Unraveling at an alarming rate
At the very least I've decided to start seeing a therapist again. Not that I believe that therapy is magic or anything, but that shit is necessary. Therapy helps me work my own shit out, it's not the magic fix people seem to think it is where you go in and tell the nice man your problems and he magics them all away. It's intense, and brutal, and there are days when you will feel like you are cutting holes in your body with fingernail scissors, but eventually I think it pans out. I'm a ball of fury and resentment and rage these days. I dont want to exist in any realm outside of the one where I am G's mom. Everyone and everything else seems to be able to go fuck itself and I don't care. I can't honestly say that that will change anytime soon or ever who knows. I'm leaving my world behind because I NEED to. I wonder if there will be any place left for me in it if I should ever decide to return. If not, what then? Who knows. I feel like I can not control myself right now and I don't like it. I can't keep any thoughts inside my head at all right now. I am like one big exposed nerve and anyone who so much as looks at me strange gets every ounce of everything that is on my mind at that moment. That being said I'm taking a major break from people, places, and things until I can resolve it. At that point when I have some clarity I can decide who and what I still want in my life. It's time to be a grown-up, in a very real way. I've been to three NA meetings this week and it's only Wednesday. I can not let this fuck my life up. I've come way too fucking far for that.