Haven't cried in years..
Well, happy easter, to anyone who's a part of this Easter thing. And, merry passover, to all of the jews out there. ;)
My father and I had a large misunderstanding/venting/arguing thing that went on today.. He successfully made me cry, for the first time in I don't know how long. You see it all began at brunch. I was listening in on a conversation he was having with my Uncle Jim about how I was planning on going to CalArts, and I was a fine arts major and doing theatre and what not. Well, the way it sounded was like he was all standoffish to my being a fine arts major, like I wasn't going to make anything of my life and if I did it would be some big miracle being a fine arts major. So, that just set me off for the rest of the morning. Later on he was teasing me lik, "You should get a job", and some time later I mentioned that I wasn't high maintinenance, and he was practically thrown aback by that. That one really caught me off guard, cause for anyone who doesn't know me know me, I really am one of the most low maintinance girls ever. But, anyway..
I stayed mostly quiet during brunch, really I just wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn't. I had nowhere to go, and this was family I hadn't seen in quite sometime, so it would be rude. I bit my tongue and thought of other things, trying to ignore my father next to me. Brunch went along smoothly, and we all said our goodbyes and had our hugs and took touristy pictures, and then went our seperate ways. I drove my parents home of course, considering the amount of champagne they consumed, and traffic was slight. On the way home, we had to stop and get gas, and as my fathe was putting gas into the vehicle, I told me mother basically what had happened at brunch, and she just sighed to herself and gave me the "He doesn't always say things the way he means them, but he does love you" speech. That was nice, but I hear it too much, so it didn't help at the moment.
We made it home, and two of my cousins came over with their wives and children and were all out back with my mother by the pool when I was planning on going outside myself. I had changed my clothes and was passing my father in the kitchen and I asked him if he was feeling more friendly now, and he took it all the wrong way and started arguing with me about how I have selective hearing and everything he says is wrong so he just should keep his mouth shut and stay home from now on with no opinion.. I tried to explain to him that what he says sometimes can get hurtful and he just took more offence to that, so I headed to my room after failing at fighting back tears of frusturation, shut my door, and proceeded to cry, which led to weepy sobs, which I haven't done in probably five years..
With my face flushed and snot dripping from my nose in about the same intervals as my tears from my eyes, my father comes bursting in my door demanding an explanation and wanting to know how he can better the situation and better understand what it is that I was feeling. We talked, I refraind from whining and stifled as much of my crying as I could, and we worked it out. It came down to that he gives me a hard time as a part of his parenting, but sometimes it's not pushing me in the right direction, it's just being a complete pain in the ass and pouring lemon juice in open wounds. I explained to him that I get enough lack of faith and questioning as well as criticizm from everyone else I know, and that when he adds to it, in excess, it can get to be too much. He responded in that was his way of keeping my eyes open to the possiblity of what can happen, to keep a sense of realism in my dreams. He said that he supports me fully, and has a huge respect and understanding as best he can of what I'm doing and where I'm heading in life. He said that it's hard for him to understand and take in everything sometimes though because I'll shut him off, and I bottle up so much, keeping so much to myself, and on top of that, we don't ever really have a chance to sit down and talk. I agreed, and explained that I bottle up and just shut him off at times because I'll get so sick of him and never having anything positive to say, just negativity and questioning of what I'm doing, always "That's good, BUT", never just "That's good." I agreed that we don't talk as much as we should, but our schedules are never in quite the same line, so we never really get a chance to just sit down and talk, and that's why I always try to fill him in on my way to school or when he gets home from work. He understood, and realized that my being such a stubborn hard ass was successfully his doing, and that my closedness to a lot of emotion was a part of that as well.
He appologized.. And, that completely set me back. He appologized for upsetting me, and said that he never meant to. He said that he's always loved me of course and supported me in whatever I choose, and that he gives me a hard time just to force me to try and do better. He said that he realizes now that sometimes there can be too much of him and his negativity, and that sometimes I just need him to be there for me, and just pat me on the back and help me in the right direction as opposed to telling me about every possibly way I can falter. I said it was ok, and that it wasn't really his fault to begin with, and nontheless he appologized again, and left my room.
I thought for a moment, and realized that that was probably a good thing, no matter how emotional it ended up being, it was a good thing. I cleaned myself up, and went down the hall, and we hugged, said our "I love you"'s, and headed outside for the rest of the day, to take in some sun.
All in all, I've been trying to get a hold of Steve.. Mostly, I just want to talk to him, to hug him, just because he always makes me feel better. I still just feel really emotional, and I always feel better when I'm around him.. He's the center. Someday, if he ever reads that story, he'll understand about being the center. Heh. For now, I just wish he'd call me.
My father and I had a large misunderstanding/venting/arguing thing that went on today.. He successfully made me cry, for the first time in I don't know how long. You see it all began at brunch. I was listening in on a conversation he was having with my Uncle Jim about how I was planning on going to CalArts, and I was a fine arts major and doing theatre and what not. Well, the way it sounded was like he was all standoffish to my being a fine arts major, like I wasn't going to make anything of my life and if I did it would be some big miracle being a fine arts major. So, that just set me off for the rest of the morning. Later on he was teasing me lik, "You should get a job", and some time later I mentioned that I wasn't high maintinenance, and he was practically thrown aback by that. That one really caught me off guard, cause for anyone who doesn't know me know me, I really am one of the most low maintinance girls ever. But, anyway..
I stayed mostly quiet during brunch, really I just wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn't. I had nowhere to go, and this was family I hadn't seen in quite sometime, so it would be rude. I bit my tongue and thought of other things, trying to ignore my father next to me. Brunch went along smoothly, and we all said our goodbyes and had our hugs and took touristy pictures, and then went our seperate ways. I drove my parents home of course, considering the amount of champagne they consumed, and traffic was slight. On the way home, we had to stop and get gas, and as my fathe was putting gas into the vehicle, I told me mother basically what had happened at brunch, and she just sighed to herself and gave me the "He doesn't always say things the way he means them, but he does love you" speech. That was nice, but I hear it too much, so it didn't help at the moment.
We made it home, and two of my cousins came over with their wives and children and were all out back with my mother by the pool when I was planning on going outside myself. I had changed my clothes and was passing my father in the kitchen and I asked him if he was feeling more friendly now, and he took it all the wrong way and started arguing with me about how I have selective hearing and everything he says is wrong so he just should keep his mouth shut and stay home from now on with no opinion.. I tried to explain to him that what he says sometimes can get hurtful and he just took more offence to that, so I headed to my room after failing at fighting back tears of frusturation, shut my door, and proceeded to cry, which led to weepy sobs, which I haven't done in probably five years..
With my face flushed and snot dripping from my nose in about the same intervals as my tears from my eyes, my father comes bursting in my door demanding an explanation and wanting to know how he can better the situation and better understand what it is that I was feeling. We talked, I refraind from whining and stifled as much of my crying as I could, and we worked it out. It came down to that he gives me a hard time as a part of his parenting, but sometimes it's not pushing me in the right direction, it's just being a complete pain in the ass and pouring lemon juice in open wounds. I explained to him that I get enough lack of faith and questioning as well as criticizm from everyone else I know, and that when he adds to it, in excess, it can get to be too much. He responded in that was his way of keeping my eyes open to the possiblity of what can happen, to keep a sense of realism in my dreams. He said that he supports me fully, and has a huge respect and understanding as best he can of what I'm doing and where I'm heading in life. He said that it's hard for him to understand and take in everything sometimes though because I'll shut him off, and I bottle up so much, keeping so much to myself, and on top of that, we don't ever really have a chance to sit down and talk. I agreed, and explained that I bottle up and just shut him off at times because I'll get so sick of him and never having anything positive to say, just negativity and questioning of what I'm doing, always "That's good, BUT", never just "That's good." I agreed that we don't talk as much as we should, but our schedules are never in quite the same line, so we never really get a chance to just sit down and talk, and that's why I always try to fill him in on my way to school or when he gets home from work. He understood, and realized that my being such a stubborn hard ass was successfully his doing, and that my closedness to a lot of emotion was a part of that as well.
He appologized.. And, that completely set me back. He appologized for upsetting me, and said that he never meant to. He said that he's always loved me of course and supported me in whatever I choose, and that he gives me a hard time just to force me to try and do better. He said that he realizes now that sometimes there can be too much of him and his negativity, and that sometimes I just need him to be there for me, and just pat me on the back and help me in the right direction as opposed to telling me about every possibly way I can falter. I said it was ok, and that it wasn't really his fault to begin with, and nontheless he appologized again, and left my room.
I thought for a moment, and realized that that was probably a good thing, no matter how emotional it ended up being, it was a good thing. I cleaned myself up, and went down the hall, and we hugged, said our "I love you"'s, and headed outside for the rest of the day, to take in some sun.
All in all, I've been trying to get a hold of Steve.. Mostly, I just want to talk to him, to hug him, just because he always makes me feel better. I still just feel really emotional, and I always feel better when I'm around him.. He's the center. Someday, if he ever reads that story, he'll understand about being the center. Heh. For now, I just wish he'd call me.