Restless
I can't believe how much I used to write in this thing. I have no desire now. I don't know why.
Its almost 4 am. Going to work super early now, got martial arts in the evenings, and I want to actually go. I'm a night person though, so hard to wake up in the mornings. I'm having one of those reflecting moments, thinking about the past, listening to music that reminds me of past times. Its so strange now, I used to look back and feel connected with the things I'd done and, most of all, the mistakes I made. Like reliving those things. Its not like that anymore for some reason. I look back and its a mild curiosity at most. Almost as if those things happened to someone else. Who was I then? Who am I now? I can't seem to make myself worry about any of it. I spent so much time looking within, maybe I was afraid to look without.
I used to be such a forgiving person. Water under the bridge type of shit. No more. I think that was just a form of denial. Like sure I forgive you, lets just pretend it didn't happen. Its taken a lot of work and effort to get where I am now, yet I'm still walking a tightrope. I can't afford to get lazy or to get too cocky.
I have someone dear to me now, someone who will be affected if I am not good to myself. Its strange, that responsibility. I used to think love could cure anything, and that love was self suficient. I see now that love is only a good thing if a number of conditions are met. There are many things that have to be with it, otherwise its a waste of time.
I still think about you occasionally shivani. Mostly I think of how stupid I was to think I saw so much in you, and how glad I am that your own fuckedup-ness saved me from you. I wonder still if your trailor park romance has finally blown up in your face too much for you to deny it. I'd like to see that, a desire akin to the curiosity of watching circus freaks. The thoughts are fleeting apparently, because they don't seem to last through the effort of writing them out.
I still remember "I love you so much. Why couldnt I have found you before? Where have you been all my life? You're the one. blah blah fucking blah"
Then a few days (hours?) later "why would you think I have any interest in you? i've never done anything to make you think that. you're fucked up"
Makes me laugh now.
I'm a monsta mack
No mo woodstock now ya got mix-a-lot
Its almost 4 am. Going to work super early now, got martial arts in the evenings, and I want to actually go. I'm a night person though, so hard to wake up in the mornings. I'm having one of those reflecting moments, thinking about the past, listening to music that reminds me of past times. Its so strange now, I used to look back and feel connected with the things I'd done and, most of all, the mistakes I made. Like reliving those things. Its not like that anymore for some reason. I look back and its a mild curiosity at most. Almost as if those things happened to someone else. Who was I then? Who am I now? I can't seem to make myself worry about any of it. I spent so much time looking within, maybe I was afraid to look without.
I used to be such a forgiving person. Water under the bridge type of shit. No more. I think that was just a form of denial. Like sure I forgive you, lets just pretend it didn't happen. Its taken a lot of work and effort to get where I am now, yet I'm still walking a tightrope. I can't afford to get lazy or to get too cocky.
I have someone dear to me now, someone who will be affected if I am not good to myself. Its strange, that responsibility. I used to think love could cure anything, and that love was self suficient. I see now that love is only a good thing if a number of conditions are met. There are many things that have to be with it, otherwise its a waste of time.
I still think about you occasionally shivani. Mostly I think of how stupid I was to think I saw so much in you, and how glad I am that your own fuckedup-ness saved me from you. I wonder still if your trailor park romance has finally blown up in your face too much for you to deny it. I'd like to see that, a desire akin to the curiosity of watching circus freaks. The thoughts are fleeting apparently, because they don't seem to last through the effort of writing them out.
I still remember "I love you so much. Why couldnt I have found you before? Where have you been all my life? You're the one. blah blah fucking blah"
Then a few days (hours?) later "why would you think I have any interest in you? i've never done anything to make you think that. you're fucked up"
Makes me laugh now.
I'm a monsta mack
No mo woodstock now ya got mix-a-lot