Out of control.

[xsurvivethefall]

For the last two days, I feel like all I've eaten are cookies, cookies, cookie dough, and more cookies. I feel horrible right now, both emotionally and physically. I don't know what happened. I was doing so good in the last few months... but between work and home, I'm surrounded by cookies, cake, and chocolate, and I keep eating it all. I can't stop. I don't know what is going on. And I know... blah, blah, blah... "it's the holidays." I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. And I know, I'm crazy.. and I need help.. I'm aware of all this. But until I'm able to get help [which won't happen until after January], I don't know how to control both the sugar cravings AND the guilt that follow them. I can tell, Dan is starting to get fed up with me... he's got to pull me back off the ledge every time I eat something "bad"... which has been a lot in the past two days. I don't know what to do... I have no idea... none at all. The easy thing to do would be to just not give in to the cravings in order to save both mine and Dan's sanity. But in the moment the cookie or the cake or the candy is within my reach, I think to myself, "Hey, I'll be okay... just eat it." But as soon as I'm done the last bite, INSTANT REGRET. I fly off the handle. Ugh. Ugh. UGH. I'm sorry, but I can't help but hate myself right now. I hate for how I keep making myself feel... for the position I'm putting Dan and everyone else around me in.

Please, please, please. If you're going to comment, please don't remind me that I need help. I know I do. I'm completely aware. But I don't need everyone to remind me how damaged I am... how crazy... how irrational... how broken. I know I'm all those things. You don't need to drill it any further.