The Truth about the Strong Ones
The truth about strong people is that they are inevitably weak in all situations, and in that weakness, have learned how to totally surrender everything wholly to God.
I'm a strong one. I get a million and one phone calls a day from people who know that when they want to be encouraged, they call Leanna. When you want someone to tell you they only way you're going to fix your problems is to shut up and let God do the talking, to get in His Word and get out of the way, you call Leanna.
I have faith. I screw up, but I always turn back to God. That's something Dylan told me about myself in our hours of phone conversations in the past couple weeks. It's one of the reasons he's drawn to me. Teushamba tells me today that it's my honesty, among other things, that draws him to me. It's the qualities I possess only because God lives in me. It's the things that so aren't me, that are just God shining through.
I'm highly respected. I'm not really sure why. I'm just average. I've been through a lot, and I guess my experiences really minister to others, but I'm just like everyone else. There are days I don't want to read my Bible. I sin. I'm utterly retarded sometimes. I think it happens to the best and the worst of us. But, for some reason, people really admire my faith.
I tried to figure out why. I want to know what it is that people see in me, what my strengths are, so that I can maintain that. It's good to know your strengths as well as your weaknesses, both require work.
My molestation and rape and parents' divorce and instability and depression (etc.) experiences have opened so many doors for ministry opportunities, and I have always been able to see those situations as a blessing in the end. I know that I may help someone else avoid suffering the same fate as I. I may be able to help someone find their way back to God after experiencing such experiences. And I have done all this.
But, the underlying fact is that just because I have peace with these things... doesn't mean the didn't hurt like hell when they happened. It doesn't mean there weren't moments in my life when I wished my breathing would just cease. It doesn't mean I didn't want to castrate boys who don't understand what "no" means. It doesn't mean I didn't hate myself when I lost my virginity at 16 years old, and my second at 18, and my third, and my fourth... It doesn't mean I don't feel like a failure at life sometimes. It doesn't mean why sometimes I can't even fathom why God still loves me, why He still takes me back when I come crawling back to Him, weeping at the foot of His throne after cheating on Him with all my fleshly desires. It doesn't mean I don't struggle with regret and guilt. It doesn't mean I don't feel like a thief for robbing other people of their innocence because I didn't feel pure anymore. It doesn't mean that I never struggled to forgive myself for all the times I've screwed up my life. It doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm unmarryable, intolerable, unstandable, and unworthy. It doesn't mean anything at all.
It's simply taught me.
It's taught me that at those times when I wonder how anyone could love me, I remember why God loves me. He understands that I'm imperfect, and that I will fail at times, but that when I come to Him and my heart is broken because I know that I have grieved Him, He loves me as we would(/do) our children, and only wants to bring us peace and heal us and bring us closer to Him. It's taught me that a Father's love mends everything. It makes my blemishes go away. It makes me pure again, holy again, righteous again. It's taught me that nothing that I can do could make Him love me less, could make Him hesitate for a second to take me on again. It's taught me that when you've hit rock bottom, God only wants to fix things for you, if only you'll let Him. It's taught me that nothing's too small or great to bring to God, that He created us with all the characteristics we possess. He instilled in us the passions that make us care for the things we care for, so how we could possibly see any of our concerns as too stupid or insignificant is beyond me at this point... so simple, and yet few grasp the concept. It's taught me that none of my mistakes are any worse than any others, that all sin pushes us far from God, that each of us needs God's grace as much as the next. It's taught me there's no such thing as a "good Christian." It's taught me that anger and unforgiveness and guilt and regret and discouragement and fear, whether felt towards ourselves or others, are all equally destructive to our spiritual health. It's taught me that I can't save the world, I can only get out of the way and let God use me to reach others, let Him broaden my horizons to do His work. It's taught me that I can't give back what I've taken from otheres, but I can show them the way to their knees so they can talk to the One who can give it back.
So yeah, I'm a strong one. I'm strong because I am so weak and broken that I know the only answer for me is to get out of the way and let Jesus live in me and through me. I'm strong because I don't care about what the world thinks of me or about me. I want to be an example to them, but their opinion of me is not going to cause me to conform, not even a little bit to try to get close enough to them to try to witness to them. I'm strong because when I screw up, it tears me up inside knowing that I've hurt someone who can only feel undying love for me. I'm strong because when I do something stupid, I feel stupid, and I fall on my face before God and ask Him to fix me again, and understand that my prayers require action.
I'm a strong one alright, because I am inevitably weak in all situations, and in that weakness, have learned how to totally surrender everything wholly to God.