In a Good Place
Hello seven o'clock sunsets, cherry blossoms and the spring season.
I'm back to writing again! I have a lot of free time now since completing school. Where do I go from here? Finding a job of course! (nervous laugh) I am feeling a tad restless at home. My husband and I have been at odds about job searching. He doesn't agree with the jobs I've chosen. It feels like every time I bring up a job, it sparks an argument. He is also very diligent on budgeting lately and I feel our eagerness to save however he hasn't helped me find a solution to increasing our income. At this point it feels like the farthest I can go is to window shop.
Oddly enough, I am in a good place in my life. I think a lot of it has to do with connections.
A little over a year ago I decided to burn a lot of bridges. Maybe even a village! It hurt, a lot at first. I thought I was going to be isolated. A loser. An emotional wreck. No one to turn to. I still had friends but no one who closely knew me besides Moses. I decided to end things with my long-time, high school friend Amy. I felt like through all the years I've known her, she never once tried to get to know me or was there for me when I needed her most. A prime example of that was when I was going through my rough patches with Shawn. It was hard but I didn't want to be angry and sad anymore.
Then it was time to let go of Shawn. The expectations were unrealistic. I always saw him as a partner in crime and a best friend- he was for ten year. I wish we could stay friends. I onced had wished he would be a guest at my wedding. But like I said unrealistic. We were talking like normal, in fact we were planning to go on a road trip for his birthday to Medford. I baked him a german chocolate cake and was going to bring it to him. (As some of you may know, I hate baking.) But then he flat out ghost me. I didn't hear from him until mid September in which he said he was in Mt. Hood with no cell service. For a month?! Apparently, he really hit it off with a girl. That was fine, it was to be expected, we were both single. But I thought he would have the decency to tell me he had other plans. That stung. But things were clearer. A repeated thing he did to all his unwanteds; Brandie, Jillie and then me. He ghost them, as soon as a new body comes a long. You should have seen Jillie's reaction when he told her he was dating me. (little did I know, he was two-timing!)
I thought our friendship would outlive his lust but I was wrong. All that opened up a festering wound, a sight that I wished came sooner. When I broke up with him several months earlier, I stammered. I didn't want to leave him and struggled to see him in a bad light. I truly believed I was leaving behind a good man. But I knew I couldn't be his lover anymore. I saw it, this hideous side of him- A sex-addicted, gluttonous, cowardly side, that I was so numb to for almost a decade. I gave him the space for his newfound relationship. I needed space too to recalibrate from all these new emotions. I realized I wasn't ready to see him in a relationship and ask that he be respectful of me. We agreed to censor each other from certain news and feeds. Well at least I did. And he breached that pretty quickly. I don't think he ever cared. Why would he? I was of no value anymore. I let go of him and along with it, a big tall shadow that covered all of his demons. Behind it was a "good man" facade. In reality he is just like his sleezeball father; who didn't respect women, was scary and violent when angry, and disloyal.
I burnt other bridges but I think I reminisced enough for now. These two people were important to me for most of my life and I thought I could not live without them. But when I lost them, I started realizing that maybe, just maybe, I had some pretty toxic people in my life and maybe I've judged people all wrong. Perhaps I should be a little more choosy with who I let in. It left me with some quiet time and some clarity. With that came more love for myself and an opening for support from the right people.
These days I still have depression and anxiety. I think it will always be stuck with me due to past traumas. But I am not hopeless and I am not afraid. Just lazy for the most part! I'm at a crossroad in my life with my health (more on that!). I need to find a comfy career and make some big purchases (A house! A Car! Traveling!) And I'm starting to learn that some of my methods are working- like moderation, CICO and honoring my boundaries!
For once, I am not hiding and I am not scared.
Partial credit goes to my supportive and magnificent husband, Moses!
Happy Birthday to Sai.
Currently watching lakorn, Buang Banjathorn. Taking a break from chinese drama.
I'm back to writing again! I have a lot of free time now since completing school. Where do I go from here? Finding a job of course! (nervous laugh) I am feeling a tad restless at home. My husband and I have been at odds about job searching. He doesn't agree with the jobs I've chosen. It feels like every time I bring up a job, it sparks an argument. He is also very diligent on budgeting lately and I feel our eagerness to save however he hasn't helped me find a solution to increasing our income. At this point it feels like the farthest I can go is to window shop.
Oddly enough, I am in a good place in my life. I think a lot of it has to do with connections.
A little over a year ago I decided to burn a lot of bridges. Maybe even a village! It hurt, a lot at first. I thought I was going to be isolated. A loser. An emotional wreck. No one to turn to. I still had friends but no one who closely knew me besides Moses. I decided to end things with my long-time, high school friend Amy. I felt like through all the years I've known her, she never once tried to get to know me or was there for me when I needed her most. A prime example of that was when I was going through my rough patches with Shawn. It was hard but I didn't want to be angry and sad anymore.
Then it was time to let go of Shawn. The expectations were unrealistic. I always saw him as a partner in crime and a best friend- he was for ten year. I wish we could stay friends. I onced had wished he would be a guest at my wedding. But like I said unrealistic. We were talking like normal, in fact we were planning to go on a road trip for his birthday to Medford. I baked him a german chocolate cake and was going to bring it to him. (As some of you may know, I hate baking.) But then he flat out ghost me. I didn't hear from him until mid September in which he said he was in Mt. Hood with no cell service. For a month?! Apparently, he really hit it off with a girl. That was fine, it was to be expected, we were both single. But I thought he would have the decency to tell me he had other plans. That stung. But things were clearer. A repeated thing he did to all his unwanteds; Brandie, Jillie and then me. He ghost them, as soon as a new body comes a long. You should have seen Jillie's reaction when he told her he was dating me. (little did I know, he was two-timing!)
I thought our friendship would outlive his lust but I was wrong. All that opened up a festering wound, a sight that I wished came sooner. When I broke up with him several months earlier, I stammered. I didn't want to leave him and struggled to see him in a bad light. I truly believed I was leaving behind a good man. But I knew I couldn't be his lover anymore. I saw it, this hideous side of him- A sex-addicted, gluttonous, cowardly side, that I was so numb to for almost a decade. I gave him the space for his newfound relationship. I needed space too to recalibrate from all these new emotions. I realized I wasn't ready to see him in a relationship and ask that he be respectful of me. We agreed to censor each other from certain news and feeds. Well at least I did. And he breached that pretty quickly. I don't think he ever cared. Why would he? I was of no value anymore. I let go of him and along with it, a big tall shadow that covered all of his demons. Behind it was a "good man" facade. In reality he is just like his sleezeball father; who didn't respect women, was scary and violent when angry, and disloyal.
I burnt other bridges but I think I reminisced enough for now. These two people were important to me for most of my life and I thought I could not live without them. But when I lost them, I started realizing that maybe, just maybe, I had some pretty toxic people in my life and maybe I've judged people all wrong. Perhaps I should be a little more choosy with who I let in. It left me with some quiet time and some clarity. With that came more love for myself and an opening for support from the right people.
These days I still have depression and anxiety. I think it will always be stuck with me due to past traumas. But I am not hopeless and I am not afraid. Just lazy for the most part! I'm at a crossroad in my life with my health (more on that!). I need to find a comfy career and make some big purchases (A house! A Car! Traveling!) And I'm starting to learn that some of my methods are working- like moderation, CICO and honoring my boundaries!
For once, I am not hiding and I am not scared.
Partial credit goes to my supportive and magnificent husband, Moses!
Happy Birthday to Sai.
Currently watching lakorn, Buang Banjathorn. Taking a break from chinese drama.