Why?
Why is life so confusing for me lately? I've begun questioning who I am, what I want, basically everything about my life, since last Sunday. It sucks to realize that there is no going back, but only forward. I've realized a lot of things since last Sunday when my best friend, through good and bad, took her vows. I was part of the ceremony, which was an honor, yet for some reason, it almost felt like a slap in the face. I mean, I'm happy for her, I wish the best to the both of them, but part of me thinks that she could have been just as happy, if not happier, if I hadn't been so stupid back in November. I hate the fact that I treated her like shit and stuff. I guess that me treating her like shit lead her to the person she was meant to be with forever, which is fantastic.
I am really starting to analyze myself, my interests, my sexuality, my goals in life, basically everything about who I am and who I claim to be. It's frightening, when you think you know who you are and what you want, and to have your life thrown so off track that it starts to fuck with your head, it's really starting to become something that I had run away from in the past years of my life. I lived this struggle everyday of my life, through the beginning of my sophomore year, when I thought I had finally figured the puzzle of my life out and realized that piece of my life that was missing. I'll be 21 in approximately 2 months and 8 days time, but really what have I done with my life so far besides graduate high school, accumulate a large amount of debt and get dismissed from a college that I believed strongly was meant to be the place I'd graduate from? I'm alone, afraid, and pretty much push everyone and everything away from me. I work as much as people will schedule me to work, so I have no time for a social life, if my friends are even available to hang out with me when I'm not working. I feel that I'm rewinding my life back to the way I used to be, miserable, depressed and not happy with myself...
Where did the once happy go lucky, confident Jamie go? Why is this self pitying, self hating, self loathing cripple of a person coming back now, when I should be the strongest I've been in a while? I guess part of it is that I'm lonely, have hardly any friends here in MA and sort of feel forgotten, abandoned and that no one around here understands who I really am. I had a connection with most people in Vermont that I don't have here, and to be perfectly honest, I miss that part of my life the most. I was happy there, I was somebody, I had friends and a social life outside of class and work. I just partly wish I could go back, rewind and switch majors at the beginning of last semester so I was still there. My wingman said that when she left school, it was very difficult for her to live at home, it took her a few years to go back to school, etc. I don't want that to be me, but the difficult to live at home is definitely me. I plan on going back to school in either the summer or the fall, and hopefully will pay off/pay back UVM for the bill that I currently still owe. I just wish I had more people around me in my life at home in MA that actually understood me, that could sympathize with the way I'm feeling and help me through another difficult time.
Is that too much to ask?
I am really starting to analyze myself, my interests, my sexuality, my goals in life, basically everything about who I am and who I claim to be. It's frightening, when you think you know who you are and what you want, and to have your life thrown so off track that it starts to fuck with your head, it's really starting to become something that I had run away from in the past years of my life. I lived this struggle everyday of my life, through the beginning of my sophomore year, when I thought I had finally figured the puzzle of my life out and realized that piece of my life that was missing. I'll be 21 in approximately 2 months and 8 days time, but really what have I done with my life so far besides graduate high school, accumulate a large amount of debt and get dismissed from a college that I believed strongly was meant to be the place I'd graduate from? I'm alone, afraid, and pretty much push everyone and everything away from me. I work as much as people will schedule me to work, so I have no time for a social life, if my friends are even available to hang out with me when I'm not working. I feel that I'm rewinding my life back to the way I used to be, miserable, depressed and not happy with myself...
Where did the once happy go lucky, confident Jamie go? Why is this self pitying, self hating, self loathing cripple of a person coming back now, when I should be the strongest I've been in a while? I guess part of it is that I'm lonely, have hardly any friends here in MA and sort of feel forgotten, abandoned and that no one around here understands who I really am. I had a connection with most people in Vermont that I don't have here, and to be perfectly honest, I miss that part of my life the most. I was happy there, I was somebody, I had friends and a social life outside of class and work. I just partly wish I could go back, rewind and switch majors at the beginning of last semester so I was still there. My wingman said that when she left school, it was very difficult for her to live at home, it took her a few years to go back to school, etc. I don't want that to be me, but the difficult to live at home is definitely me. I plan on going back to school in either the summer or the fall, and hopefully will pay off/pay back UVM for the bill that I currently still owe. I just wish I had more people around me in my life at home in MA that actually understood me, that could sympathize with the way I'm feeling and help me through another difficult time.
Is that too much to ask?