Fab Five Trauma..
So, things are a little all over the place right now between our "Fab Five", that is Sarah, John, Ryan, Gabe, and myself. Things are getting to the point that I foresaw last summer, but I hoped would never come to. Sadly, here we are, and here is where I don't want to be, but of course, I get to be the one to say something about it. Silly kids. Oh, well. Here we go.. My venting. And, mind you, it's not necessarily Gabe and Ryan I'm having a huge problem with.. Well.. No, I've got issues with everyone. So, here it goes.
[[As a side note: I took my parents to see my show tonight, and my mother completely disrespects me. I mean she sat there half asleep through the entire show, her feet on the back of the seats, her head on my father’s shoulder, and then at the end is just like “Oh, it was good. I’m proud of you. Awesome tornado and shifting lights in the back.” Duh they shift, if they stayed the same, the show would be boring. I wonder at times why I even bother trying to keep my parents involved in what I’m doing.. We’ll remedy that later with some Linkin Park.. ]]
And, now there’s Fab Five issues, and it’s all Sarah and John. It’s always been Sarah and John. Gabe and I have never had issues with each other, and we both know that. Ryan and I and Gabe and Ryan have had some turbulence in the past, but we’ve each talked it out so the three of us are dandy now, or at least we all have an understanding about each other to some extent. But, then there’s Sarah and John. Mind you, I love both of them dearly, but at times, like lately, I’m just sick of them and their bullshit.
Basically Sarah and John get in their own groove, in their own bubble or whatever they want to call it and shut out everyone. I’ve been pushed aside a hundred times to make way for the two of them and their happiness, and whenever I try to say something about it, it's always "oh, I'm sorry, I'll be good", a pat on the head, and five seconds later it's back to how it was. But, if one of them, particularly Sarah, has a problem, EVERYONE has to know about it, and then EVERYONE has to do something about it until she's happy or no one can be happy, and it's ridiculous. There were reasons we kicked out certain people a year or so ago from the group because of this self-centering nonsense. It’d be one thing if she dealt with her emotions and her feelings like that and then still took honest consideration of others, but no. It’s not like that in the slightest. And, that's why I'll just leave. I'll get so fed up with one thing or another, and I don't want to command everyone feel the same way as me, or to all focus and deal with my issues, so I'll take the courtesy to leave. (And, we’re calling this courtesy to be nice, really I usually end up feeling like shit, but I’d rather not drag everyone down into my misery of issues. Four people out of five being happy is better then five of us being gloomy due to one person, no? Exactly my point.)
I'm not saying that Sarah should leave, or anyone for that matter. And, anyone who interprets what I’ve just said as such can kiss my ass until I’m dead because you’re too ignorant to understand my actual issue. I'm just saying that it should be fair between the five of us. If Gabe's got a problem we should all try to fix that as opposed to just me and Ryan, which is how it always seems to be. And, if Ryan's got a problem we should all cater to that, or John, or Sarah, or me, or whoever. But, we don't do that.. For some reason or another John and Sarah have become their own entity, and have blocked everyone else out of everything. How does that work when there’s five of us, and we’ve become these groups?
And, even inside of that.. I have a slight issue with the four of them. It seems to me that the four of them have, since the beginning mind all of you, decided that I’m the replaceable one. Alright, that’s fair I suppose, but it would’ve been nice for someone to tell me. I mean a simple, “Shannon, you are our replaceable member, and if we never tell you what’s going on don’t be surprised and if we never show up for any of your stuff don’t be surprised about that either.” But, no. As opposed, we’re all supposed to be friends here, and putting these group issues aside, we’ve all decided to become four versus one. And, that ladies and gentleman, is not nice.
I take the time to cater to everyone of their concerns and needs. I’ve always helped with any issue that I’ve felt needed to be dealt with. I’ve always been the shoulder to cry on the one to try to separate the nonsense within the group. I’ve remembered everyone’s birthday’s and major holidays for gift giving. I try to be there for every important show that any of them is in, as long as I know about it.. And, then they get mad at me when I’m not there for shows.. That’s fair.. But, how the fuck am I supposed to show up for a show that I don’t know when or where it is?! Seriously! They expect me to magically know through my third telepathic eye when all of their shows are and the locations and times and what day I should be there, etc. If I’m supposed to have this ~magical~ link into your heads, then maybe you can have one into mine. Know what I’m feeling, realize you missed my birthday, and the show I just designed, and know that while you’re all out having your slumber parties and hoo-hah’s I’m probably home, by myself, trying to get a hold of you..
Aside from all of this negativity, I love these kids. They’re some of the best people I know. But, when they pull shit like this, it builds up over time. So, I’m sorry I can’t come and see you every day of the week, and I’m sorry I may not seem like the most attune person with the most sensitive feelings. But, look at it from my perspective people, I’m trying to read the four of you and deal with each of you on your own terms, and not a damn one of you has ever REALLY tried to take an honest step into my world. I’ve opened the door, and I don’t open the door to anyone, and this is what I get in return? So, fuck you for being selfish, and I’m sorry if I’m hurt by it.