Jun 01, 2005 17:12
Fair warning to all, this may be a multi-parter.....
Last Monday night was pretty good, me Sharon and Bob rocked up to Delanco. We read up on Jude, and relaxed for a bit. We decided that we should volunteer some of our time to do some work around the camp. Not even anything huge just throw some paint on the walls or something like that. Tuesday was interesting, I hung out with Dut and Brian and then talked to Carly for a little bit on the phone. And we got into an argument. It's weird, we didn't fight for 4 monthes, and then all of a sudden everytime we talk we argue. So I was in an interesting mood going to prayer. And then I ended up allowing myself to cry at prayer. I used to cry quite a bit as a youngin' but by the time I hit....maybe 13 I didn't cry at all. I didn't cry when Pasha or my uncle died. I was really upset by those events (as one would expect to be) but I couldn't bring myself to crying. I think it was part of an immature vision of what a man is, or more importantly what a man does or doesn't do (and I thought a man doesn't cry). But I remember hitting a point at Rider when I just couldn't do anything else but that, and since leaving Rider I've been mature enough and in touch with my emotions enough to allow myself to cry when the situation warrents it. The cool part is that when this girl saw me she came over and just put her arm around me to comfort me. The reason I used the phrase "this girl" is because I don't know her name, she's been there only a few times and I am not great with names. I can remember everything else about a person, but for some reason I'll forget his/her name. But that was the cool part, I hardly know this girl but she stepped up to the plate in one of my moments of need, when I was vulenrable she was there. But since I mentioned Carly, I might as well go into that. I will attempt to make this the last mention of it on my LJ (No Promises).
I narrowed the reasons of why this all happened down to the three, and I think the winner may have just been revealed. I'm going to start with bringing out the "finalists" (I suppose you can call them that). (1. She was afraid of being hurt and shut herself down. (2. She was afraid of the speed of the relationship and ran away from it. (3. Shawn got played. Numbers 2 and 3 have quite a bit to do with maturity. The winner is #3. This may be the toughest one to swallow. I came to this conclusion after reading her latest journal entry. She talks about how at first her head was agaisnt it, but her heart was in it, but towards the end her head was trying to keep it, but her heart was agaisnt it. Which goes agaisnt anything I knew about until about 1:30 Saturday May 14th. (Keep in mind we started on Wednesday January 12th at about 5:30 (because I had to rush to get to work by 6)). All I heard was that her heart and her head was in it, but now it seems like they were playing the opposition of eachother, they switched teams, but they still opposed eachother. Other clues led me to this, we've talked twice since that Saturday. At first she had been thinking about it for two weeks, then she said it had just hit her the Thursday right before and then at one point it had been on her mind for a month. What's a guy to make of this? At first she cited an intangiable cause, which was quickly extended to intangiable personality clashes. Later she tells me that she was tired of fighting and she "wasn't very happy." We fought, perhaps three times within a week and a half, (and fighting to me is extremely tangiable) and if she wasn't "very happy," why did she constantly make it a point to tell me she "was very happy." To me this seems very immature, and she may of also been playing herself but she was also playing me. Trying to convice herself it was something until she believed it. Here's the thing, if you have to convince yourself, then at some point you know that it isn't. I hate being played, Dut put it perfectly. He was telling me of a conversation he had had with Brian. Brian thought I had a problem with him, (even though I told him I didn't), and he was asking Dut if I did. This is what Dut told him:
"If Sepp told you he doesn't have a problem with you then he doesn't have a problem with you. He doesn't play games, he doesn't lie about that kind of thing."
The reason that I find this quote to be of value is because I don't play games with the relationships I have with people I care for. With that in mind, I ask these people not to play games with me, and that's what happened and that's why I'm angry. Games are why relationships (not just boyfriend/girlfriend, but all kinds) end.
Anyhow, I was talking to Tom about all of this. I was just telling him it's rough, because you have this relationship with this girl, she's your bestfriend. You tell her everything, she knows many of your stories and she's learning the rest, she knows the details of your life and your personality. You let her see every facet of your own being, she knows your dreams and asspirations, she knows what drives you and what turns you off. And the hardest thing to share, she knows your weaknessess. Then one day, completely out of the blue, she tells you that you are no longer good enough or deserving of this relationship. But she plays it off like you are supposed to be cool with it.
So I begin to lean on God and my close friends for support. God's strength is amazing, and I have tons of close friends to lean on. But I've noticed that some people means of trying to help is to try to get me to understand that I deserve better, that I'm better off, and that there are plenty of other girls. A few people like to get this point across by bad mouthing Carly. I do have a problem with this. First and foremost not only do I not want people bad mouthing her, I tell people they aren't allowed to. Also, I don't care how much validity a statement such as "You deserve better" or "You're better off" holds, I don't need to be reminded of these things. Also, I certainly don't need to be reminded of the large amount of women there are. The reason I don't need to be reminded of this is because right now I am prone to rebound. After an initial week of being attracted to nothing, my body is screaming at me to rebound, and I find so many girls attractive. And I am fighting the "good battle" agaisnt my horomones so I don't rebound on some girl. This battle is very difficult, but I promised that I was done with the casual thing, because I am so much more about the quality then the quantity. But, please do pray for me regarding this subject, because I am struggling with it, and I feel like I'm just keeping my head above the water.
As I finish up this entry, "The Difference" begins to play. This is appropriate to finishing for finishing this topic. The song is about a guy who is struggling with a relationship that has just ended. It has three verses, and listening to the first two you would think it is a very sad song, but the last verse brings it full circle.
"Day breaking on the boulevard feel the sun warming your second hand heart. Light swimming right across your face and you think 'Maybe someday.'"
I find this song to, on some levels, exemplify what is going on in my life. I am not at all afraid to show/share the hurt that I have expierenced lately. But at the same time, it isn't a hopeless self-pitying hurt. Infact I have more then just hope, I have the knowledge that I will find what I'm looking for.
I don't think think they have a video for this song, but I imagine the end of it being a man, eyes closed ,head tilted back, and arms fully extended...eagerly awaiting what comes next.
Oh dag, that took awhile, and I have more to write about. So, lets take a break, use the potty and grab a snack before we continue.