the strange workings of the dark life.

May 02, 2005 00:45

Well, so much for Necromancy. I did go out last night, and I was supposed to be going to Enigma around about 9pm but then my sister got a message from one of her guys (she's got a few hanging around at the moment, and she's having trouble deciding which one of them she wants) saying that he would be at the Cranker from 9pm. We decided that we would go to the Cranker from 9pm until around 11:30pm/midnight and then go to Necromancy. We ended up leaving around midnight, as my sister had to meet her boyfriend/partner-type-person and I thought we were going to Enigma - but then my sister tells me that we're actually going to Shotz as that's where she was meeting her boyfriend. At that point, I'd had enough beverages not to really care where I was going - as long as there were men, beer and a bathroom as I was dying to take a piss (knew y'all wanted to know about that haha). So, we ended up staying at Shotz (can you believe we had to wait like, half an hour to get in? And as if they charge you to get in!). That's the basic rundown of the itinerary of the night, but the events of the night ended up being very complex and weird indeed.
Not long after arriving at the Cranker, the guy that I happened to have a bit of a makeout session last week turned up. I thought that I should go apologise to him, as he had given me his number and asked me to call and I didn't. Not that I didn't think about calling, because the idea seriously crossed my mind a couple of times, but I didn't know what to say and plus, I was consumed with thoughts of my current relationship (or relationship of sorts, at least). We ended up getting into a conversation and talked intensely about all sorts of stuff (the psychedelic music of the 60's, LSD, beat poetry, mental illness, Buddhism, art...) and it was really great. I really enjoyed talking to him. He bought me a couple of drinks and things were going nicely - no weirdness, no sleaze, just good conversation and company. Then my "guy" turns up, I give him a hug and a kiss etc and introduce him to the other (yes, I know, probably not a good idea but the two don't know about each other therefore it was okay) and he said that he was going to cruise around and see who was there. Then, he seemed to disappear. I messaged him firstly to ask where he was, and he said that he was around, talking to people. Then near midnight I messaged him to tell him that we would be leaving soon and to come find me so we could leave together - and that was when he chose to tell me that he had left, was at the bus stop and was going home. I was so annoyed! He didn't even bother to tell me that he had gone. So, I traipse down to the bus stop at his request and we end up having this weird, emotional conversation. He was really upset about something, but he couldn't really articulate what that was. The most I could get out of him was that he was confused, that he didn't know what I was doing, and that he was feeling jealous about seeing me talk to other guys even though he knew he had told me that it was okay, and that I was free to pursue other men. I wasn't even doing anything with this guy at the bar, but he couldn't handle it. He was all full of self-loathing and saying crap like "You're too good for me", "I don't deserve you" etc and that I should be out having fun with my friends not sitting there with him. He told me that I was acting like a girlfriend and that I didn't have to do that. There were a few tears shed, on my part and his. Things were really messed up and confusing. I couldn't get out of him what was wrong, I couldn't make him believe that I wanted to be there and that I cared about him and was worried about him, and that I wanted to help. I left him there, upset and a wreck (though I won't neglect to mention that I was a bit of a wreck myself at this point) and went back to the bar. I couldn't convince him to try again, to come out with me and work on having a good time.
So, I went back to the bar and meet back up with this other guy. We continue talking, and it's really great and all and I'm feeling reckless and uninhibited because of being angry with my guy back at the bus stop. So, when he tells me that he really likes me and wants to get to know me, I promise to call him so we can meet up some time - and when I left, I gave him a kiss on the lips and a big hug goodbye. And I truly am thinking that I will call him. It's probably really stupid for me to be doing it, but I can't help but be intrigued by this guy. I can't help feeling as if I might be missing out on something if I deny myself the opportunity to discover someone else, someone new.
Fast forward to later that night. I run into the flatmate of a guy I was seeing before the current one came onto the scene, and who, technically, I am still semi-involved with (I've never had "the conversation"-ie I've never talked to him about ending things, I've just let things naturally fade out) and he tells me that the guy that I was seeing is turning up also. Now, though I had a thing with this guy, I always liked the flatmate more. I spent the whole night just dying to tell him that I didn't want to be with him, that I wanted to be with his flatmate, and yet stupid me still agreed to go back to his house with him. I was so drunk, and annoyed and lonely, I thought what the hell... When we get back to their place, I had a couple more beers and when the flatmate had disappeared to bed we had this full-on conversation. I sent him a message about a month or so before saying that I didn't know what was going on between us and that I didn't want to do it anymore but he never responded. He chose to bring all of that up at 6:30am this morning even though we were both really drunk. He knows that I had a lapse of judgement and had an indiscretion with his flatmate, and he asked me who I wanted more - I couldn't just sit there and tell him that I didn't want him. So I shut my mouth. I just said that things were fine as they were. I stayed the night in his bed (though not for what reasons you are imagining). We kissed before going to sleep and that is that. I woke up this morning thinking, "What the f**k am I doing?"
Things are so messed up today. I just want to hide in bed with the covers over my head. Relationships with people are becoming so strange and confusing and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know how to do any of this crap. I don't know how to fix any of this. Sometimes I think I must be a bad person to be doing this - this drinking and carousing with a multitude of different men - but I really don't know anything else. This has been my way of life for a long time. And I don't dislike it exactly... It's more that I'm yearning for some simplicity, for things to make sense for once in my life. I'm tired of things being so mixed up, so complex. I wish I could just sit back in the moment and enjoy things for once.
I sent a message to Him, to see if he was okay today. He says he is, but who knows what he is really feeling for sure? He wouldn't tell me over the phone. We are meeting up on Wednesday afternoon and I know that I will be in for another "discussion". I don't know why everything has to be analysed constantly. I wish he could just relax and enjoy it, the way I am - why can't he just appreciate the positive things that our association is bringing to each of our lives? If you're constantly worried about the what if's, you will miss the here and now.
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