(no subject)
Going away party tonight.
I can't shake this feeling of regret. I feel down about something and I tried to figure it out last night but the only thing I feel is this.
I feel rejected.
I subconsciously filter people by if they are more or less important than me. Whether they have more to offer then me, whether they are worth more.
I don't know why I do this, I know I am a good person, I know I have a lot to offer. I KNOW I'm a good person, I know I'm smart (enough) an I know I'm good looking, despite my size. Enough people have told me this. I believe those people.
So when I'm so...thoroughly...rejected it hurts my pride. I feel empty where I was whole. Loose where I was tight. The things I was certain of I'm not so certain of. I'm wrapped up in this girl not because she is a particularly thrilling or amazing person, really she has few qualities that truly thrill me.
I wanted to get to know her. My favorite part of her is just talking to her. It's not sex, it isn't kisses. All of the affection is very insincere. I feel like I wasn't even given a chance. That bothers me. If people could only see ME, like how I am when I'm comfortable.
I don't know. I feel like sometimes I have nothing to offer but me, and when I feel like me is just not good enough I am left wondering, what do I have left to offer. Then I wonder if it's all worth it or not?
*sigh* I wish I could just get a hug.
I can't shake this feeling of regret. I feel down about something and I tried to figure it out last night but the only thing I feel is this.
I feel rejected.
I subconsciously filter people by if they are more or less important than me. Whether they have more to offer then me, whether they are worth more.
I don't know why I do this, I know I am a good person, I know I have a lot to offer. I KNOW I'm a good person, I know I'm smart (enough) an I know I'm good looking, despite my size. Enough people have told me this. I believe those people.
So when I'm so...thoroughly...rejected it hurts my pride. I feel empty where I was whole. Loose where I was tight. The things I was certain of I'm not so certain of. I'm wrapped up in this girl not because she is a particularly thrilling or amazing person, really she has few qualities that truly thrill me.
I wanted to get to know her. My favorite part of her is just talking to her. It's not sex, it isn't kisses. All of the affection is very insincere. I feel like I wasn't even given a chance. That bothers me. If people could only see ME, like how I am when I'm comfortable.
I don't know. I feel like sometimes I have nothing to offer but me, and when I feel like me is just not good enough I am left wondering, what do I have left to offer. Then I wonder if it's all worth it or not?
*sigh* I wish I could just get a hug.