(no subject)
I did a terrible thing. I had no reasons to do what I did, but I did it anyway. I went against everything I know of myself and I lied. Knowing full well that every decision I make has a consequence didn't stop me. I hurt the only person who has loved me unconditionally. I tried justifying my actions but there's nothing more to say about it. What I did was wrong, no matter how I felt.
On one hand all I want to do is apologize and work through it, but there's a part of me that feels like I gave up already. He gave me a millions reason to let him go and yet here I am trying to give him more time. And what did I do? I became the person I never wanted to be. I lied to others for what? Sympathy? I'm pathetic. I know I'm better than this, but I sure as hell don't feel like it.
The conversations he read were enough to hang me. What he doesn't know is that I did not mean anything sexual, whether I was flirting or not. He called me a compound slut. A cock tease. A piece of shit. And he has every right to feel that way.
I wanted to put the blame on him. I really truly did, but I know better than that. This is my fault. It stems from my dishonesty. I wonder if deep down I was trying to hurt him as much as I've felt hurt for months. I want to say I'm a better person than that but I don;t even know who I am anymore. I'm not better than the piece of shit teenager I used to be. Today I am who I used to be. Turns out that people never change.
For a brief moment today I contemplated suicide. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm guilty. I'm alone out here. My loneliness led me to seek refuge in people who I barely know. And for one moment I felt better. Even if my experience was non-sexual, it was still intimate, and in that moment, I was cheating. I am a lying cheating whore. I admit that. I am useless and I am nothing but a pretty face and sadness.
I wanted to tell him that he should walk away. I wanted to tell him that I should have ended it months ago. I should have stood my ground and given up last year. But here I am again, caving to the needs of someone who cannot fulfill my own, just out of good faith to say I've done all I can.
But I'm angry for the sheer fact that he has forbidden me to take a position out here again. I love this job. I can relax out here. This is where I want to be. I'm not going to stop my career for him. Which means I lied to him again today. I refuse to be told what to do and that's what he's doing. Like he has any say in what I choose to do. I guess I'll sacrifice him even though it weighs heavily on me.
It makes me wonder if I do love him. You don't hurt those you love. So maybe I never loved him to begin with.
Is it wrong to continue on with a career like this? Something with so much risk? Will I regret leaving? Will I resent him? I can't even breathe at this point.
On one hand all I want to do is apologize and work through it, but there's a part of me that feels like I gave up already. He gave me a millions reason to let him go and yet here I am trying to give him more time. And what did I do? I became the person I never wanted to be. I lied to others for what? Sympathy? I'm pathetic. I know I'm better than this, but I sure as hell don't feel like it.
The conversations he read were enough to hang me. What he doesn't know is that I did not mean anything sexual, whether I was flirting or not. He called me a compound slut. A cock tease. A piece of shit. And he has every right to feel that way.
I wanted to put the blame on him. I really truly did, but I know better than that. This is my fault. It stems from my dishonesty. I wonder if deep down I was trying to hurt him as much as I've felt hurt for months. I want to say I'm a better person than that but I don;t even know who I am anymore. I'm not better than the piece of shit teenager I used to be. Today I am who I used to be. Turns out that people never change.
For a brief moment today I contemplated suicide. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm guilty. I'm alone out here. My loneliness led me to seek refuge in people who I barely know. And for one moment I felt better. Even if my experience was non-sexual, it was still intimate, and in that moment, I was cheating. I am a lying cheating whore. I admit that. I am useless and I am nothing but a pretty face and sadness.
I wanted to tell him that he should walk away. I wanted to tell him that I should have ended it months ago. I should have stood my ground and given up last year. But here I am again, caving to the needs of someone who cannot fulfill my own, just out of good faith to say I've done all I can.
But I'm angry for the sheer fact that he has forbidden me to take a position out here again. I love this job. I can relax out here. This is where I want to be. I'm not going to stop my career for him. Which means I lied to him again today. I refuse to be told what to do and that's what he's doing. Like he has any say in what I choose to do. I guess I'll sacrifice him even though it weighs heavily on me.
It makes me wonder if I do love him. You don't hurt those you love. So maybe I never loved him to begin with.
Is it wrong to continue on with a career like this? Something with so much risk? Will I regret leaving? Will I resent him? I can't even breathe at this point.