cocktail.
so i dont ever write in this shit. i think i'll just start writing about more random stuff and less about bob barker. you can only make so many The Price Is Right jokes before you run out of material. but oooooh do i have a story for you now. i watched TPIR today with eva (i have been lately because the Ice Age struck NC so the whole state shut down.) so yea, this REALLY annoying, FAAAT girl made it to contestant's row at the very beginning. and she was all freaking out and jiggling with all her other fat friends. so shes down there, and the first time she bids... she says whatever then SQUELS and tries to be like HEY BOB!!! i am thinking "omg, please kill me NOW." well turns out that every time she makes a retarded bid, she has to SQUEEEL afterwards like the PIG she is. if i had a gun and i was on the show... i would shoot her and make bacon. and her dumbass never even made it on stage. she sat down there for SIX bids... and lost every one. what a tard.
onto the random funny shit that happens in my life. first and foremost, don't ever walk in the woods, late at night, on your cell phone. i learned this the hard way... i'm all stumbling around making loud leaf sounds... and somehow i make my way into a briar patch. GO RYAN! totally got stuck in that for 5 minutes, and i even have the scratch on my nose to prove it.
(the pic is from a WEEK later so you can imagine how wicked it was the first day.) so once i escaped that briar patch, i stumbled along the woods, still on my cell phone... into ANOTHER briar patch. whhhhy. and then i got lost and walked through a bunch of random peoples yards. the end. ha.
today i noticed my fingernails we're dirty and i was playing with a lighter so i tried to burn the dirt off. it kinda worked, but it hurt and smelled funny. and it left this brown residue where i had burned that like underlayer nail. does everyone else have that? i love that little underlayer, its like a second nail thats waiting in the wings to come out and kick ass. sometimes it gets longer than the real nail... and i am like "look at you little guy, you little overachiever." then i flick it a little bit, and chew it off. but that usually hurts... REVENGE!
i made wine. i am jesus. hallelujah. my memaw makes me these HUGE jugs of juice... like all these combined juices... into a cocktail. but i am not exactly sure thats a cocktail, because to tell you the truth i dont really know what a cocktail is. its always baffled me. is it an alcoholic drink? fruit cocktail. cocktail waitress? cocktail party? its all so confusing. but hey that word is fun to say. cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail. they should make that the new slang for gay sex. cocktail. or anal sex for that matter. COCKTAIL. okay back to me being jesus. so i left that memaw juice in the fridge for god knows how long. months i'm sure. there was just a couple of cups left. then thomas brought the jug to my office (some would call it a closet... fuck them) and i am like "WHOA... thats been in there a while." and when i open it... its like SHHHHHHHH. i was like "HOLY SHIT I BET THIS FERMENTED!" so when i smelled it... i was like... IT SMELLS LIKE WINE!? haha... and i went to take a sip and before you drink wine theres like this little feeling you get from the smell right before it hits your lips, and i totally felt that. it was crazy. and it kinda tasted like wine. wow. i am jesus. i don't know if that counts as selling out... i dont think so, but i MADE the shit! and i'm jesus. i put the 'X' in saxapahaw. (hahahah, thats not funny to anyone. saxapahaw is the little town where my memaw lives. get it? i put the X in saxapahaw? yea i'll shut up now.)
the motherland is so bros. yea we're having a BASH this weekend. i assure you it will be life changing. i might even drink some of my homemade wine. but yea. i don't really have to go anywhere. i can just sit around with the motherlanders. the new thing for a while was shooting BB guns. theres SO much beer bottle glass out on the back porch, its retarded. and we shoot at our neighbors too. sometimes their cars. sometimes their houses. sometimes their asses. nothing is more fun than that. its like the motherland vs. the world. but yea we kinda put a damper on the whole bb gun thing when beri "the genuis" shot out the sliding glass door (pics of that here) and thomas shot a hole in the peanut oil and it seaped onto the pantry floor for weeks. now we just sit around naked a lot. nothing better that that. a day just isn't a day if you don't see thomas naked. and we watch awesome movies like pretty woman, and we cry together.
who can blame me for not leaving much? i was thinkin about it... and i've turned into one of those old scene kids you never see. like i don't hang out with anyone really, and i rarely go to shows. you just see me on occasion. very mysterious. and i think i have unlimited scene points. like... i can't get anymore. i can only bestow them to other people. it doesn't really matter anyways... cause i'm jesus. the end.
PS: COCKTAIL COCKTAIL COCKTAIL COCKTAIL.
PPS: i probaly offended some people with this post. i took stabs at fat people, christians, and i guess maybe gay people? awesome. and our neighbors that we shoot at are black. didn't want to NOT offend them. they would probably be offended by not being offended. like i was taking extra steps to NOT offend them. hello people... AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! if i am offending everyone else... i HAVE to offend black people as well. those crazy africans!
onto the random funny shit that happens in my life. first and foremost, don't ever walk in the woods, late at night, on your cell phone. i learned this the hard way... i'm all stumbling around making loud leaf sounds... and somehow i make my way into a briar patch. GO RYAN! totally got stuck in that for 5 minutes, and i even have the scratch on my nose to prove it.
(the pic is from a WEEK later so you can imagine how wicked it was the first day.) so once i escaped that briar patch, i stumbled along the woods, still on my cell phone... into ANOTHER briar patch. whhhhy. and then i got lost and walked through a bunch of random peoples yards. the end. ha.
today i noticed my fingernails we're dirty and i was playing with a lighter so i tried to burn the dirt off. it kinda worked, but it hurt and smelled funny. and it left this brown residue where i had burned that like underlayer nail. does everyone else have that? i love that little underlayer, its like a second nail thats waiting in the wings to come out and kick ass. sometimes it gets longer than the real nail... and i am like "look at you little guy, you little overachiever." then i flick it a little bit, and chew it off. but that usually hurts... REVENGE!
i made wine. i am jesus. hallelujah. my memaw makes me these HUGE jugs of juice... like all these combined juices... into a cocktail. but i am not exactly sure thats a cocktail, because to tell you the truth i dont really know what a cocktail is. its always baffled me. is it an alcoholic drink? fruit cocktail. cocktail waitress? cocktail party? its all so confusing. but hey that word is fun to say. cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail cocktail. they should make that the new slang for gay sex. cocktail. or anal sex for that matter. COCKTAIL. okay back to me being jesus. so i left that memaw juice in the fridge for god knows how long. months i'm sure. there was just a couple of cups left. then thomas brought the jug to my office (some would call it a closet... fuck them) and i am like "WHOA... thats been in there a while." and when i open it... its like SHHHHHHHH. i was like "HOLY SHIT I BET THIS FERMENTED!" so when i smelled it... i was like... IT SMELLS LIKE WINE!? haha... and i went to take a sip and before you drink wine theres like this little feeling you get from the smell right before it hits your lips, and i totally felt that. it was crazy. and it kinda tasted like wine. wow. i am jesus. i don't know if that counts as selling out... i dont think so, but i MADE the shit! and i'm jesus. i put the 'X' in saxapahaw. (hahahah, thats not funny to anyone. saxapahaw is the little town where my memaw lives. get it? i put the X in saxapahaw? yea i'll shut up now.)
the motherland is so bros. yea we're having a BASH this weekend. i assure you it will be life changing. i might even drink some of my homemade wine. but yea. i don't really have to go anywhere. i can just sit around with the motherlanders. the new thing for a while was shooting BB guns. theres SO much beer bottle glass out on the back porch, its retarded. and we shoot at our neighbors too. sometimes their cars. sometimes their houses. sometimes their asses. nothing is more fun than that. its like the motherland vs. the world. but yea we kinda put a damper on the whole bb gun thing when beri "the genuis" shot out the sliding glass door (pics of that here) and thomas shot a hole in the peanut oil and it seaped onto the pantry floor for weeks. now we just sit around naked a lot. nothing better that that. a day just isn't a day if you don't see thomas naked. and we watch awesome movies like pretty woman, and we cry together.
who can blame me for not leaving much? i was thinkin about it... and i've turned into one of those old scene kids you never see. like i don't hang out with anyone really, and i rarely go to shows. you just see me on occasion. very mysterious. and i think i have unlimited scene points. like... i can't get anymore. i can only bestow them to other people. it doesn't really matter anyways... cause i'm jesus. the end.
PS: COCKTAIL COCKTAIL COCKTAIL COCKTAIL.
PPS: i probaly offended some people with this post. i took stabs at fat people, christians, and i guess maybe gay people? awesome. and our neighbors that we shoot at are black. didn't want to NOT offend them. they would probably be offended by not being offended. like i was taking extra steps to NOT offend them. hello people... AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! if i am offending everyone else... i HAVE to offend black people as well. those crazy africans!