El dia que viene ...
I'm ... nervous for tomorrow, and the next and the next. And ... the next I guess. Nervous because I don't know how it's going to be to do family week, what I'm going to learn. That's a lie. I'm really nervous because it's like I'm no further along to feeling totally comfortable in who I am. I talked to my dad last night for an hour and thirteen minutes - which was amazing - and basically we talked about how blood is thicker than water and how I really can't consider Judy and Les friends in a healthy, normal sense. We could be called friends but I'd better believe that if things go south for Dave and I their loyalties will be with their son. And this is how it should be.
I am no longer okay with him being a huge, huge central part of my life. I desire things that are about me, about me and my family and about who I am. Things that are not completely dependant upon others. Like school. And my work. And going to the gym, and having my routine. I don't want to compromise it.
And ... my faith. As strange as that might sound, as hard as it is to admit to anyone who knows me before, from home ... my faith. Yesterday I went to church after struggling with whether or not I should go ... and it was seriously the most moved I've been in a while. It was amazing and I'm so hungry for it, so hungry for more, because at least with your faith then no one on this earth can take it away from you or break your heart with it. And who cares if it's not real? Who really cares? Everything we do in our lives is in a way a distraction. We distract ourselves with friendships, with school, with work, with hobbies and sports and television and sudoku. So what's the harm with the bible as a distraction, with prayer and meditation and fellowship as a distraction?
I have no answers. But I have questions. And distractions.
There are three people speaking spanish and laughing together in my lobby. I miss the language sometimes. It's beautiful.
I am no longer okay with him being a huge, huge central part of my life. I desire things that are about me, about me and my family and about who I am. Things that are not completely dependant upon others. Like school. And my work. And going to the gym, and having my routine. I don't want to compromise it.
And ... my faith. As strange as that might sound, as hard as it is to admit to anyone who knows me before, from home ... my faith. Yesterday I went to church after struggling with whether or not I should go ... and it was seriously the most moved I've been in a while. It was amazing and I'm so hungry for it, so hungry for more, because at least with your faith then no one on this earth can take it away from you or break your heart with it. And who cares if it's not real? Who really cares? Everything we do in our lives is in a way a distraction. We distract ourselves with friendships, with school, with work, with hobbies and sports and television and sudoku. So what's the harm with the bible as a distraction, with prayer and meditation and fellowship as a distraction?
I have no answers. But I have questions. And distractions.
There are three people speaking spanish and laughing together in my lobby. I miss the language sometimes. It's beautiful.