(no subject)
I freely admit that what I did was wrong. I keep trying to justify my actions as being caused by my feeling of inadequacy and being under appreciated. But then I remember that someone once told me that no one can make you feel anything. It's my actions and my guilt that are eating me alive. Its my subconscious and my inner voice that's judging me. Because I know what I did was wrong.
I spent the entire afternoon keeping myself in check from talking to him. Every time I picked up the phone, I put it down because I know that the space is necessary. I want to say that I'm done and that I'm moving on, but I have still experienced a loss and I have to allow myself to feel it. The hardest thing to do is to accept defeat. I feel like I failed again by putting myself in the same position as last time.
The only common denominator in my failed relationships is me. I manage to find the ones that are projects. I try to make them better. I say it's so that they can achieve greatness, but I'm beginning to understand that I pick and choose selfishly, trying to find those who I deem "need me." That's not fair. I allow them to fall in love with the facade of a person who is not entirely me, then I break them down, build them up by investing my time, money, and energy, just to allow them to walk on me because of my own guilt of using them to feel better about myself. I was thinking about it last night; every single relationship has gone the same way. It's just gotten more and more expensive every time.
I'm quite hard on myself. I always have been, but even now I feel like everything I feel is justified. I feel like I'm the world's biggest piece of crap. I think it's time to work on myself and really get to know and understand my own wants and needs. I may not like what I see deep down, but I need to learn to accept it for what it is. Only in acceptance can you improve. I need a twelve step program for my life.
I spent the entire afternoon keeping myself in check from talking to him. Every time I picked up the phone, I put it down because I know that the space is necessary. I want to say that I'm done and that I'm moving on, but I have still experienced a loss and I have to allow myself to feel it. The hardest thing to do is to accept defeat. I feel like I failed again by putting myself in the same position as last time.
The only common denominator in my failed relationships is me. I manage to find the ones that are projects. I try to make them better. I say it's so that they can achieve greatness, but I'm beginning to understand that I pick and choose selfishly, trying to find those who I deem "need me." That's not fair. I allow them to fall in love with the facade of a person who is not entirely me, then I break them down, build them up by investing my time, money, and energy, just to allow them to walk on me because of my own guilt of using them to feel better about myself. I was thinking about it last night; every single relationship has gone the same way. It's just gotten more and more expensive every time.
I'm quite hard on myself. I always have been, but even now I feel like everything I feel is justified. I feel like I'm the world's biggest piece of crap. I think it's time to work on myself and really get to know and understand my own wants and needs. I may not like what I see deep down, but I need to learn to accept it for what it is. Only in acceptance can you improve. I need a twelve step program for my life.