free
The other night I was able to experience something I have never experienced before. For the first time, in what I'm going to say is my entire life, my head wasn't filled with a million highly delusional and negative thoughts. The events leading up to this occasion are not really as important as the occasion itself. In the moment I didn't feel my head fill with every negative and dellusional thought in the world I felt this amazing calm and peace... this euphoria... not a high... but I could just feel what normal people must feel like. I saw how used to reacting to my negativity and insecurities Daniel is. I saw that I have hurt him in more ways than one, but also that our fights are not all my fault. When I didn't react to something Daniel had said he reacted as if I had reacted like I normally would have. And it was in that moment I saw the damage I had caused. Normally Daniel's upset tone and reaction would have sent me into a tail spin of terrible thoughts. "He hates me, I knew it." "He is only with me because he is trapped here" "I'm terrible, God what is wrong with me" "I'm just not going to eat tomorrow and focus on not eating and then I won't react I'll be ok I won't be so spastic and do everything wrong and suck at life" I didn't think about how a blade would feel against my skin and what it would feel like when I began to bleed. I didn't think about downing the whole bottle of Daniel's medication... I didn't think it was best for me to die just because he was upset. I realized that I (in fact) had not done anything wrong this time (yes I did before that moment and that is why he was all reactive) and his reactions were not caused by ME they were caused by HIM. I didn't make him feel upset he chose to feel upset. And in that one moment I felt so much peace. I could only smile. He went to bed before me that night and when I went into the room it was dark and he was already asleep. Normally this would send me into a panic. I would dream of him leaving me if I even slept at all. When he woke up the next morning and didn't wake me I would normally go into a panic thinking he was still mad at me and that he really wanted to desperately leave me but couldn't that I was a terrible person that I can't do anything right that he doesn't love me. I would begin to cry and curl up into a ball... I would collapse inside myself... and then I would silently cry until I fell back to sleep. That morning I did not do those things. The thoughts never even entered my head. Instead I thought "he must have not been able to sleep anymore and he's doing his own thing, I'm still tired I'm going to sleep for a bit longer," and I did. There was no tension that morning, and he did just have a head ache. When he had the head ache I didn't think it was my fault either. It was beautiful. The calm was amazing.
I know that nights events happened because of the seroquel xr. I could already feel the tiredness coming on before he became upset. I could feel this happy fuzzy feeling... it was a calm... a steady calm. When he started to react to something I said (which was me agreeing with him) I felt that calm, and I didn't react, and it was that calm that helped me to assess the situation and not react... I want to say not care, but I did care, I was just able to pull myself out of the situation and assess it.
Here is my dilema... I am so tired because of the seroquel and those moments only last for a few hours... I am hungry all the time... munchies hungry... and I can avoid that and make myself only eat at meals it's just annoying... if I gain weight I will not like it. I think it will be more detrimental to me than people think it will... mostly because I know myself better than anyone else. I've looked at a few other medications and the only two that don't seem to fuck people up are Topamax and Tegretol. I have taken Topamax and thinking back I remember that I didn't mind being really out of it... but at that time my life was awful and I'm sure they put me on such a high dose so that I didn't just slit my wrists... I don't want that. I enjoy knowing what is going on around me now and experiencing my life (for the most part)... I wonder if a low dose would help me, that I would be willing to do. The other thing is the weight loss, which in my ED mind is awesome, but I know that it would be a bad thing... to lose the weight I know I would on the topamax would be bad for me and medically dangerous (i'm not talking a 10-15 lb weight loss with how that medication affects me... we are talking 20-40 lbs). I know very little about the Tegretol. I guess my question is this: are the risks worth feeling what I felt that night I didn't react? I wanted so badly for Daniel to see what I saw that night. I wanted to say sorry and have him understand why I was saying it... that I was sorry for ingraining him to react to me that way... I wish I could be on a medication that could just even me out like the seroquel did that night... but all day. I saw how amazing my life could be if I wasn't completely consumed by these thoughts all the time. I prayed that night that God would give me that feeling again but have it last a whole day.
The terrible thoughts I have in my head keep me so stuck. Daniel says it's all in my head, and I hate to be a cliche and quote a Fiona Apple song, but honestly I do say so is everything, and he doesn't get it. He says it in a way that conveys he thinks I should be able to just shut it off like a switch, which is not possible. That night it was proven to me he is wrong and it isn't something I can just change on my own. I CAN change it, but I need help chemically to do so. That medication put up a wall and didn't let the delusions spill into my brain... it let me grow that night. so it's chemical... and i wish I could feel that moment again... for more than 30 minutes.
I'm sure you are reading thinking I don't understand the meaning of delusional thoughts... but I do. A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception. I gave you the very tiny bit of fucked up thinking... my thoughts go as far as Daniel only got together with me to get a house or be set free. That he is going to leave me when he gets his son. That he doesn't really love me and he never has. He doesn't marry my because he is waiting for someone better and I am too emotionally and mentally unstable to marry. That he never wanted to be with me for as long as he has been with me. That he rather be with anyone else but me ALL THE TIME.
When Daniel and I met I had no money, no prospect of ever getting out of the giant debt hole I was in, I was still emotionally unstable, and he has sad many times his life would be perfect if ME and him had Evan here, he would finally have his family... his family being me and Evan... so none of those thoughts could be true. I also go into a deep dark place while having those thoughts... but I rather not get into it.
I know that nights events happened because of the seroquel xr. I could already feel the tiredness coming on before he became upset. I could feel this happy fuzzy feeling... it was a calm... a steady calm. When he started to react to something I said (which was me agreeing with him) I felt that calm, and I didn't react, and it was that calm that helped me to assess the situation and not react... I want to say not care, but I did care, I was just able to pull myself out of the situation and assess it.
Here is my dilema... I am so tired because of the seroquel and those moments only last for a few hours... I am hungry all the time... munchies hungry... and I can avoid that and make myself only eat at meals it's just annoying... if I gain weight I will not like it. I think it will be more detrimental to me than people think it will... mostly because I know myself better than anyone else. I've looked at a few other medications and the only two that don't seem to fuck people up are Topamax and Tegretol. I have taken Topamax and thinking back I remember that I didn't mind being really out of it... but at that time my life was awful and I'm sure they put me on such a high dose so that I didn't just slit my wrists... I don't want that. I enjoy knowing what is going on around me now and experiencing my life (for the most part)... I wonder if a low dose would help me, that I would be willing to do. The other thing is the weight loss, which in my ED mind is awesome, but I know that it would be a bad thing... to lose the weight I know I would on the topamax would be bad for me and medically dangerous (i'm not talking a 10-15 lb weight loss with how that medication affects me... we are talking 20-40 lbs). I know very little about the Tegretol. I guess my question is this: are the risks worth feeling what I felt that night I didn't react? I wanted so badly for Daniel to see what I saw that night. I wanted to say sorry and have him understand why I was saying it... that I was sorry for ingraining him to react to me that way... I wish I could be on a medication that could just even me out like the seroquel did that night... but all day. I saw how amazing my life could be if I wasn't completely consumed by these thoughts all the time. I prayed that night that God would give me that feeling again but have it last a whole day.
The terrible thoughts I have in my head keep me so stuck. Daniel says it's all in my head, and I hate to be a cliche and quote a Fiona Apple song, but honestly I do say so is everything, and he doesn't get it. He says it in a way that conveys he thinks I should be able to just shut it off like a switch, which is not possible. That night it was proven to me he is wrong and it isn't something I can just change on my own. I CAN change it, but I need help chemically to do so. That medication put up a wall and didn't let the delusions spill into my brain... it let me grow that night. so it's chemical... and i wish I could feel that moment again... for more than 30 minutes.
I'm sure you are reading thinking I don't understand the meaning of delusional thoughts... but I do. A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception. I gave you the very tiny bit of fucked up thinking... my thoughts go as far as Daniel only got together with me to get a house or be set free. That he is going to leave me when he gets his son. That he doesn't really love me and he never has. He doesn't marry my because he is waiting for someone better and I am too emotionally and mentally unstable to marry. That he never wanted to be with me for as long as he has been with me. That he rather be with anyone else but me ALL THE TIME.
When Daniel and I met I had no money, no prospect of ever getting out of the giant debt hole I was in, I was still emotionally unstable, and he has sad many times his life would be perfect if ME and him had Evan here, he would finally have his family... his family being me and Evan... so none of those thoughts could be true. I also go into a deep dark place while having those thoughts... but I rather not get into it.