Lj Idol Week 5- Afterthought

[xreesex]

The silence surrounds us, a combination of distance and too much rum. We'd wasted no time hitting the bar, and your clothes still smell like the airplane- stale and worn

Comments

[shaido]

Excellent.

My only suggestion would be to make sure not to slip from present tense, to past tense. First and second sentence, but apart from that, great.

[xreesex]

I didn't slip tense. She's saying that they hadn't wasted time and thats why his clothes still smell like the airport. Maybe I should say "we HAD wasted no time, and..."

Thanks!

[shaido]

Try this:

"We waste no time hitting the bar, your clothes still smelling like the airplane- stale and worn."

[shaido]

Or better yet:

"We waste no time hitting the bar, and your clothes still smell like the airplane- stale and worn."

Wasted = past tense.

[shaido]

And I'm being a douche.

[xreesex]

You're not, I know you just want to help!

[xreesex]

I like my version better, but thanks for the suggestions.

[drjeff]

Ha! This is exactly how I'm going to word this next time. Perfect.

[alphaloria]

It works and didn't feel like a tense slip to me. "We wasted" would have seemed more like a tense slip than "we'd wasted." Maybe "we have wasted" instead of "we had"? Now I'm curious to find out what's technically correct - not to play Grammar Police, just because I'm a little OCD. :)

In any case, this was a great entry!