Falling Out Of Love To Just Fall In Love
Well last night I was kept awake until the early morning hours… I feel so dead right now! I could have slept so much longer. Just couldn’t since I had to be at work. Why do people always seem to like to keep me awake at such late hours…?! Mostly guys do it! The girls seem to have a good sense of time. I don’t mind just wish they least let me get a few decent hours of sleep, since I do work weekdays during the day. That’s the only problem is not getting enough sleep… why does my life always seem to be so full and busy… Guess that is just my life.
Well anyways Tom was the first person to call me last night. He wanted to call to say sorry for butting in to Bill and me relationship. Tom seems to want to play referrer in our relationship. That I kind of blew up on him telling him that Bill and me relationship is between me and bill, not between Bill, me and him. That I was sick and tired of having him go back and forth between me and bill relaying messages and stuff. Bill can say this stuff to me. I even hung up on Tom that day he called me and even told him to tell Bill if this is how things will keep going that we might as well call it over. One thing you can count on Tom is giving you time to cool down before he attempts to call you back. After a few hours that day he called me back just to ask me what Bill had said to make me so very upset. He could tell by the sound of my voice and how I was acting that whatever it was really got to me.
Well Bill called me one day like he does every few days. We were having a good talk but I could tell something was brothering him by how he was acting, talking, and seeming distance. I didn’t want to press him about it, I know he will tell me when he is ready to or when he wants to talk about it since we always talk about anything and everything together. That is what makes our relationship so strong and makes it work. We have no secrets and we keep nothing from each other. We don’t press each other to tell the other what is wrong right way but that we both have an understanding that with time the other will talk to the other about it. So I kept chit chat with my love. Until he said he had something important to tell me, so I thought he was going to let me know what was getting him all twisted up. Then he said something that just knocked the wind out of me… that is felt very much like he really did punch me in my gut with all his might. I know he was trying to find the right way to word what he was saying but he did a terrible job of it.
This is what he said “Haven, I think you need to grow up! Video gaming, manga reading, and anime watching were just way to geeky that you need to change.” I just lost it… that is a part of who I am! I love doing all that stuff I rather do that then party seriously or even partying while doing these would be so much better. He’s also been trying to tell me how to look and how to dress like he is trying to change all of me. It just hurt me very much because I love me for how I am. It just made me kind of think… Why did he fall in love with me then?! I even asked him that I kind of blew up on him… I hung up on him and told him not to call me back. We didn’t talk until last night and this happened Thursday night. I told myself that once I had found myself and was happy that I wouldn’t change for anything or anyone. So far it’s been so very awesome… I am happier, I am more alive, and my friends and family have noticed this glow that always comes from me. I am told by a lot of people on different days that I am awesome and great just the way I am. So why change?!
Anyways, last night I was playing Left 4 Dead on the X-Box 360 having the Ipod hooked in and playing music. As I was playing Bill’s song comes on that I am doing ok singing along as I play my game. About half way through the song I couldn’t fight it anymore. I needed to talk to him… I didn’t like how it was for us and what was happening. I just paused the game grabbed my phone and ran outside to call him. He answered in two rings and we were both silent for a few seconds before I finally breathed out “I just needed to hear your voice… I heard your song and it just woken my feelings of missing you” He chuckled a little into the phone then I started to cry saying “What is happening to us?!” He hates to see or hear me cry even more so when he is the reason I am crying. He finally spoke into the phone “Don’t cry my sweet! Oh please baby, don’t cry… I am so sorry!” I just couldn’t help but to cry a little bit more since I had been holding it all in so much. He started to get mad at himself over the phone. Then telling me “All I do now is make you cry…” I finally stop my little cry to listen to him “I promise you that we will fix this, we will be better again. I just can’t talk to you right now since I am with the guys and we are working” I told him it was ok and that all I wanted was to hear his voice. He started to laugh and said “I am the one who makes you cry and you don’t want a sorry you just want to hear my voice.” I started to laugh as well and smiled. “I love you, and I am sorry for what I did. I will talk to you soon about this when I can spare a good couple hours to talk. I will phone you in the next couple days, ok?” I said ok and he told me “I do love you haven, more than anything else in this world. So don’t cry anymore.” I told him that I loved him too and we said our good byes.
It was nice to finally talk to him to get things in motion for us to fix this little rough patch we had hit. I have a feeling it not so much me but his work that is stressing him out. Even so that Tom kind of helped me out last night by telling me that he is really stress and taking out on other people for no reason or for little reasons. Tom has been a good great friend just sucks because he is my boyfriend’s twin brother who also once upon a time had feelings for me now… I don’t know if he still does but I do have a strong feeling he is still holding a little something for me in his heart. I am just glad that he has kind of met this girl who I like and think is wonder, beautiful, and sweet. Hell I would have hit on her too if I was single *winks* I can say he has good taste *laughs* So talking with Tom about anything and everything just like his brother… sometimes I swear it’s like I have two boyfriends wrapped into one with these twin brothers… I feel bad. Or maybe it’s just me over thinking Tom’s kindness! Anyways I try to talk to Tom about things I want to talk to Bill about first just to see what he thinks Bill might say or react. This has helped me out many times. I know Bill does the same thing about me to Tom, because Tom has told us both that we talk to him about the other.
Anyways after a good talk Tom asked me “Ok Haven! What is on your mind? Stop keeping it from me, I know you want to tell me. So stop playing around and spill it out” I started to laugh really hard and then said “Gawd! You and your brother know me WAY too well!” Well I told him that my heart was growing some pretty strong feelings for one of my guy friends. Tom told me to keep going and I did. I told how with crying a lot because of Bill’s action as of lately has been making me kind of start to fall out of love with him. Something I don’t want but seems when I fall in love with him to the same level he seems to fall deeper for me… my feelings can match his to any amount. His love for me is so much greater than I can ever feel for him right now. I feel like I am cheating him this way… I know he will say “No baby, it doesn’t matter if you think I love you more than you love me just as long as you love me even a little bit compare to my feelings for you. You are still returning it back to me and I am not complaining because it’s all been amazing!” Plus I told Tom how I have been thinking of my guy friend a lot daydreaming about him and everything. Plus the fact is I can’t wait to hear from him again… that I look forward to it mostly everyday… so sad *tear* Tom thinks maybe I should distance myself from my friend for a time until me and Bill fully figure things out… I am thinking he is right. Well after our good long talk we said good night.
Then Cross calls not even 20 minutes after Tom and just says “Darling, I was sleeping then a feeling of need came over me that I had to call you! What is wrong?” Cross is an amazing person and a wonderful friend. We haven’t been friends this long without him knowing me complete in everyway and I mean EVERY WAY since we dated a few years back. I know he still has feelings for me a lot… I just couldn’t forgive him for cheating on me. He knows he ruined everything and beats himself up for it. That he now says he is indebt with me for life to make it up too me… I told him no but he keeps being there for me in everyway possible… I just wish he would find a new girl friend cause I hate this feeling I get that he is like waiting for me… thinking I will come back. I don’t know but all I do know is I really want me and Bill to work because I just have this connect to him that I feel if breaks I will lose myself all over again. I talked to him about all the things that happened and everything so it was like repeating me and tom’s whole conversation over again… which was kind of stupid! After our phone talk we said good night and that we heart each other. I don’t say love to him or he doesn’t say love to me because for both of us it still causes a little pain!
Well I hope Bill calls soon because I can’t do something because it involves spending time with the guy friend who seems to make my heart flutter… Well I hope I can have a better sleep tonight! Plus need to work out tonight… so my body will need its sleep!
Well anyways Tom was the first person to call me last night. He wanted to call to say sorry for butting in to Bill and me relationship. Tom seems to want to play referrer in our relationship. That I kind of blew up on him telling him that Bill and me relationship is between me and bill, not between Bill, me and him. That I was sick and tired of having him go back and forth between me and bill relaying messages and stuff. Bill can say this stuff to me. I even hung up on Tom that day he called me and even told him to tell Bill if this is how things will keep going that we might as well call it over. One thing you can count on Tom is giving you time to cool down before he attempts to call you back. After a few hours that day he called me back just to ask me what Bill had said to make me so very upset. He could tell by the sound of my voice and how I was acting that whatever it was really got to me.
Well Bill called me one day like he does every few days. We were having a good talk but I could tell something was brothering him by how he was acting, talking, and seeming distance. I didn’t want to press him about it, I know he will tell me when he is ready to or when he wants to talk about it since we always talk about anything and everything together. That is what makes our relationship so strong and makes it work. We have no secrets and we keep nothing from each other. We don’t press each other to tell the other what is wrong right way but that we both have an understanding that with time the other will talk to the other about it. So I kept chit chat with my love. Until he said he had something important to tell me, so I thought he was going to let me know what was getting him all twisted up. Then he said something that just knocked the wind out of me… that is felt very much like he really did punch me in my gut with all his might. I know he was trying to find the right way to word what he was saying but he did a terrible job of it.
This is what he said “Haven, I think you need to grow up! Video gaming, manga reading, and anime watching were just way to geeky that you need to change.” I just lost it… that is a part of who I am! I love doing all that stuff I rather do that then party seriously or even partying while doing these would be so much better. He’s also been trying to tell me how to look and how to dress like he is trying to change all of me. It just hurt me very much because I love me for how I am. It just made me kind of think… Why did he fall in love with me then?! I even asked him that I kind of blew up on him… I hung up on him and told him not to call me back. We didn’t talk until last night and this happened Thursday night. I told myself that once I had found myself and was happy that I wouldn’t change for anything or anyone. So far it’s been so very awesome… I am happier, I am more alive, and my friends and family have noticed this glow that always comes from me. I am told by a lot of people on different days that I am awesome and great just the way I am. So why change?!
Anyways, last night I was playing Left 4 Dead on the X-Box 360 having the Ipod hooked in and playing music. As I was playing Bill’s song comes on that I am doing ok singing along as I play my game. About half way through the song I couldn’t fight it anymore. I needed to talk to him… I didn’t like how it was for us and what was happening. I just paused the game grabbed my phone and ran outside to call him. He answered in two rings and we were both silent for a few seconds before I finally breathed out “I just needed to hear your voice… I heard your song and it just woken my feelings of missing you” He chuckled a little into the phone then I started to cry saying “What is happening to us?!” He hates to see or hear me cry even more so when he is the reason I am crying. He finally spoke into the phone “Don’t cry my sweet! Oh please baby, don’t cry… I am so sorry!” I just couldn’t help but to cry a little bit more since I had been holding it all in so much. He started to get mad at himself over the phone. Then telling me “All I do now is make you cry…” I finally stop my little cry to listen to him “I promise you that we will fix this, we will be better again. I just can’t talk to you right now since I am with the guys and we are working” I told him it was ok and that all I wanted was to hear his voice. He started to laugh and said “I am the one who makes you cry and you don’t want a sorry you just want to hear my voice.” I started to laugh as well and smiled. “I love you, and I am sorry for what I did. I will talk to you soon about this when I can spare a good couple hours to talk. I will phone you in the next couple days, ok?” I said ok and he told me “I do love you haven, more than anything else in this world. So don’t cry anymore.” I told him that I loved him too and we said our good byes.
It was nice to finally talk to him to get things in motion for us to fix this little rough patch we had hit. I have a feeling it not so much me but his work that is stressing him out. Even so that Tom kind of helped me out last night by telling me that he is really stress and taking out on other people for no reason or for little reasons. Tom has been a good great friend just sucks because he is my boyfriend’s twin brother who also once upon a time had feelings for me now… I don’t know if he still does but I do have a strong feeling he is still holding a little something for me in his heart. I am just glad that he has kind of met this girl who I like and think is wonder, beautiful, and sweet. Hell I would have hit on her too if I was single *winks* I can say he has good taste *laughs* So talking with Tom about anything and everything just like his brother… sometimes I swear it’s like I have two boyfriends wrapped into one with these twin brothers… I feel bad. Or maybe it’s just me over thinking Tom’s kindness! Anyways I try to talk to Tom about things I want to talk to Bill about first just to see what he thinks Bill might say or react. This has helped me out many times. I know Bill does the same thing about me to Tom, because Tom has told us both that we talk to him about the other.
Anyways after a good talk Tom asked me “Ok Haven! What is on your mind? Stop keeping it from me, I know you want to tell me. So stop playing around and spill it out” I started to laugh really hard and then said “Gawd! You and your brother know me WAY too well!” Well I told him that my heart was growing some pretty strong feelings for one of my guy friends. Tom told me to keep going and I did. I told how with crying a lot because of Bill’s action as of lately has been making me kind of start to fall out of love with him. Something I don’t want but seems when I fall in love with him to the same level he seems to fall deeper for me… my feelings can match his to any amount. His love for me is so much greater than I can ever feel for him right now. I feel like I am cheating him this way… I know he will say “No baby, it doesn’t matter if you think I love you more than you love me just as long as you love me even a little bit compare to my feelings for you. You are still returning it back to me and I am not complaining because it’s all been amazing!” Plus I told Tom how I have been thinking of my guy friend a lot daydreaming about him and everything. Plus the fact is I can’t wait to hear from him again… that I look forward to it mostly everyday… so sad *tear* Tom thinks maybe I should distance myself from my friend for a time until me and Bill fully figure things out… I am thinking he is right. Well after our good long talk we said good night.
Then Cross calls not even 20 minutes after Tom and just says “Darling, I was sleeping then a feeling of need came over me that I had to call you! What is wrong?” Cross is an amazing person and a wonderful friend. We haven’t been friends this long without him knowing me complete in everyway and I mean EVERY WAY since we dated a few years back. I know he still has feelings for me a lot… I just couldn’t forgive him for cheating on me. He knows he ruined everything and beats himself up for it. That he now says he is indebt with me for life to make it up too me… I told him no but he keeps being there for me in everyway possible… I just wish he would find a new girl friend cause I hate this feeling I get that he is like waiting for me… thinking I will come back. I don’t know but all I do know is I really want me and Bill to work because I just have this connect to him that I feel if breaks I will lose myself all over again. I talked to him about all the things that happened and everything so it was like repeating me and tom’s whole conversation over again… which was kind of stupid! After our phone talk we said good night and that we heart each other. I don’t say love to him or he doesn’t say love to me because for both of us it still causes a little pain!
Well I hope Bill calls soon because I can’t do something because it involves spending time with the guy friend who seems to make my heart flutter… Well I hope I can have a better sleep tonight! Plus need to work out tonight… so my body will need its sleep!