I found this...
I found this and I always remember how much I love it everytime I find it...I wrote this over four years ago and I always seem to find it when I need it most and it always brings me back where I belong...so since it is the Christmas season and a time for forgiveness and new beginnings...which I could use in many aspects...here you are...Merry Christmas to all of you and I wish nothing but the best for you all in this new year...
"Life is quite strange i must say. I am not sure that ever in my life i will understand why things happen in life. I always tell myself that things happen for a reason...b/c they do, no doubt in my mind...but it isn't always easy finding that "why". Maybe we aren't always supposed to know the "why", simply accept things and move on. But im one of those analytical math people that has to know "why" and therefore it bugs me when i don't. Life is simply full of surprises. Some good...some not so good. And then there are regrets...which as an old friend once told me, "it is pointless to regret b/c that which you regret has already happened and can't be changed." How true is that? But there is still that guilt...that incurable pang that causes you to look back instead of forward and therefore can cause you to stumble in whatever lies ahead of you in life. But there is one thing in life that you can't regret and can't know why and can't hold back and will conquer all things that inhibit our paths...love. Love is a wonderful thing is it not? I love the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." As much as i love this saying i still struggle with following its directions. I find myself scared of love...wanting to find it but at the same time extremely scared to discover it. The pain of getting hurt is bad but i think the pain of hurting or disappointing is even worse. I guess i worry that when i find a relationship i will screw it up and hurt or disappoint the person im with and therefor it scares me to be in a relationship with someone. But as much as it frightens me and as much as i try to hide from it...love will surprise you...and that is the way i feel it should be. Love is something that hits you all at once and it is almost suffocating but at the same time so wonderful you never want to let it go. I don't think you grow to love someone...i think it is an earth shattering discovery that takes over your body and you are never quite the same again. It is something you never ever forget and something that you feel for the rest of you life, that intensity. The thing is though you can know people and still have this earth shattering discovery even though you've known them for forever and a day. A lot of times you spend so long looking and looking for something you want and you don't see that it is right under your nose...right in front of your face, waiting for you to open your eyes and see it...and accept it. So in these last weeks before i go to college i make a new pledge to myself...i am going to "live, live, live" the way i want to. No more holding back, im going to have fun damnit and that's that. ;-) All through high school i felt as though i was missing out on something. A lot of peeps said high school is one of the best times of your life and i can't honestly say that it was for me. I spent the whole time worrying about the future and studying (which are good things mind you and i wouldn't have changed that by any means...) but perhaps let myself live and experience things more than i did. I don't want to look back on my life and say, "Man, that sucked." I am going to try to live more in today than 5 years from now. I still want to worry about the future some and how my actions now affect my future...i just want to squeeze in some time in the present. I am also going to finally follow my favorite quote on love and jump in head first, with a smile on my face, and the hope that someone will be there to break my fall."
"Life is quite strange i must say. I am not sure that ever in my life i will understand why things happen in life. I always tell myself that things happen for a reason...b/c they do, no doubt in my mind...but it isn't always easy finding that "why". Maybe we aren't always supposed to know the "why", simply accept things and move on. But im one of those analytical math people that has to know "why" and therefore it bugs me when i don't. Life is simply full of surprises. Some good...some not so good. And then there are regrets...which as an old friend once told me, "it is pointless to regret b/c that which you regret has already happened and can't be changed." How true is that? But there is still that guilt...that incurable pang that causes you to look back instead of forward and therefore can cause you to stumble in whatever lies ahead of you in life. But there is one thing in life that you can't regret and can't know why and can't hold back and will conquer all things that inhibit our paths...love. Love is a wonderful thing is it not? I love the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." As much as i love this saying i still struggle with following its directions. I find myself scared of love...wanting to find it but at the same time extremely scared to discover it. The pain of getting hurt is bad but i think the pain of hurting or disappointing is even worse. I guess i worry that when i find a relationship i will screw it up and hurt or disappoint the person im with and therefor it scares me to be in a relationship with someone. But as much as it frightens me and as much as i try to hide from it...love will surprise you...and that is the way i feel it should be. Love is something that hits you all at once and it is almost suffocating but at the same time so wonderful you never want to let it go. I don't think you grow to love someone...i think it is an earth shattering discovery that takes over your body and you are never quite the same again. It is something you never ever forget and something that you feel for the rest of you life, that intensity. The thing is though you can know people and still have this earth shattering discovery even though you've known them for forever and a day. A lot of times you spend so long looking and looking for something you want and you don't see that it is right under your nose...right in front of your face, waiting for you to open your eyes and see it...and accept it. So in these last weeks before i go to college i make a new pledge to myself...i am going to "live, live, live" the way i want to. No more holding back, im going to have fun damnit and that's that. ;-) All through high school i felt as though i was missing out on something. A lot of peeps said high school is one of the best times of your life and i can't honestly say that it was for me. I spent the whole time worrying about the future and studying (which are good things mind you and i wouldn't have changed that by any means...) but perhaps let myself live and experience things more than i did. I don't want to look back on my life and say, "Man, that sucked." I am going to try to live more in today than 5 years from now. I still want to worry about the future some and how my actions now affect my future...i just want to squeeze in some time in the present. I am also going to finally follow my favorite quote on love and jump in head first, with a smile on my face, and the hope that someone will be there to break my fall."