I've been productive again.

[xue_lee]

I have, against my better judgement, begun a writing blog. This is largely because I realised that I had a lot of things that I could and needed to put down in writing. And, well, a friend of mine showed me her poetry blog because she felt that her own experiences could help me get over whatever happened the past couple of months. Besides, I've

Comments

[bismuthbear]

*huggles* maybe he is telling you sorry and going on about how he ruined the friendship because he thinks that's what you want to hear..

[xue_lee]

*shrugs* My friend met him for lunch yesterday and she thinks that we should settle it face-to-face. I'm ready to forgive him, actually. Moving on, I'm not so sure. After all, I'm like the worst judge of whether I'm actually okay. And my friend is telling me that I should go on my holiday first and cool off rather than calling him tonight and talking about it because she thinks there is a massive difference between "I am moving on because I've got no other fucking choice" and "I am moving on because I can truly let go of it". My friends, they are wise.

Of course, the interesting bit is I am going to see him tomorrow anyway.

(Also, if he says I can literally run him over with a car and he won't even flinch, does that mean that laxatives = fair game? Not saying I'm going to do it, of course, but, you know.)

[bismuthbear]

You friends are indeed wise :) And I agree with them, do it at your own pace, you don't have to rush it even if you are going to see him anyway.

Also, I don't really buy into this permission-to-run-him-over-thing, even though I generally believe in the truth of what people say... I don't know, maybe it's my own experience with that friend. I'm a bit more like "Why is his apology to you about him and what he would do or feel anyway?"

[xue_lee]

Oh my goodness, I think you just hit the nail on the head! That is, about why his apology bothered me so much. I'm even re-reading his message now to confirm what you just said. You're absolutely right! It is completely about him. It's "I can't even understood all that misery you went through" and "I can't even forgive myself" and "I made this big mistake in my life". You are so right. Yea, I get it, you feel bad. What about me?

Okay. Another friend of mine just told me that he doesn't really get him because, well, if he's sincere about apologising he should just take the initiative to do so, regardless of the circumstances. That's what I call a man. Pfft. Boys.

[nyw]

Sometimes when I watch HIMYM I am envious of how wonderfully candid all these people can be with each other. And I think it's a good thing to learn. Though it has to be balanced out so it doesn't sound like being overly pushy and demanding, but I think if you're talking it out, you really should just let it all out too. Otherwise you walk away from it dissatisfied, or telling yourself that it was okay when you really needed to know more. Need to know more.

[xue_lee]

I think being honest about how we feel is something people are generally bad with. I'm not sure if it's just Singaporean society in general, or because we're uncomfortable with being that close to people. Or we just like to be nice and tactful.

[bcosihavenolife]

i'll be blunt. frankly speaking he's a jerk so there's no point trying to fish any more closure from him. whether he has feelings for you or not it's a fact that's irrelevant. whatever he does is his own business and even if it's wrong, you dun have a say in it. the fact is your feelings are clearly not getting to him coz he's not you and you guys clearly dun have the same experience in this "relationship". so obviously he cant apologize for that, these things dun even exist as a concept to him.

it is of course natural to still have feelings. after all he was infatuated with you and it's hard to get rid of intense feelings like that. but im not sure if it's love and to be honest i dun think it makes any difference if he still has feelings for you, coz even if he does, it's worthless. you're deserving of a better person clearly. and wanting closure is fine, but it seems like it's keeping you away from moving on, which is what you should do, whether it's forced or natural. in this case, it's not the means but the end that matters.

[xue_lee]

Actually, I don't think you're reading the situation correctly.

The thing is that no matter what, he's still someone in my circle of friends. I cannot force my friends to choose between him or me because that's unfair to them. My friends may side with me, but they're not going to stop talking to him because we don't live in an American high school drama. And the other thing is that wanting closure is not what's keeping me away from moving on. If I can't move on, it's because I still have feelings for him. Which is why I told Hong Ling about how my friend is telling me that I should talk to him only after I can let go of everything.

[bcosihavenolife]

well that's exactly what im saying, these things are beyond your control. but no matter what you still should let go. whether or not he has feelings for you. focus on yourself instead of the feelings you have for him. like your friend said, talk to him only after you let go of everything. and that takes time, but the faster you let go of those feelings, the better. and after you let go you'll realize that you probably dun need closure or apology from him.

Privilege

[yougenia]

He *thinks* he is apologizing, when he's actually asking for your forgiveness. Which are usually related, but they're still different things. The apology part is supposed to be a true acknowledgement of how his actions hurt you, and that he's sorry for it. And perhaps he was a good friend or more-than-friend in the past, but he hurt you, and forgiveness is not just something you say to make him feel better; you have to feel it too. If that's how you feel - cool. But it's okay to tell him straight up what you said in this post: he hurt you, it's good that he apologise, it helped, but it's not a magic wand that makes everything go away, and that you still haven't forgiven him, and them tell him what you want from him. If that's him staying away from you for a while, then that's your prerogative too. You don't have to talk to him about it now

[juniorfatty]

i watched the first half Schindler's List right before falling asleep, and awoke to the imagery of people getting shot in the head and blood spurting out of arteries