Sunglasses at night~
Well i had actually wrote this praticurly but being the anus iam decided to see what rich text mode did befor i had finished and accidently deleted the whole entry which i had spent a ludacris amount of about 30 minutes writting.yet im here writting my account of the activitys ive been up to again.
im fine when im out really but as soon as i get home i always feel so drained and down i really need to get out this rut ive come to the conclusion its probberly because ive spent now almost over half a month of going at it everynight and not resting but to be honest i feel it might not even be that and i hope im wrong.ive also relaized this is a internet journal and i by far i think bare myself to open it sometimes and prehaps i should stop but i used to keep a diary and i just could never get the motavation to write in it enough to keep a well enough documented account of on goings but on here because im such a geek i guess find it easyier to do so because im already here and also i can type faster then i can write,yeesh!i also another realization is i havent eat propperly in about five days but in ways im glad of that as i noticed im getting a belly and need to lose it desperately im never happy with my weight im either to skinny or now scared of getting fat i feel like such a woman lol!
today started off on a pretty horrible note where i just wanted to lie in bed all day and honestly do nothing but then realized i had a driving lesson which i was so contemplateing not going to but know that if i didnt i would just have another pile of rubbish to deal with which i really just couldnt be bothered with the hassel off.i got to my lesson late and felt and must of looked such a state i felt so embarressed and such a sham just really embarressing i was in no fit state to be seen by any person let alone one on one and to deal with driving i mean i enjoy my driving lesson dont get me wrong but i just really didnt feel up to it today although i admit it was in ways a good way to venbt frustration because i get on with my instructor better then him being the teacher and i the learner ive actually become comftable with him and hes to be honest a pretty vile man who just swears and oggles passing females but he does make me laugh and doesnt mind me getting im afraid to say road rage which i do i just get so frustrated sometimes with how retarded people can be i mean i suppose im still learning but i even freaking know you cant over take when theres about a meters space and theres a trillion cars going at 70 plus mph its just retarded the things some people think they can do they have no considration it seems for even them selfs let alone others.my lesson was probberly though the worst hour of driving ive ever had i just was in no fit state to be learning any turns i hit one stage where i was ready to just stop the car and hit my head repeatdly against the horn as i was just mucking up so muchly and when i muck up once i just lose it completely because that one mistake plays on my mind and makes me muck up more it scares me because i feel like i probberly do that in life as well,anyways i finally got the torture over and done with and as soon as i got home i just went up to my not even finished yet room which is basically just a white box because i just needed to be alone and couldnt even face my own mother i just layed on my bed with my head phones on listening to yeesh embarressing but dashboard confessional contemplateing things and thinking of malarky i felt really creative but just didnt have the extra factor to actually do anything about it infact even move lol!i thought i was only there for about 25 minutes but when i finally went back down stairs i realized i was up there for a good 3 and a half hours or something stupid and that i had just wasted so much time and now was in a rush,id called up blissy and founght out i had about 20 minutes befor my bus i hadnt even txt dani yet like i said i would which i felt really bad about and dissapointed because i had actually been looking forward to if she actually even wanted to going for a drink with her.i luckily managed got to speak to her and nici on the net quickly befor i went and whilst i was getting ready and tell them what time to get to the gig and seemed really cool about it all i was suprised they were coming actually because nici was really really ill i hope shes okays now because i know i saw her tonight but also know she was falling pretty damn under the weather, i hate seeing people under the weather because i feel so bad for them i know i despise it when iam because it just ov makes you feel horrible.anyway i got to the gig at the angel to find blissy was sound checking so i had to just sit downstairs and have a lonesome alcoholic beverage.i wierdly although feling extreamly self conciouse enjoyed it.i do really enjoy sometimes just doing things like that by my own and actually haveing time to take in whats going on.it was also wierd because across was another lonesome guy who must of been 50 plus and the similarites must of been emense apart from our age.i couldnt help but think thats probberly what im going to be like when im older but i wasnt even botherd because he looked totally content.and i guess that all i want from life is to be content.i think thats what everyone strives for really just to feel contempt.it seemed aswell everyone knew him but didnt as well,im sure that doesnt make sense but to me it does and thats all that matters i guess.i finished my pint and smokey beverage and by that time felt far to conciouse to stay any longer so went out side to call master bliss and see how long he would be,he was still mid soundcheck but like the top guys they are they came down specailly to grab me.i feel really wierd saying but honestly alien tendrills and im not even just saying it because thier my friends are a freaking amazing band and im sure there going to do something one day and are so so so good.you know when you listen to music sometimes and it goves you that feeling and you know you love music just because it gives you that feeling well they give me that.but on top of that thier the nicest most grounded friendly people in the world ever.anyways they finished there sound check and we went down stairs for some more drinks where emma and leah came in leahs im afraid and maybe nasty to say feels like a stranger now i hate it when that happens.emma just makes me laugh everytime and within about mmm 1 trilla secoand you feel at the most ease with her ever we joked a bit about our heart to heart we had earylier in the day and i really meant what i said to her i know shes going to be some one i always rember and always care and shes always going to be one of the best friends i will ever have in my life time,shes beautifull inside and out and theres hardly anyone you can say that about me thinks.anyway went back upstairs to see the bands and im sorry but the first band sucked so badly it was like amylee trying to be courtney love as well but also haveing her dad playing in the band and im sorry its harsh but that just loses any credability i would gove them.it was a shambles in the end we ended uo going to where the bands hangout and even though im not even a band i still just hung out with the guys lol and its wierd to say but i actually ahem felt like a rock star praticurly ahem lol it was awsome just hanging out and doing what we wanted whilst we scribbled all over the already ink batterd infested walls.things like that i find really cool because i would read and notice what people beforehand have wrote/done and i hope people read/noticed what we had done its like praticurly leaving a piece of yourself thier,went back out anyway to see the next band big gay following i think they were and after the tendrills they were the best they were actually freaking amazing and i really enjoyed there set which is quite a lot for me to say as most local bands i see at gigs i usually dislike but they deffinatly impressed me another bonus was seeing nici and dani there and spoke to nici for a little while then finally dani i feel so nervouse around her, im not even sure if she does read this but in ways hope she doesnt because i swear i must sound so creepy lol and just blatently embarress myself to the full extent!yeesh!anyways the band finished and i went down to get another drink then back to the band room where we hung out some more and generally mucked about...greg wrote alien tendrills just above my buttocks when i was slightly past merry and i know thats going to be so hard to was off lol!it was a laugh and emma came in as well we also had blissys new album going off on my mini speakers and cd player which was cool we missed the 3rd bad but i have no regreats because i saw what they looked like which was nofx and old afi rejects and i also heard they cover they did which was terrible to say the least!they finally left and it was time for the guys to play so went into the room while they set up and got to speak to dani again she told me how the band which had just gone on had managed to clear the room to about five people hahahahaha!anyways tendrils finally played and i have to admit you can so tell nowerdays how much more confident and relaxed they are and they do actually do look comftable and tight and unlike most crap local band but some freaking passion in to it!anus features even had people mimicking his lame little swagger he does between beating the skins which i founght hilarouse lol!greg as well got up on colleys kit and jumped off and nearly destroyed the amp while at the same time nearly rolling off the stage,classssssy!i enjoyed that set for more then one reason but i wont go into that.it ended and twas time to pack up and go so i helped the guys get all thier stuff togeather and take it down so colley could get a taxi with it all home,the sound guy was being such a dick!i laughed when he nearly started crying about the amp being broken but it deserved him right for being such a constant and arragont anus hole,doesnt he understand with out these people playing he wouldnt even have a job?!he should learn to show some respect.finally managed to get everything togeather and in the taxi with colley and went to the chippy and at last started walking to the rescue rooms unfortunately it was closed and i couldnt see nici or dani anywhere at all as i said we were going their and going to be there in about half an hour i know i was late and had no clue it was going to be shut,i felt so so crap and even guilty because i hadnt seen them and wish if i knew that was going to happen could of actually said good bye instead of just see you later =S im not even sure if they went though,hum dinger.ended up seeing jamie and his lot coming out and jamie was wrecked out of his face lol and it was his g/f birthday and he praticurly begged us to come and "party" with him so as we really had nothing better to do did it was kind of hetic and crazy and some how ended up going into media for free!?i dont know how that happend i promised myself i would never go to that place but well broke that promise and suppose was free!it was pretty pathetic to be honest and only stayed about not even 15 minutes befor we left but on the way out because i said shaun paul jamie out of his tree decided to grab and litrually scream to so many females shaun paul was in there and kissing everyone hahaha!he accidently also knocked this little tree that hand on decoration/barrier over as well and the bouncer freaked and jamie in his usual drunken manner took full force of the situtattion and annoy the bouncer even more!id never dare do it lol!the bouncer i swear to god if had got his hands on him would of litrually killed him he was extreamly peeved off and thats an understatement lol!we ended up woundering every one drunken about untill we ended up at the socail.it was far to packed and i was praticurly sober i just didnt enjoy it one bit and nither did greg or blissy and just wanted to go home so finised our drinks and did although i had over and hour and a half really to wait for my bus which sucked so badly but i just needed to get out of that place so waled with greg and blissy to thier bus stop they could of got a bus straight away but was amazing that they waited another half an hour with me so i wasnt totally alone for ages which i was extreamly gratefull and pleased about and went to get some food with them,i actually really enjoyed it and befor i knew it was time for them and me to make out way to our bus stops.anyway got the bus and got home which has lead me to now and ive just constantly listening to the same song on repeat but im to ashamed to say which song it is but is from a band that probberly introduced me into everything iam into nowerdays and will always hold a specail place in my heart all im saying is thier videos in a cue fashion and there new song i think is pretty good and one of their best theyve released since the start of them, thiere first few albums i liked but they just went down hill but this is actually a really good song and the lyrics dont relate that much apart from stop this pain tonight and dont waste your time your already the voice inside in my head,cheesy yes but touching to me personally as well i find as i can relate.
we can have halloween on christmas day
im fine when im out really but as soon as i get home i always feel so drained and down i really need to get out this rut ive come to the conclusion its probberly because ive spent now almost over half a month of going at it everynight and not resting but to be honest i feel it might not even be that and i hope im wrong.ive also relaized this is a internet journal and i by far i think bare myself to open it sometimes and prehaps i should stop but i used to keep a diary and i just could never get the motavation to write in it enough to keep a well enough documented account of on goings but on here because im such a geek i guess find it easyier to do so because im already here and also i can type faster then i can write,yeesh!i also another realization is i havent eat propperly in about five days but in ways im glad of that as i noticed im getting a belly and need to lose it desperately im never happy with my weight im either to skinny or now scared of getting fat i feel like such a woman lol!
today started off on a pretty horrible note where i just wanted to lie in bed all day and honestly do nothing but then realized i had a driving lesson which i was so contemplateing not going to but know that if i didnt i would just have another pile of rubbish to deal with which i really just couldnt be bothered with the hassel off.i got to my lesson late and felt and must of looked such a state i felt so embarressed and such a sham just really embarressing i was in no fit state to be seen by any person let alone one on one and to deal with driving i mean i enjoy my driving lesson dont get me wrong but i just really didnt feel up to it today although i admit it was in ways a good way to venbt frustration because i get on with my instructor better then him being the teacher and i the learner ive actually become comftable with him and hes to be honest a pretty vile man who just swears and oggles passing females but he does make me laugh and doesnt mind me getting im afraid to say road rage which i do i just get so frustrated sometimes with how retarded people can be i mean i suppose im still learning but i even freaking know you cant over take when theres about a meters space and theres a trillion cars going at 70 plus mph its just retarded the things some people think they can do they have no considration it seems for even them selfs let alone others.my lesson was probberly though the worst hour of driving ive ever had i just was in no fit state to be learning any turns i hit one stage where i was ready to just stop the car and hit my head repeatdly against the horn as i was just mucking up so muchly and when i muck up once i just lose it completely because that one mistake plays on my mind and makes me muck up more it scares me because i feel like i probberly do that in life as well,anyways i finally got the torture over and done with and as soon as i got home i just went up to my not even finished yet room which is basically just a white box because i just needed to be alone and couldnt even face my own mother i just layed on my bed with my head phones on listening to yeesh embarressing but dashboard confessional contemplateing things and thinking of malarky i felt really creative but just didnt have the extra factor to actually do anything about it infact even move lol!i thought i was only there for about 25 minutes but when i finally went back down stairs i realized i was up there for a good 3 and a half hours or something stupid and that i had just wasted so much time and now was in a rush,id called up blissy and founght out i had about 20 minutes befor my bus i hadnt even txt dani yet like i said i would which i felt really bad about and dissapointed because i had actually been looking forward to if she actually even wanted to going for a drink with her.i luckily managed got to speak to her and nici on the net quickly befor i went and whilst i was getting ready and tell them what time to get to the gig and seemed really cool about it all i was suprised they were coming actually because nici was really really ill i hope shes okays now because i know i saw her tonight but also know she was falling pretty damn under the weather, i hate seeing people under the weather because i feel so bad for them i know i despise it when iam because it just ov makes you feel horrible.anyway i got to the gig at the angel to find blissy was sound checking so i had to just sit downstairs and have a lonesome alcoholic beverage.i wierdly although feling extreamly self conciouse enjoyed it.i do really enjoy sometimes just doing things like that by my own and actually haveing time to take in whats going on.it was also wierd because across was another lonesome guy who must of been 50 plus and the similarites must of been emense apart from our age.i couldnt help but think thats probberly what im going to be like when im older but i wasnt even botherd because he looked totally content.and i guess that all i want from life is to be content.i think thats what everyone strives for really just to feel contempt.it seemed aswell everyone knew him but didnt as well,im sure that doesnt make sense but to me it does and thats all that matters i guess.i finished my pint and smokey beverage and by that time felt far to conciouse to stay any longer so went out side to call master bliss and see how long he would be,he was still mid soundcheck but like the top guys they are they came down specailly to grab me.i feel really wierd saying but honestly alien tendrills and im not even just saying it because thier my friends are a freaking amazing band and im sure there going to do something one day and are so so so good.you know when you listen to music sometimes and it goves you that feeling and you know you love music just because it gives you that feeling well they give me that.but on top of that thier the nicest most grounded friendly people in the world ever.anyways they finished there sound check and we went down stairs for some more drinks where emma and leah came in leahs im afraid and maybe nasty to say feels like a stranger now i hate it when that happens.emma just makes me laugh everytime and within about mmm 1 trilla secoand you feel at the most ease with her ever we joked a bit about our heart to heart we had earylier in the day and i really meant what i said to her i know shes going to be some one i always rember and always care and shes always going to be one of the best friends i will ever have in my life time,shes beautifull inside and out and theres hardly anyone you can say that about me thinks.anyway went back upstairs to see the bands and im sorry but the first band sucked so badly it was like amylee trying to be courtney love as well but also haveing her dad playing in the band and im sorry its harsh but that just loses any credability i would gove them.it was a shambles in the end we ended uo going to where the bands hangout and even though im not even a band i still just hung out with the guys lol and its wierd to say but i actually ahem felt like a rock star praticurly ahem lol it was awsome just hanging out and doing what we wanted whilst we scribbled all over the already ink batterd infested walls.things like that i find really cool because i would read and notice what people beforehand have wrote/done and i hope people read/noticed what we had done its like praticurly leaving a piece of yourself thier,went back out anyway to see the next band big gay following i think they were and after the tendrills they were the best they were actually freaking amazing and i really enjoyed there set which is quite a lot for me to say as most local bands i see at gigs i usually dislike but they deffinatly impressed me another bonus was seeing nici and dani there and spoke to nici for a little while then finally dani i feel so nervouse around her, im not even sure if she does read this but in ways hope she doesnt because i swear i must sound so creepy lol and just blatently embarress myself to the full extent!yeesh!anyways the band finished and i went down to get another drink then back to the band room where we hung out some more and generally mucked about...greg wrote alien tendrills just above my buttocks when i was slightly past merry and i know thats going to be so hard to was off lol!it was a laugh and emma came in as well we also had blissys new album going off on my mini speakers and cd player which was cool we missed the 3rd bad but i have no regreats because i saw what they looked like which was nofx and old afi rejects and i also heard they cover they did which was terrible to say the least!they finally left and it was time for the guys to play so went into the room while they set up and got to speak to dani again she told me how the band which had just gone on had managed to clear the room to about five people hahahahaha!anyways tendrils finally played and i have to admit you can so tell nowerdays how much more confident and relaxed they are and they do actually do look comftable and tight and unlike most crap local band but some freaking passion in to it!anus features even had people mimicking his lame little swagger he does between beating the skins which i founght hilarouse lol!greg as well got up on colleys kit and jumped off and nearly destroyed the amp while at the same time nearly rolling off the stage,classssssy!i enjoyed that set for more then one reason but i wont go into that.it ended and twas time to pack up and go so i helped the guys get all thier stuff togeather and take it down so colley could get a taxi with it all home,the sound guy was being such a dick!i laughed when he nearly started crying about the amp being broken but it deserved him right for being such a constant and arragont anus hole,doesnt he understand with out these people playing he wouldnt even have a job?!he should learn to show some respect.finally managed to get everything togeather and in the taxi with colley and went to the chippy and at last started walking to the rescue rooms unfortunately it was closed and i couldnt see nici or dani anywhere at all as i said we were going their and going to be there in about half an hour i know i was late and had no clue it was going to be shut,i felt so so crap and even guilty because i hadnt seen them and wish if i knew that was going to happen could of actually said good bye instead of just see you later =S im not even sure if they went though,hum dinger.ended up seeing jamie and his lot coming out and jamie was wrecked out of his face lol and it was his g/f birthday and he praticurly begged us to come and "party" with him so as we really had nothing better to do did it was kind of hetic and crazy and some how ended up going into media for free!?i dont know how that happend i promised myself i would never go to that place but well broke that promise and suppose was free!it was pretty pathetic to be honest and only stayed about not even 15 minutes befor we left but on the way out because i said shaun paul jamie out of his tree decided to grab and litrually scream to so many females shaun paul was in there and kissing everyone hahaha!he accidently also knocked this little tree that hand on decoration/barrier over as well and the bouncer freaked and jamie in his usual drunken manner took full force of the situtattion and annoy the bouncer even more!id never dare do it lol!the bouncer i swear to god if had got his hands on him would of litrually killed him he was extreamly peeved off and thats an understatement lol!we ended up woundering every one drunken about untill we ended up at the socail.it was far to packed and i was praticurly sober i just didnt enjoy it one bit and nither did greg or blissy and just wanted to go home so finised our drinks and did although i had over and hour and a half really to wait for my bus which sucked so badly but i just needed to get out of that place so waled with greg and blissy to thier bus stop they could of got a bus straight away but was amazing that they waited another half an hour with me so i wasnt totally alone for ages which i was extreamly gratefull and pleased about and went to get some food with them,i actually really enjoyed it and befor i knew it was time for them and me to make out way to our bus stops.anyway got the bus and got home which has lead me to now and ive just constantly listening to the same song on repeat but im to ashamed to say which song it is but is from a band that probberly introduced me into everything iam into nowerdays and will always hold a specail place in my heart all im saying is thier videos in a cue fashion and there new song i think is pretty good and one of their best theyve released since the start of them, thiere first few albums i liked but they just went down hill but this is actually a really good song and the lyrics dont relate that much apart from stop this pain tonight and dont waste your time your already the voice inside in my head,cheesy yes but touching to me personally as well i find as i can relate.
we can have halloween on christmas day