(no subject)
The other day when I asked Daniel if he snuggled up to me the night before he did in fact do so. Which did make me feel better.
I was talking to my friend Jenn about her new love interest I call Cowboy. Well cowboy is pretty good looking, nice, and a good catch. Jenn has taken the last year to really look at her life and herself as a person. She has worked through a lot of issues and become very self aware, which I thoroughly appreciate. Anyways I asked her how thins with Cowboy were going. She said she is taking it slow as she has some issues to work on and so does he, but don't we all. I told her that's great. (this is going somewhere). She mention that she has attachment issues, and I reminded her we all do. She mentioned her issues were with secure attachment. Well I looked that shit up like I always do... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults and I started reading... now when Jenn and I talk we always go into therapy land and therapize everything. Our conversations are full of validating affirmations to one another and supportive language. Anyways... I start reading and see me in one of the attachment types...can you guess which one? Yes Anxious-preoccupied attachment. (jenn btw is the fearful one.)Anyways we were talking and it makes a lot of sense to me know why Daniel and I fight. See I can't tell what type Daniel is, but that doesn't really matter because I kept reading... while reading it talked about a person who has my attachment style will do the following: they will try to get a positive response. When they fail they will do one of two things try again but harder OR not try again and be hurt. When I try harder I become clingy and annoying (I know this it's ok) But I keep trying and over compensate, then I get hurt that I can't get what ever it is I am wanting/needing. Once I'm hurt I just pull away. Anyways while reading I remembered a diagnosis I got once while in treatment called Reactive Attachment Disorder... I asked Jenn (she was a counselor at an old center I went to)if I was diagnosed with RAD when I went to NH and she thought back and remembered yes. It is actually weird to diagnose someone with RAD at a later part in their life (as I was diagnosed the second time while at NH) but after reading about it again I definitely had some serious issues that matched the RAD diagnosis like a paint by numbers picture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder so I then start putting some things together. See I want to go to therapy... but I don't want to go and just talk about my week... I can do that with Emily anytime I want. When I go I want to work on what is making me struggle in my relationships so much. When I was reading about RAD I saw me as a child and then how fucked up I was as a teenager and in my very early 20's. I saw the growth I have made since I first started seeing Daniel, but I also saw that to a minor extent I still have those characteristics I did when I was a child... so I took what I read about the attachment styles and the RAD and realized although it is not the end all of why I suck at my relationship right now it was insightful.
Even with my ED, drugs, SI, and depression I have always searched for the reason. I do it with happiness too. When I learned that some people NEVER EVER want sex after being molested or raped but some are over-sexed my whole fucked up relationship about sex made so much sense to me and I didn't feel well... so fucked up lol. I'm not looking for an excuse "Priscilla this and this are going on and thats why you suck at life" I'm looking for a hint "priscilla this and this are going on and if you learn to understand it you can start to fix things..." I'm one of those people who need the first square of sudoku done for me so I can finish the rest of the puzzle.
So I think I am going to go to the new therapist with that nugget of info... yeah?
My doc put me on seroquel xr again. This time all those fucked side effects occurred on the first dose. By fucked side effects I mean the insatiable appetite. I promised I would try it one more day. It did make me very calm though... which was very weird and ironically unnerving... that alone made me not want to take it anymore. Well I gained 5-10lbs over night because I can feel it, I feel sick, and I am not one for laxies but I believe I could take one and it would help me (and not in an ED way). The munchies alone is enough to throw the pills in the drawer and never touch them again. My doc should have known better... Besides I looked up the side effects and one of them was weight gain and elevated blood sugar... I'm having a hard enough time as it is don't throw any of that on my plate. My feeling of calmness reminded me of topamax though so I might bring that up... but I would need a low dose of topamax since I'm an adult now and actually NEED my memory and the ability to function.
Ah, I also saw a movie called Mother and Child with Naomi Watts. It was about adoption. If you like movies that build their characters through out the film with a meaningful story line and you like to cry this movie is for you. I walked out of the movie writing a letter to my birth mother in my head... I decided on not actually writing it because unlike the movie my birth mother does not live in the suburbs of California like Annette Bening's character Karen... from the info I found on her she lives in a trailer park or a shit apartment building next to it... I'm not judging just stating a fact that not much seems to have changed from the information on my pink paper stating prior meth use and pot smoking... and the area she is in is still shitty not to mention the same city. But perhaps one day. Just a note, I don't want a relationship with my birth mother. I just want her medical history and to know what she looks like. Maternal relationships (except for one I still have with Blossom) have never failed in being a disappointment. I would just tell the woman (her name is Kim) she did the right thing and I am doing well. I'd send her my best picture and hope she sends one back. anyways I'm rambling...
p.s. read this book: Chelsea Handler- My Horizontal Life :) :) :) such a funny fucking book. :) A must read!
I was talking to my friend Jenn about her new love interest I call Cowboy. Well cowboy is pretty good looking, nice, and a good catch. Jenn has taken the last year to really look at her life and herself as a person. She has worked through a lot of issues and become very self aware, which I thoroughly appreciate. Anyways I asked her how thins with Cowboy were going. She said she is taking it slow as she has some issues to work on and so does he, but don't we all. I told her that's great. (this is going somewhere). She mention that she has attachment issues, and I reminded her we all do. She mentioned her issues were with secure attachment. Well I looked that shit up like I always do... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults and I started reading... now when Jenn and I talk we always go into therapy land and therapize everything. Our conversations are full of validating affirmations to one another and supportive language. Anyways... I start reading and see me in one of the attachment types...can you guess which one? Yes Anxious-preoccupied attachment. (jenn btw is the fearful one.)Anyways we were talking and it makes a lot of sense to me know why Daniel and I fight. See I can't tell what type Daniel is, but that doesn't really matter because I kept reading... while reading it talked about a person who has my attachment style will do the following: they will try to get a positive response. When they fail they will do one of two things try again but harder OR not try again and be hurt. When I try harder I become clingy and annoying (I know this it's ok) But I keep trying and over compensate, then I get hurt that I can't get what ever it is I am wanting/needing. Once I'm hurt I just pull away. Anyways while reading I remembered a diagnosis I got once while in treatment called Reactive Attachment Disorder... I asked Jenn (she was a counselor at an old center I went to)if I was diagnosed with RAD when I went to NH and she thought back and remembered yes. It is actually weird to diagnose someone with RAD at a later part in their life (as I was diagnosed the second time while at NH) but after reading about it again I definitely had some serious issues that matched the RAD diagnosis like a paint by numbers picture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder so I then start putting some things together. See I want to go to therapy... but I don't want to go and just talk about my week... I can do that with Emily anytime I want. When I go I want to work on what is making me struggle in my relationships so much. When I was reading about RAD I saw me as a child and then how fucked up I was as a teenager and in my very early 20's. I saw the growth I have made since I first started seeing Daniel, but I also saw that to a minor extent I still have those characteristics I did when I was a child... so I took what I read about the attachment styles and the RAD and realized although it is not the end all of why I suck at my relationship right now it was insightful.
Even with my ED, drugs, SI, and depression I have always searched for the reason. I do it with happiness too. When I learned that some people NEVER EVER want sex after being molested or raped but some are over-sexed my whole fucked up relationship about sex made so much sense to me and I didn't feel well... so fucked up lol. I'm not looking for an excuse "Priscilla this and this are going on and thats why you suck at life" I'm looking for a hint "priscilla this and this are going on and if you learn to understand it you can start to fix things..." I'm one of those people who need the first square of sudoku done for me so I can finish the rest of the puzzle.
So I think I am going to go to the new therapist with that nugget of info... yeah?
My doc put me on seroquel xr again. This time all those fucked side effects occurred on the first dose. By fucked side effects I mean the insatiable appetite. I promised I would try it one more day. It did make me very calm though... which was very weird and ironically unnerving... that alone made me not want to take it anymore. Well I gained 5-10lbs over night because I can feel it, I feel sick, and I am not one for laxies but I believe I could take one and it would help me (and not in an ED way). The munchies alone is enough to throw the pills in the drawer and never touch them again. My doc should have known better... Besides I looked up the side effects and one of them was weight gain and elevated blood sugar... I'm having a hard enough time as it is don't throw any of that on my plate. My feeling of calmness reminded me of topamax though so I might bring that up... but I would need a low dose of topamax since I'm an adult now and actually NEED my memory and the ability to function.
Ah, I also saw a movie called Mother and Child with Naomi Watts. It was about adoption. If you like movies that build their characters through out the film with a meaningful story line and you like to cry this movie is for you. I walked out of the movie writing a letter to my birth mother in my head... I decided on not actually writing it because unlike the movie my birth mother does not live in the suburbs of California like Annette Bening's character Karen... from the info I found on her she lives in a trailer park or a shit apartment building next to it... I'm not judging just stating a fact that not much seems to have changed from the information on my pink paper stating prior meth use and pot smoking... and the area she is in is still shitty not to mention the same city. But perhaps one day. Just a note, I don't want a relationship with my birth mother. I just want her medical history and to know what she looks like. Maternal relationships (except for one I still have with Blossom) have never failed in being a disappointment. I would just tell the woman (her name is Kim) she did the right thing and I am doing well. I'd send her my best picture and hope she sends one back. anyways I'm rambling...
p.s. read this book: Chelsea Handler- My Horizontal Life :) :) :) such a funny fucking book. :) A must read!