke in here because my mom is away and she won't noticed that we smoked in here. I was like fuck that I am obeying your mother's rules no matter fucking what!!!! I guess he laughed as I walked out the door. I don't remember. So I went outside and banged my head as fucking hard as I could because:
1.) He really fucking pissed me off right then and there.
2.) I was fucking losing my mind because of his stupidity.
3.) I just can't fucking take that shit anymore.
All three of them were combined when I went outside. At that point I really wanted to fucking leave. Then Wayne, Doug, and Sean came outside to talk to me and tried to cheer me up. My brother cheered me up a little bit until Doug came up with one of his uniquie ideas that he always seems to get. After he told me his idea I told him about Jeff's mom and what her rules were. So he was like o.k. my plan backfired. Well not exactlly. I didn't want to be there. If I was there I would get all the blame put onto me because of how Jeff is. If his mom knew what went on Friday night she would fucking flip then kill him. Because it's true no matter what he tries to do. And plus knowing Jeff he would talk to his grandfather to tell or plead to his mom to let him stay. He's fucking running on a thin white line with his mom right now. She'll kick him out at any moment. And that's how Jeff is because his life is so tramatic. (being sarcastic) He practically has it made. He tells people how much he hates his mom because of this; because of that; what the fuck ever. He has it soo much fucking easier than I did. When I was living with my parents and living at my apartment. I fucking had it rough meanwhile he thinks he does. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!!! It pisses me off so much. I had to pay some of the bills at my parents house: Jeff doesn't have to pay anything. I had to pay more than half of my bills at my apartment: For the three months that Jeff or for the nine months my brother lived at my place didn't have to pay a fucking dime. A Fucking Dime!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!
There I go drifting away from the subject again. So anyways; Doug's plan was to fuck that place up. Not just to fuck it up but to FUCK IT UP if you know what I mean. Wayne pissed all over the bathroom, crushed up some pretzels and threw it all over the living room while Jeff, Vicki, Krista, and Doug were upstairs. Doug was distracting Jeff by telling him off about being a pedifile, poser, and just about anything else. Even though Jeff said that he wasn't drunk or buzzed was just a bunch of crock. A.K.A. "BULL-SHIT". So there was Wayne throwing crushed up pretzels all downstairs then he realized that I would get the blame for it or that I would have to clean it up. Wayne thought that Jeff would let it sit there until his mom got home so Wayne picked it all up. That's right. He picked up every fucking crumb. I was shocked. Really shocked. So while Doug was still upstairs fucking around with Jeff Wayne came up with his own plan: "I'M GOING TO PISS ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN!!" I was like fuck no. So he ended up pissing anways; behind both sofas. But anyways Wayne and Doug both hid all the beer cans and bottles behind the sofas. So if you're reading this Jeff I'd advice you to clean that fucking living room before your mom steps foot into HER HOUSE. Not yours, HERS.. But I was already beyond the point of being pissed off. I just couldn't fucking take his shit anymore. You know that Vicki has a boyfriend but yet you think that you can be with her and whatnot. And don't you fucking say that you weren't trying to because if you want her to lie in bed with you with your arm rapped around her then you got fucking problems. It is fucking true that you follow your dick. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Aparently you really don't fucking pay attention to what I fucking type because you fucking outdone yourself this time.
"The Aftermath"
So now I'm at Jeremy's house. Yes that's right Jeff I'm at Jeremy's house because I needed to fucking cool down because of the fucking stupid mistakes that you fucking make. I'm really fucking pissed. That charger that I said was Rebecca's. I LIED!! IT WAS MINE FOR MY CELL PHONE!! You're probably like this isn't pissing me off-that's probably what you're thinking but I know goddamn well that it is fucking bothering you. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but you really need to fucking OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES!! Take it into consideration for everyone's sake. That's why I called Jeremy, that's why I'm not at your fucking place for the past few days. Because to tell you the truth I don't fucking need that shit anymore. Like how you were naming Krista bands that you listen to like Atreyu when Jeremy told me that you don't like them because they are too "emo". WHAT THE FUCK!!! The cycle keeps fucking repeating itself. I'm not trying to say that I'm better than you because hell no one is perfect but I fucking hate to see people go the same route over and over again. If you already know that people can't stand the way that you act and they find out that you act different just to try to impress them, then don't do it. If you know it doesn't work then don't do it. OPEN YOUR EYES!!! god Fucking damnit. I might be 20 years old but dude I'm fucking wiser than you are. I mean it. "You get wisdom from all the mistakes that you take on in this life." That's what my grandfather told me once and I never forgot that. Because it's really fucking true. It makes me sad just to think about him anymore because he tought me so much you wouldn't believe. Everything that I know about and in life is because of him. If it wasn't for him telling me everything I would just be really fucking stupid. So please fucking change your ways. I warned you about Harmony and I was right about her. She's going to grow up to be a fucking brat her whole life. I don't care if you tell her about this because she is too fucking young to realize what love is or what life is fucking about; you know why? Because her mother babys her. BABYS HER TO DEATH!! I really wonder why she does drugs because I know for a fact that it was peer pressure and not depression. I did drugs because I was so fucking depressed for most of my life. The shit that I've seen isn't a fucking sight to see. I'm fucking crying right fucking now but what the hell.
I thought that I was good at helping people out with their problems. Aparently I was wrong. I failed myself I guess you can say. Since aparently all my stuff is junk to you. FUCK it's worth a hell of a lot more than your life man. That's what fucking pisses me off about you. You think that you can get anything that you want well here's and eye-opener "IT DOESN'T WORK THAT FUCKING WAY BUDDY"! You have to earn respect, you have to earn your own living. Nothing in life is free you need to earn it. If it means getting a car, or money, or smokes, or even true love. You just don't get everything like that. You look for love in the wrong places too man. Even in the wrong people. Don't think that you can get any girl that you lay eyes on and don't think that they are for you just because of how they look like. Talk to them and get to know them more. I didn't even have to talk to Harmony and look how I fucking knew that she wasn't for you. She wasn't your type at all. Please just use your brain. Think stuff over and trust me you'll be alright. Don't be a fake towards everyone that you meet. Don't fucking lie to people about who you are. Don't say things that you're not either. That fucks everything up. You'll know when you find that right person just for you. Don't try to automatically find the love that me and Rebecca have because your not going to find it that fast, it just takes time. Take my words into consideration please. In the long run it'll help you out because aparently I've been told that I know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to go because I can't really stand talking about this shit anymore.
"Fallout Depression"
(This one is actually about comitting suicide. The ups and downs of it is what I think but this is what I experinced when I tried to do it. It's about how people try to do it by writing a note just so people could think of them or to get attention which is really fucked up. I just wrote this one last night in about ten minutes because I was really fucking pissed off at what the fuck goes on in my life; so what you can call me emo and to tell you the truth I could care less because sooner or later everyone turns out to be emo. Emo means Emontional and everyone is really fucking emontional.)
Give it away
Take it away
Give it away, Nothing now is inside of me
Take it away, Nothing wrong is apart of this
Lost in a haze
One thing isn't sure of this
It's bound to death to see apathy
Times like these make life a waste
Trace the past and make this all fade
No more remorse
No more forgiveness
Kill the things that don't seem to care
Desire is all you see
Lonliness is all you breath
Desire fucked up your dreams
Depression made you succeed
No more crys in this lifetime
No more lies to ruin this life
Falling out of this depression
Making it worse to your vision; of this life
Destroy your life
Fucked up your mind
Control your hate
It's all defined
Lost inside this little hole
Write the note and make life cold
Fall into misery
Take the blame
Control yourself or make this pain go away!!
Fallout Depression
Lurks upon all that shall not bleed
Desire of emptiness
Made to beleive that it owns you
Denial helps you to pull it through
Take this all away
No more pain and suffering
Lost pasts defeat me
To pull through
Giving up isn't my answer
Shall it make me think twice?
It's not true
I don't need you
Don't wast your time
Give back my life!!!
Fall away from depression
Leave it all behind
Lonliness is all you breath
Desire and death is all you bleed
Give it time and give it space
Leave me alone I'm not a disgrace
I shall be the one that screams
"My blood shall not be shed upon thee!!''
No more crys in this lifetime
No more lies to ruin this life
Falling out of this depression
Defeats Me