I've been productive again.
I have, against my better judgement, begun a writing blog. This is largely because I realised that I had a lot of things that I could and needed to put down in writing. And, well, a friend of mine showed me her poetry blog because she felt that her own experiences could help me get over whatever happened the past couple of months. Besides, I've always felt guilty over the fact that I could be doing something useful and productive instead of staring at Tumblr every five minutes (no, Tumblr, I still love you but you're just too wonderfully distracting). I'm not quite sure how much I'll get to update it given that I may not have enough time to work on writing when semester starts again, but I think it's something that I have to do.
On the topic of Complicated Relationships Manda Should Never Get Into Again, the Boy texted me, presumably after what I think was constant nagging by his girlfriend and the aforementioned friend of mine. He basically apologised for ignoring me because he was too ashamed to approach me. So I sent him a rather long and thoughtfully composed message about how I felt, why I was fucking miserable, how my friends all think I'm crazy and, you know, stuff like that. What I got was a reply which I presume was composed in under half an hour (Facebook messages, helpfully, have timestamps) which was just basically him profusely apologising for what he had done and regretting that he single-handedly destroyed our friendship. I'm not sure if that's the closure I was looking for, because I haven't felt this calm and happy before. There are other factors involved: the holidays, me finally confiding in a friend who is close to both of us, finally watching Schindler's List, et cetera.
The issue is now whether I should call him to really close this entire thing. Because the problem with his apology is that it's not exactly what I wanted to hear. I know he's sorry, but I think at some level I really wanted to hear that at some point in time, he might have had some feelings for me. Greedy, I know, but if I've learnt anything from this entire nonsense is that I've got to start being honest about what I want and how I feel. And, well, because I don't know what else he can tell me. He just keeps saying sorry, like that's going to change anything. Boys.
On the topic of Complicated Relationships Manda Should Never Get Into Again, the Boy texted me, presumably after what I think was constant nagging by his girlfriend and the aforementioned friend of mine. He basically apologised for ignoring me because he was too ashamed to approach me. So I sent him a rather long and thoughtfully composed message about how I felt, why I was fucking miserable, how my friends all think I'm crazy and, you know, stuff like that. What I got was a reply which I presume was composed in under half an hour (Facebook messages, helpfully, have timestamps) which was just basically him profusely apologising for what he had done and regretting that he single-handedly destroyed our friendship. I'm not sure if that's the closure I was looking for, because I haven't felt this calm and happy before. There are other factors involved: the holidays, me finally confiding in a friend who is close to both of us, finally watching Schindler's List, et cetera.
The issue is now whether I should call him to really close this entire thing. Because the problem with his apology is that it's not exactly what I wanted to hear. I know he's sorry, but I think at some level I really wanted to hear that at some point in time, he might have had some feelings for me. Greedy, I know, but if I've learnt anything from this entire nonsense is that I've got to start being honest about what I want and how I feel. And, well, because I don't know what else he can tell me. He just keeps saying sorry, like that's going to change anything. Boys.