used and abused

[xreigninflame]

GOD for like that last 1 and 1/2 weeks i have felt off, not right, like i was missing something. i was ansy and wanting to fight. i wanted to be left alone but at the same time just hold on to someone. i felt wrong. i felt like idk just off key. well now i figured out why. i have a mutual friend with a x of mine. i still have feeling for her but cant express them because she broke up with me and all so that would be wrong. ok fine whatever it hurts but i can live. well this mutal friend told me why she broke up, well really why she dated me for 3 days and broke up with me. God this hurts so much to talk about. she dated me to see if she would like it. not out of feelings or just to humuor me. because she wanted to know if she liked it. well dont life suck now. yep it sure does. now i know that i have feelings for someone that used me and never had feelings for me at all. i thought she did. i mean i thought thats why u dated someone was because you liked em. and thinking apon this i began to relize how much im used. im used alot. what do i get, NOTHING. damn it hurts so much. to do something for someone and get nothing back. so now i have to think, is it worth it, is it worth it to have faith in people, to risk being so crushed so hurt so unloved. the answer not really. so is this why i have asked someone else out. no. i asked her out because i thought that was what was missing in my life. now i know that its what fucked up my life. everyone uses me. and i thought i was using them. shit. how can i be so blind so dumb. she never called me. ever. we hardly talked. i emailed her ask for her forgiveness for something i can never be forgiven for. i asked to be fogeven for putting her in a position to break her beliefs. i was such a fool. hell i still am. here i am messing around with a kids girl who lives 3 houses down from me and hates me because i talk to her and see her more then he does. i know she has no feelings for me. but im starting to think that i have feelings for her. so guess what. im in the same freaking boat. damn i need to feel loved. not the loved from a parent or a friend. i have that i know i do. i need someone i can talk to about the stars at night someone i can just shit there and hug and not feel bad. someone that i can look at smile and think about the night sky (which i think is one of the most beautiful things there is). i need confidence again. but how can i put faith in someone again. everytime i do i think of what happened and stop. i hate being alone. i want it to stop. but it all i have ever known. i have built so many walls that im not me anymore. i know who me is but it cant show. im afriad. for the first time in a very long time i am truely scared. i dont know what to do. where to go. who i can turn to. who has faith in me. crap. how can one person make someone elses life so hard. is it worth it. i look at people who are care free. have what they wish for. have what they need. then i look at me. who is living in a dream. who has no faith. in anything. not even himself. no one wants that. no one wants to be with that. but i cant do anything. i know nothing else. it has taken me 16 years to figure something out. i know nothing. truely nothing. yea ok so i know a bit about computers. other then a job how is that going to help me. its not. what i need to know, how to dance, how to talk, how to feel, how to cry i dont know. well ok i can dance a little. but i mean, how be a good person i have no idea how to be. i try to give what i think people want. is it enough of course not. they want more. more more more. so i give hoping that it will pay off. i wonder how many people have looked at me and said "wow that kid is fucked up". most i bet. i want to be normal. i want to be loved by people. i want people to reconize me. so i act like an ass. i make fun of my self. allow my self to be pushed around. but its not me. im not loud. im not abnoxious. im quiet and easy going. im smart but know one knows it unless they want to know it. but i ca never be that person. hes the kid that i never remebered. hes the kid that is used and forgotten. but wait im used and forgotten now. but i have people who use me alot.

ahhh im so lost
i want to believe but to believe you have to have faith. faith is one word that was broken with one simple sentence.