15 Days So Far... 16 More To Go!
Well GREAT NEWS! I am NOT PREGANT! So thankful now… that was one of the biggest scares in my life… even if everyone else was disappointed I wasn’t… I don’t care how cute I would have looked and how much they would have pampered me! I am NOT Ready yet! So with that I know now… I am going to try with everything in me to make this relationship with Bill work and last. Starting from the time I seen the turn out of that test I promised and vowed to be faithful and be only for him. I wavered in our relationship because I know now why… I feel unworthy and undeserving of him. I feel I DO NOT match this wonderful guy who is perfect from head to toe and mind and spirit! But I am determined to make myself feel worthy and deserving of him… I will do it for him and myself mostly. I think that is why I have been blocking him out and not letting our lives become one. He makes it easy to love him, but hard to stay in love with him cause he just so caring and loving. That I kind of feel pressured to try harder to love him as much as he loves me but once I do then he goes falling more and deeper in love with me… that I feel bad to have him love me that much when I can’t return it. I hate how he tells me it’s ok that he doesn’t care as long as I just love him as much as I can… that’s how he makes it easy to love him. I am happy to be with him… been 15 days since we started our break… it has felt like it been already a month since I last talked to him and even longer since we last touch, kissed, and held each other’s hand. I hate the fact we cut off all communication with each other. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no messaging, and no video chat! That is how we survived being together because we had all that and always made time for each other no matter what. We text each other EVERYDAY sometimes all day and he calls me everyday if he can and if not by least the 3 days he would make sure to call me… and we talk hours on the phone. To save on my phone bill we use msn to chat or to video chat to each other. Since he’s off traveling and working so hard *hearts* I love him and want to support him in everything he wants to do and dreams of doing. The thought that I might lose him… it scared me a lot… there was a grip on my heart and my lungs felt like they were failing and I felt like a big part of myself might be dying. That made me realize how much he means to me and how much I need him in my life and world. I am willing to talk with him and have us talk things out and compromise with anything and everything… So I am going to work at this with a full head and heart that I know can compromise with it’s self. *smiles* Because I have now started to think about making our lives more together… us living together… us getting married… us having cute half German and half Native American babies… 2 beautiful boys I can see… maybe twins like him and his brother *smiles* I can actually see our future together… something I have NEVER be able to do and even think of until recently… it truly opened my eyes. I have SO MUCH to tell him and SO MUCH to talk to him about. I am a little bit scared but mostly excited about it! He is the FIRST PERSON to ever make me really think about these kinds of things and be happy and excited about them. Before I use to hate and be scared of those kinds of things with my other boyfriends and girlfriends. I am thinking maybe this one is truly mine… for keeps… forever! 16 days until we can talk again… feels so much longer away then it really is. So glad that Bill’s brother Tom calls me every other day to talk to me plus texts me everyday *hearts* if it wasn’t for Tom being my little fix to help me get through this month break from bill I would be going crazy. So glad I have wonderful boyfriend plus and great close friend. I don’t miss Bill as long as Tom calls and My raven is close by../ she numbs all the pains I feel… I feel stupid for relying on them… but they will never leave me alone to feel that way. They will always make me laugh and smile!