A Delicate Fade Inspiration
So, I've been reading this book called A Delicate Fade by Ben DeVries. It's wonderful. I want to share some things of interest with you. First, this poem he wrote is one of the most beautiful things my mind has ever devoured.
D E L I C A T E F A D E
by benjamin deVries
There is a picture in the window, a faded image
in the half-glow
and I can see through this night line to the
world outside
but first this quiet falling on my mind, and a
display of empty things
I think I have forgotten how to dream
and hope, maybe I remember what that means.
there is a story in the white book, a vague
memory in my notebook
and I can see through the dead lines to the
tears inside
but first this silence pounding on my eyes, and
a cascade of simple things
I think I have forgotten what that means
(maybe I remembered how to dream).
a lifetime and I saw you, I can see you change
I remember everything (except what I am now)
I remember how I spent all this time looking
a lifetime watching, but I lost myself
somewhere
I found myself between what is and what was
meant to be
I find that so true more often than not. We are so disappointed to be short of perfect, and so disgusted with our mistakes and shortcomings that we're entirely too critical of ourselves. We strive to be something greater, sin relentlessly, repent, give up, come crawling back, etcetera, etcetera. Somewhere in the middle is an a good balance of maturity, devotion, faith, remorse (not guilt). I haven't reached that point yet. I yearn for it, though. I know that I can't hate myself, but I also cannot believe that I am incapable of any good on my own. Between what is and what was meant to be can be defined as so many things; ie: between pride and an accurate self-estimate. I know what I can be, but I don't often believe it. That's the truth of our frail human hearts. That's where faith comes into play.
This next passage provoked much thought, and I'm not sure that I agree entirely, or that I even really know what he's even saying.
Philosophy is uncomplicated and safe. It's so much easier to write when emotion is buried under layers of pretense or something abstract because it's too subjective and vague to be part of the bigger picture, let alone seen as valid.
He was speaking of fighting sadness in writing. I've traveled that road. More anger than sorrow, however. I was convinced that I was happy because I had an outlet for my anger. I had balance. Since I went through counseling, however, that viewpoint has drastically changed. I very, very rarely write poetry anymore. The fuel is gone. Now that I don't harbor so much anger, there's no passion to write for. I've written a good Jesus poem or two, a poem for my fiance once or twice, but the whole purpose for prose has vanished with the healing counseling brings. We can lie to ourselves so well we start to believe ourselves. We bury our true hearts under layers of pretense, under our claim that we are simply artsy souls out to share our unfortunate circumstances for the benefit of others who are suffering/have suffered similarly. What a crock. (Not saying that's never the case.)
All of life is beautiful, whatever it is made of, because somewhere in this awful mess some things half but perfect can be found. And beauty found me when the only hope I had was in decay.
That last part really hits me hard. It's so easy to forget what God delivered us from. To really consider that before God found us, our only hope was in decay ... what a most unfortunate standing. And the whole all of life is beautiful, amen. I love to just sit and breathe it in. It's such a wonderful gift we have, life.
Either we climb into the abyss willingly with our eyes open, or we risk falling into it with our eyes closed.
-Buechner
A lot of things in this book stopped me dead in my tracks. (Maybe that's why I've been reading it for months when I read every day, sometimes an entire book in one day.) I've really poured so much thought and prayer, etcetera into this book. It's genius.
I mean, really, we're all wandering in the dark. We all live in the same world. We fear the unknown and chance and risk, but we will all encounter it in spite of all attempts we make to avoid it. Being Christian doesn't rescue us from life, it challenges it to a duel. Maybe that's why we fall flat on our faces with big ouches so often, we're falling with our eyes closed rather than facing it wide-eyed and grinning.
This brought tears to my eyes.
He [God] must have wanted a relationship with us very much to allow a situation that would hurt not only us but also himself.
I know we've all known someone who's struggled with the whole idea that God created a sinful race knowing there would be great suffering in Hell, perhaps struggled with it ourselves. It seems like a trap, a trick to make us love God because if we don't we'll burn in hell. I've had my own doubts, not this, but a good-sized list nonetheless. I know that when I parent, it won't be because I know they have to love me or they'll live on the street. I will procreate even knowing that they will rebel and give me gray hair, simply because the person that I am desires to have children, to share love with someone, to share life. Maybe once I do, I'll understand God a little better.
Maturity has to be a holistic maturity, not just limited to my spiritual persuasions.
What more can I say, apart from "amen"?
Maybe God created us because His own awareness of beauty and truth was so overwhelming that He couldn't keep it to himself any longer, like an artist who bubbles over with desire to communicate to someone else. But God isn't limited to smaller forms like we are.
If He desired at all to create it must be so intensely beautiful as to surpass human imagination. They say that everything was made for His glory, and this has often been presented as a sterile or an unsympathetic thing. But when you have found beauty or created it, you desire to share it with someone else, and maybe He created us to be admirers of this intricacy as well.
And the beauty would somehow be only a token of knowing Him.
It would be wonderful to believe that God is an artist and he created the world to share truth and beauty and ... art. But, as much of an insight this tidbit gives me into God's character, I think it's bigger than that.
I mean, I'd never thought of this before. The idea that He was overwhelmed by such beauty, I don't doubt it. I bubble over and want to share everything I find wonderful. But, upon further thought, I realized that we were all created from God's character. Even the people that hate art. (Weird people!) So, it would be truly wrong of me to think that God created the world to share the beauty of what was created with someone who has no desire to creatively create. I think that art is definitely a passion of God's, as is evident in the world and all its color and natural beauty and the skies and so on, etcetera. But, God is not simply an artist. God's too big to be just an artist. There have to be a million and one reasons He created this place. I mean, our whole brain probably couldn't comprehend it, much less the measley 10% we're using now. I know I won't know the tiniest fraction of reason why He created it. I won't really know until I'm dead, and by then it won't matter anyway.
They say we owe God our love because of what He's done for us. But it seems to me that love goes both ways, and it doesn't work if one side decides not to participate one day. If I did love someone for what they did for me when I first knew them and not for who they are, I'm just holding onto a ghost.
wow
I mean, isn't the crucifixion the primary basis of Christian witnessing? I never really thought about what we were asking people to do. We don't go pay someone's rent because we know they need it and then tell them to alter their entire lives based on what we did for them. I know that's a bit of a stretch, but it's an analogy nonetheless, it serves its purpose. Maybe we're going at this all wrong, eh?
I, for one, am fascinated by love and can hardly shut up about it. But, I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well.
We can't honestly expect someone to love God without knowing about God. If a person doesn't know God's love and commandments and teachings, doesn't know God in general, then what does it really mean to love Him? To simply love Him for what He did is an obligation, and what benefit is there in that for either party? Holding onto a ghost indeed. Genius, I say.
We are not altering the real to suit hte ideal. We are altering the ideal: it is easier.
-Chesterton
Thought-provoking. I have no words.
Paul said we are never free from the conflict between what we want and what we know is good. We're always somewhere in the middle.
And this is what it means to be human, even a new creation.
I know that conflict well. To say that this is what it means to be human, though. There is truth in that. And motivation. In knowing that as a human, this conflict is inevitable, and to accept it, I make room for what needs to be done, to face the conflict rather than mope about the fact I'm even in it and that I should be stronger than this by now. We're never stronger, we're simply overcomers. Only by God's grace.
And, last but not least...
We spend most of our lvies hiding from ourselves and hiding from God and anyone else who could take anything from us, because we have nothing to give.
Why do we really run from God? Lie about things that don't matter, lie to ourselves ...
The notion it was lack of anything to give never but crossed my mind. This comes as no surprise to me. If there's no thought of it, there's no conviction of it, and that's always fine with our red, horned friend below.
I never thought that the fear of pain and hurt and betrayal and being robbed of what dignity or joy I had might be the very result of the lack of having anything to offer. I definitely sense much truth in that statement, especially looking back at the times I ran from God.
It was in the times when I lost my purity and my passion and my discipline that I hid from God, that I never knelt to pray because it became more and more uncomfortable. I was blind to this at the time, and for sometime there after at that, but things like this clarify in time.
It's amazing what revelation comes through the simple words of others. No wonder Jesus told us never to forsake the fellowship of believers.