I want to have fun again. :/
Now, leaving that sentence as it is, would lead one to believe that I'm all depressed about my life or something of that sort, when in reality, I couldn't be happier in that aspect. I have a great, loving wife, family and friends who love and respect me despite any of my shortcomings. I'm actually getting happier about my job thanks to a new co-worker that actually pays attention to what I'm saying and actually wants to work. That, and he's just funny as hell, we both have a rather dark sense of humor and laugh at just about anything. Hell, even last Friday, we had a crapload of rain dumped on us, and I called him in, and he learned how to handle the plant during high flow conditions in just a couple hours, unlike the last guy who I spent 16 straight hours with and he still didn't learn a goddamn thing about how to control the plant during heavy rain events. I'm still working a lot of over time, hell, I think I already have around 20 hours of overtime just from last week alone, but it's starting to get less and less just because he knows what he's doing. Sucks for my paycheck, but good for my sanity. It also means I get to spend more time with my wife, when even though I live with her, sometimes it feels like we don't see each other much because I'm either working, sleeping, or just vegetating around the apartment because I'm too tired to do much else.
But no, I'm happy with my life. I really am. I don't think I could ask for much more. Haha, I'd like an HDTV, but it's something I'd *like* to have, not something I need.
As always, I'm talking about my artwork. YAY ANOTHER POST ABOUT ME BITCHING ABOUT MY ARTWORK!!!! Haha okay, no, not really, I'm gonna try to spare everyone from too much bitching. But yeah, I want to have fun again... with my artwork. I've been so damn focused on landing a job in the gaming industry that artwork just isn't fun anymore, anything I do is always done with me trying to impress the Art Directors of a slew of gaming companies, worrying about what they will think about my style and composition. I want to try new things and new techniques without having to worry about what someone will think. I've had this itch all week to do something, but work has been a bitch, all getting in the way and shit. Busybusybusy. So I think some sort of self-discovery is in order for me. I dunno, we'll see. I'm just tired of trying to impress people. That's not why I started drawing in the first place, I started drawing because it was fun. Hell, when I was in high school, I filled up so many sketchbooks that I've honestly lost several of them. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I fill up HALF of a sketchbook over the course of a year. And I think it's because I'm trying too hard. I just want to have fun again. I want to draw stupid little sketches that make people laugh, I want to do artwork that perhaps conveys how I'm feeling at that certain point in my life. I'm tired of trying to impress everyone. It's not why I started drawing in the first place. Yay for repeating myself.
When Khail was last here in MD, I went to go pick him up from Dan's house so we could hang out, and while he was getting ready, he said something I didn't expect. He said that he wants to learn how to draw, and if I had any books that he could borrow to reference and learn from. I said sure, as all I use nowadays is just anatomy books. But the reason he's wanting to learn how to draw, is because he really wants to make a comic, but he hasn't found another artist that he likes or trusts enough to put his vision onto paper. He didn't hold it against me at all, he knows work kills me and I'm usually pretty busy because of it, and my downtime is usually just that: my downtime. My time to not to a damn thing that's productive by any means. It made me feel good, really good about myself, and I started thinking about my artwork all over again. Just where did I go wrong; where I really started to hate picking up a pencil and a sketchbook? I used to love it, now it's something I dread, and any time I DO produce something, it always feels forced. And dammit, I'm not getting paid for it, so why should I have this feeling? It's nonsense.
So I'm hoping to turn a new leaf here. I'm an artist. Despite what I may think personally about my artwork, I know I'm good, really good, compared to a lot of other people. I was born with a pencil in my mouth, and dammit, I want to draw again. Just for the hell of it. Just for shits and giggles, or just to help me deal with my own anxieties and feelings. I've been working hard to control my anger and frustration lately, and I think this might be the perfect outlet to help me with it.
Hmm, and now that I bring it up, I've never really talked about my anxiety before. I've told my wife that I have my own anxieties, but I don't think I've ever really told her what I'm anxious about. Gabe of
Penny Arcade just made a post yesterday about how his anxieties control him, and how now that he has a kid, he just really needs to deal with them. It made me think about my own, and it's something I just want to start trying to control. While my own axiety may not be as severe, I worry all the time what people will think of me professionally. I don't want people to think that I'm a slacker and will never amount to much, and honestly, I know I'm not, but I feel that way, all the time, depsite me being successful at my job, hell even receiving awards from the state because of my hard work. I can never shake that feeling, no matter what. It's why I stayed up till 10 the other night at home, doing nothing but paperwork for my job. Well, that, and I was prepping for a ginormous meeting with MD Dept of the Environment the next day, which I was worrying relentlessly about. I told Tiff after it was over, how I've haven't felt so good in a long time because of it. It was weighing on me more than I realized, I suppose. And the results of the meeting? MDE was impressed with everything I've done, very much so, as NO ONE thought that this plant could produce the numbers that we were getting. I blew away everyone's expectations, and this plant has never been better because of the hard work I've put in.
I also worry a TON about my wife. Not that I'm worried about her running off on me or anything, I worry about her safety. Hell, even last night when she left to go to a friend's house, I watched out the bedroom window to make sure she made it safe to her car and that nothing happened to her. I think it's why whenever she leaves I always just go to sleep, because then I'm just unconcious and not thinking about anything, especially because I hardly ever dream. Any time I do, it's always about zombies trying to eat me or some shit. Haha, weird, I know.
I also worry about being taken advantage of, all the time, just because I never say anything in opposition to anyone, because I always want to avoid an argument or difference of opinion, and quite frequently it happens that people think that I just don't care, because I never speak up, when in actuality, I have tons of opinions, I just keep them buried down deep inside because I'm afraid of what could arise if I do speak up. It doesn't help that anytime I DO express my opinion, someone is always left disappointed or mad at me. I fucking hate that. It also happens that I keep my opinions to myself so much that every so often I just explode into a fit of rage. And it's always my own fucking fault because I didn't speak up in the first place. I don't want that, especially if I'm going to be having kids sometime in the near future. I don't ever want to end up like my psycho of a mother. I'm doing my best to be completely honest with my wife and tell her exactly how I feel, as it's caused problems before, and I just don't want it to happen anymore. Sometimes it's hard to do, but I do it irregardless because I want US to stay together forever, and I don't need my anxiety getting in the way of us being happy. That, and she can tell when I'm not too happy about something so what's the point of hiding it?
Thse things are always tearing me apart inside. And I never show it. Because I worry about looking weak. Yet another anxiety. Hell, I'm already skinny as hell (okay not THAT skinny compared to some other people I know), and many already associate that with being physically weak, when I can lift my own weight and MORE, I just don't have the muscles to show it, so the LAST thing I need is to people to think that I'm weak emotionally too. The bane of my existence, if you will. I want to be viewed as strong, and I suffer because of it.
Sigh. There, it's all out in the open. I'll be honest, I had to hold back tears a couple times there while typing that up. This is very personal to me. I don't think I've EVER told any of this to anyone. Thank Gabe for inspiring me to put down what I feel every day into words. I guess this is what I mean about self-discovery. Just who am I, *really*?
Ending on a positive note, I just want to say that I believe the Town is going to put my name in for Wastewater Operator of the Year this year (it's a state-wide dealie hosted by the Maryland Rural Water Association (MRWA), not just for the town itself). The lead engineers from two different firms, a wastewater rep from MRWA, and my boss all agree that I should be nominated. Haha it'd be cool to add that alongside of my rookie of the year award. We'll see what happens, I hope I get it :D
I love you guys <3