hey.. so i got what i wanted (i think), yet why does everything feel so cruddy. so austin updated his lj saying some stuff and it just made me cry and feel even worse. so the following is what tim had said about our breakup. then following it, is my reply to it.
It’s as though you were tied up, hands behind your back and you are unable to set yourself free. Here you are, tied up in a chair, in a dark room with only a light dangling above your head. You hear the shwing of a mysterious sword from its sheath. You look around, but can’t see anything past the beam of light. Silence overwhelms you and you remain unstill, not knowing what’s out there. Suddenly, from out of the darkness, a swift, rusted sword heads toward you with ease. Within seconds, the blood that was once within you now flows down the side of your face. Before you know it, you are again surrounded by the darkness. Again, the sword appears, but this time it decides to stab you straight into the back, leaving no mercy within its freshly cut wound. This slow and painful massacre continues to happen, as you body continues to be scarred with such cuts. But then, the sound of footsteps approach you. You not only hear one person, but two people. And as the two people appear with the same sword that had struck, which now is soaked with your blood, your heart begins to beat faster and faster. You realize that it was not your enemy, who you had thought before, that continuously struck you. It was your lover and your friend. Here they stand before you, showing no ill-emotion. You know that they were together as they hold each others hand, the sword lying within their grasps. You want to scream and wake up as if it was a dream, how can such a lover as this betray you? And same with your friend? And as your friend unties you and lets you go, you are too weak…too weak to even crawl. Anger, revenge, brutality, and hatred run through your sickened heart. And as you approach your friend, as if you were going to kill him, you feel the blade of that forsaken sword slit your throat and then pierce your heart. You fall upon the ground, the ground in which you were created from and look up. Though you don’t believe it, it is your lover who has come and killed you. It was your lover who stabbed your heart to protect the one who betrayed you. Still showing no mercy or emotion, your lover watches you fall. You were willing to give up all you have and forgive her, and she again stabs you. You try to tell her one last time that you love her, but you know it’s too late. And as you see your lover kiss that of which was your friend, blackness surrounds you. No longer will you have to feel the pain.
It’s as thought I was tied up, hands behind my back and unable to set myself free
Here I am, tied up in a chair, in a dark room with only a light dangling above my head
For it was I that had tied myself up in this chair
I was searching for an answer that was lost in the darkness that surrounds me.
Then I remember why I’m tied up in the first place.
I wanted to prevent myself from killing you and myself
I was looking for an easy exit, a way to get love and affection.
But while you were at home, safe and happy, I was in Hell, partying the night away.
I found a person to give me what I wanted
And in a drunken state, I did all in my power to keep it.
But I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore
But it seemed like I was a puppet, controlled by your friend to make sure I couldn’t run back to you.
Then my strings were let go as if see what I would do
Would I stay with him or return to you?
But I was so caught up and tangled up in my strings that I didn’t know what to do.
I tried to cut away those strings, but in the process, I cut myself
Then the bleeding wouldn’t stop.
It flowed freely down my finger and onto my arms
Now I know I’m killing you too when you see me with him
But what you don’t know or see is that I’m slowly killing myself.
I know that anger, revenge, brutality, and hatred flows through your veins and you want to kill him with the sword that is killing you.
You don’t see that when we come to you in your dark room, your sword is killing me too.
Every time I stab you is a stab to me.
I’m being stabbed by him to stab you against my will.
And as I stand there and watch you die and fade away to just a memory, tears are flowing down my face.
And once you’re gone, I wish to be in your position where you can’t feel the pain of the sword.
For I long to take the sword and plunge it into my heart so I don’t have to feel the pain and resentment and regret.
But I can’t,
For I’m being controlled by a sword too.