dancing with the devil.
I am getting way too addicted, way too quickly - so much so that it has to be an unhealthy thing. He is a sanctuary, the calm in the middle of a storm and I find myself craving his quiet. It worries me - am I being affected so badly by him because I truly care for him, or is it merely a symptom of the whole “White Knight Syndrome”? I do like him as a person, I do, but I’m worried that I’m investing this emotion just because he makes me feel so good about myself. I don’t want this to be true; I’m not able to make an objective judgement about it either way yet. He is such a good person, he is so good to me, and he deserves someone who truly cares for him and is truly committed to him. I don’t want to do anything unless I’m completely sure. I don’t want to go into any kind of association or relationship uncertain, only to have to hurt him later.
It’s such a confusing situation; I’m too scared to let anybody get too close lest I get hurt. Yet at the same time, I really do want to get close to someone but I’m too scared to go after what I want in case I get rejected. Either way, I lose out. I know that he likes me, but I’m too scared to pursue him just in case he does, ultimately, reject me or in the event that I lose interest. It’s supposed to be a good thing to do the things that scare you, and believe me, this scares the hell out of me.
I am seeing him tomorrow, and it seems so far away.
I’m going to have to take more pills. The drugs I’m currently taking just aren’t doing it any more. I’m going to have to go back to a psychiatrist, as much as I don’t want to. I’m so tired of this damn carousel I’m on.
It’s such a confusing situation; I’m too scared to let anybody get too close lest I get hurt. Yet at the same time, I really do want to get close to someone but I’m too scared to go after what I want in case I get rejected. Either way, I lose out. I know that he likes me, but I’m too scared to pursue him just in case he does, ultimately, reject me or in the event that I lose interest. It’s supposed to be a good thing to do the things that scare you, and believe me, this scares the hell out of me.
I am seeing him tomorrow, and it seems so far away.
I’m going to have to take more pills. The drugs I’m currently taking just aren’t doing it any more. I’m going to have to go back to a psychiatrist, as much as I don’t want to. I’m so tired of this damn carousel I’m on.