long wait for nothing
I hate getting ready. I hate getting in the shower (which i still do in the dark), drying my hair, putting on my makeup, finding something to wear (this is the worst part because I hate how my clothes fit ALL OF THEM even pj's), and all the other shit. Most of all I hate making "tentative plans." Tentative plans mean I have to go through this whole god damn process with the possibility it is for nothing... meaning I waste all that time, my expensive ass makeup (the only one that doesn't make me look like an overdone hooker), and the total agony I put myself through with the whole process. AND AS OF NOW while I am sitting alone at home while D is at work talking with evan... waiting... for a stupid text message or a phone call or an email saying we're still on for tonight at around 10pm. AND GUESS WHAT STILL WAITING. and I got done up for nothing. and I don't want to play the stupid game with him and evan... i hate that game I only play it because it makes them both happy. and i never go out because plans always fall through but you know what i do get to always do... get ready FOR NOTHING. and sit and WAIT FOR NOTHING.
I want to eat the chinese food... and because I am bored I want to just eat it and purge because that will take up a lot time ok well atleast 30 minutes but... i have make up on and i got alllll ready do I can't do that. I want to go have a cigarette, but i can't do that either because D will be home soon and i'll have to do the whole getting ready process all over again because he thinks I quit like a year ago. I would have a glass of wine, but now I can't have any alcohol because I "gave the judge my word." and D made such a big fucking deal out of it that now I can't even have a drink to kill the time. I'm tired of sitting on fb because i look like i have no life (and I don't) because i'm on it all day at work because there is nothing to do.
And to tell him I'm disappointed makes me feel like a stupid little child who got all ready to go out and play at someones birthday party and now can't go because it's raining.
We have a halloween party friday I am very excited for because I like halloween I like the people throwing the party and last year I had mono on my favorite holiday... how much do you want to bet we don't go and I wasted 90 bucks on really cute costume. and I will be so pissed and yet again have to pretend i'm not pissed or disappointed or whatever...
yes I'm negative and childish...at least I feel like it. whatever.