the beguilement of erzulie.
It has been a long time since I have been able to post an entry and quite a few things have been going on so I suppose that I should do some sort of quick update entry before bothering to get into anything deep and meaningful. I haven't really seen anybody for ages, so some (although I doubt it) might be wondering what it is that I have been up to.
SCHOOL
I'm barely surviving. I'm gaining decent grades so far, but really, I don't think I'm doing that well. I can't believe the amount of formative work I have, not to mention the summative work on top of that. I seriously can't remember getting this much homework in year 12 the first time around. I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit in more and more study. I've only had a few summative assignments so far, and, despite all of my best intentions, I completed them all either the night before or the day that they were due. I've been really cutting it fine - it doesn't really help that I've been going out at least once or twice a weekend (or even during the week) either. Not last weekend but the weekend before, I went out on the Thursday, Saturday and Tuesday nights and still managed to make it to all of my lessons and do all of my homework (although it was a rather painful experience, I can tell you!). Needless to say, I haven't been getting a huge amount of sleep. I am surviving, just barely. The one thing that is making my time at school a little more enjoyable than usual is the friends I've been making in my classes. I wasn't planning to make an effort to make friends; I was just going to be one of those people who go straight to class, do their work quietly, don't make an effort to talk to anyone etc. It's not working out that way, though. Not that it's a necessarily bad thing; it does make my classes a little more interesting (and when you're studying things like modern and ancient history, that's a quality not to be underestimated!) Some interesting and amusing group discussions have occurred. It's nice to feel welcome when I walk into class, to have a niche where I more or less fit in - people who don't look down upon me because of the way I dress or because of my interests.
HEALTH
My health hasn't been so great. I am so exhausted, for a start. I'm getting so tired that now I am overtired and I am having trouble sleeping. I look like shite; my hair is, for some reason, really greasy all the time at the moment no matter how many times I wash it and it really needs a dye job. I have the worst blonde regrowth you've ever seen (yes, people I am a blonde in real life!). My skin is disgusting and I keep getting breakouts. I've got dark rings around my eyes, and I look like I've been in the wars as I have cuts and bruises everywhere from my various misadventures. My asthma (and not to mention my hayfever) is playing up because I've been smoking more than usual, so I sound like an 80 year old woman with emphysema. I've been feeling nauseous and dizzy all of the time because of my medication - if I forget to take it, I get ill and I've been missing a few doses lately as I'm never home and I forget to take my pills with me. Then there is my mental health, which is definitely going through some problems. I think I am getting depressed again. In fact, I know I am getting depressed again. It has slowly been sneaking up on me the last four weeks or so. I need to do something about it, but in a way I'm reluctant. My dosage of antidepressants has triple in the two years that I've been taking it. I can keep increasing the dose but eventually it's going to stop working altogether, which is not a good thing because I've tried a couple of other brands which just didn't work and the one I'm already taking is supposed to be the best kind for resistant and long term depression. If this one doesn't work, it's unlikely that any others will. SO, what am I going to do when it stops working? I don't know. I don't want that day to arrive.
LOVE LIFE
Pretty non-existent, to be honest. I have hardly seen Lee. In fact, I haven't seen him in like, two and a half weeks. I thought we were fading out, that we were over. Then two nights ago, I get all these messages asking me to come over and then later, more paranoid messages, asking whether I wanted to see him or not at all because I wasn't answering. It was 1:30am - I wasn't answering because I was asleep and I didn't get the messages until the next morning, not because I was ignoring him! I got a message from him last night also, really late, which I also didn't answer because I slept through it. I don't think that he really has the right to get stroppy with me, considering it was that late, he knows that I am studying right now, and he and I haven't been in contact for a fortnight. I'm sick and tired of jumping when he says jump. I'm not able to drop everything to go around there any more. I don't even know if I want to be involved with him anymore. It's probably such a stereotypical thing to think, but I don't like being in a "relationship" or whatever you would call this without knowing exactly where we are going. I want to know what I am to him - am I a booty call or am I someone that he actually wants around, someone he wants to get to know? I could form an argument for both sides of the story - I could find evidence for both questions. The obvious thing would of course be to ask him, but I am finding that bit really difficult. I don't want to have *the talk* with him. I don't know if I really care enough to be interested. Plus, there is still the issue that I really like his flatmate. It's bad I know, but I can't help it.
An interest of mine, who has been living in Queensland the last couple of months, is coming down for a few days next week and one of those days/nights he is spending with me. I really like him. I don't know him that well, but we have spent a few nights together in the past and they were wonderful. I met him over a year ago actually, and we had a one-night thing and then I ran into him again last October/November. A few more interesting nights ensued, but he left for Queensland not long into that time. We have kept in slight contact since then, and now he is coming to see me. I can't wait. I really like him, but unfortunately I don't think it will go anywhere. Besides the fact that he is ten years older than me and is currently living in a different state, I don't think he likes me enough to consider anything permanent. Nevertheless, I will make the most of it while it exists.
SOCIAL LIFE
I have been drinking way too much. I have been to the Cranker way too often. And I drink too much at home. I went to a party a few weekends ago, had too much to drink and then someone slipped ecstasy into my drink. That sure made for an interesting night; or so I'm told, as I don't remember all that much. All I know is that I woke up face down in my ex-boyfriend's bed, in only my underwear, with cuts, bruises and love bites all over me. It was not the greatest experience, especially seeing as I was acting like a total headcase and didn't do anything to help the relationships between my friends and sister and I. I apparently slapped and pushed her around as well as had a bit of a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, I wouldn't let her take my alcohol away, and I was stumbling around acting like a complete twat. In a way, I'm glad I don't remember any of it. Other than that, pretty regular kind of time really. Just going to the Cranker and Shotz, drinking beer, etc. I went to the Grace Emily to see a friend's band play. I caught up with a friend at Charlton's and Shenanigan's *shudder*.
And that's about it.
SCHOOL
I'm barely surviving. I'm gaining decent grades so far, but really, I don't think I'm doing that well. I can't believe the amount of formative work I have, not to mention the summative work on top of that. I seriously can't remember getting this much homework in year 12 the first time around. I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit in more and more study. I've only had a few summative assignments so far, and, despite all of my best intentions, I completed them all either the night before or the day that they were due. I've been really cutting it fine - it doesn't really help that I've been going out at least once or twice a weekend (or even during the week) either. Not last weekend but the weekend before, I went out on the Thursday, Saturday and Tuesday nights and still managed to make it to all of my lessons and do all of my homework (although it was a rather painful experience, I can tell you!). Needless to say, I haven't been getting a huge amount of sleep. I am surviving, just barely. The one thing that is making my time at school a little more enjoyable than usual is the friends I've been making in my classes. I wasn't planning to make an effort to make friends; I was just going to be one of those people who go straight to class, do their work quietly, don't make an effort to talk to anyone etc. It's not working out that way, though. Not that it's a necessarily bad thing; it does make my classes a little more interesting (and when you're studying things like modern and ancient history, that's a quality not to be underestimated!) Some interesting and amusing group discussions have occurred. It's nice to feel welcome when I walk into class, to have a niche where I more or less fit in - people who don't look down upon me because of the way I dress or because of my interests.
HEALTH
My health hasn't been so great. I am so exhausted, for a start. I'm getting so tired that now I am overtired and I am having trouble sleeping. I look like shite; my hair is, for some reason, really greasy all the time at the moment no matter how many times I wash it and it really needs a dye job. I have the worst blonde regrowth you've ever seen (yes, people I am a blonde in real life!). My skin is disgusting and I keep getting breakouts. I've got dark rings around my eyes, and I look like I've been in the wars as I have cuts and bruises everywhere from my various misadventures. My asthma (and not to mention my hayfever) is playing up because I've been smoking more than usual, so I sound like an 80 year old woman with emphysema. I've been feeling nauseous and dizzy all of the time because of my medication - if I forget to take it, I get ill and I've been missing a few doses lately as I'm never home and I forget to take my pills with me. Then there is my mental health, which is definitely going through some problems. I think I am getting depressed again. In fact, I know I am getting depressed again. It has slowly been sneaking up on me the last four weeks or so. I need to do something about it, but in a way I'm reluctant. My dosage of antidepressants has triple in the two years that I've been taking it. I can keep increasing the dose but eventually it's going to stop working altogether, which is not a good thing because I've tried a couple of other brands which just didn't work and the one I'm already taking is supposed to be the best kind for resistant and long term depression. If this one doesn't work, it's unlikely that any others will. SO, what am I going to do when it stops working? I don't know. I don't want that day to arrive.
LOVE LIFE
Pretty non-existent, to be honest. I have hardly seen Lee. In fact, I haven't seen him in like, two and a half weeks. I thought we were fading out, that we were over. Then two nights ago, I get all these messages asking me to come over and then later, more paranoid messages, asking whether I wanted to see him or not at all because I wasn't answering. It was 1:30am - I wasn't answering because I was asleep and I didn't get the messages until the next morning, not because I was ignoring him! I got a message from him last night also, really late, which I also didn't answer because I slept through it. I don't think that he really has the right to get stroppy with me, considering it was that late, he knows that I am studying right now, and he and I haven't been in contact for a fortnight. I'm sick and tired of jumping when he says jump. I'm not able to drop everything to go around there any more. I don't even know if I want to be involved with him anymore. It's probably such a stereotypical thing to think, but I don't like being in a "relationship" or whatever you would call this without knowing exactly where we are going. I want to know what I am to him - am I a booty call or am I someone that he actually wants around, someone he wants to get to know? I could form an argument for both sides of the story - I could find evidence for both questions. The obvious thing would of course be to ask him, but I am finding that bit really difficult. I don't want to have *the talk* with him. I don't know if I really care enough to be interested. Plus, there is still the issue that I really like his flatmate. It's bad I know, but I can't help it.
An interest of mine, who has been living in Queensland the last couple of months, is coming down for a few days next week and one of those days/nights he is spending with me. I really like him. I don't know him that well, but we have spent a few nights together in the past and they were wonderful. I met him over a year ago actually, and we had a one-night thing and then I ran into him again last October/November. A few more interesting nights ensued, but he left for Queensland not long into that time. We have kept in slight contact since then, and now he is coming to see me. I can't wait. I really like him, but unfortunately I don't think it will go anywhere. Besides the fact that he is ten years older than me and is currently living in a different state, I don't think he likes me enough to consider anything permanent. Nevertheless, I will make the most of it while it exists.
SOCIAL LIFE
I have been drinking way too much. I have been to the Cranker way too often. And I drink too much at home. I went to a party a few weekends ago, had too much to drink and then someone slipped ecstasy into my drink. That sure made for an interesting night; or so I'm told, as I don't remember all that much. All I know is that I woke up face down in my ex-boyfriend's bed, in only my underwear, with cuts, bruises and love bites all over me. It was not the greatest experience, especially seeing as I was acting like a total headcase and didn't do anything to help the relationships between my friends and sister and I. I apparently slapped and pushed her around as well as had a bit of a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, I wouldn't let her take my alcohol away, and I was stumbling around acting like a complete twat. In a way, I'm glad I don't remember any of it. Other than that, pretty regular kind of time really. Just going to the Cranker and Shotz, drinking beer, etc. I went to the Grace Emily to see a friend's band play. I caught up with a friend at Charlton's and Shenanigan's *shudder*.
And that's about it.