Big Wheel on a Cloud
So I woke up this morning with the strange notion that I'm not going to die. There is still a not in my stomach, but it sits further and its so small that it just feels like my normal anxiety again. I should mention that I'm comparing it to the size it was yesterday evening. I was having a pretty big panick attack, and I realized it happened mainly in my gut. I remember reading somewhere (I think it's The Maker's Diet) that we have two brains: one is the actual brain we have in our skull, the other, apparently just as intricate, sits in our gut. I realize now that nothing is wrong with my brain...the problem is controlling brain No. 2. (pardon the pun).
I couldn't deal with the anxiety of going on an airplane anymore. It was never this bad before and I don't get why all of a sudden, I'm so damn sure that plane will be my coffin. So yesterday at 8pm I decided I wasn't going to let my fear get the best of me. I started meditating, stating whatever affirmation came through my head, applying reiki on myself, visualizing and repeating mantras in Sanskrit. I do this for an hour (I'm pretty relaxed at this point) and go to bed. I woke up at 3am and I think it was around 4:30 when I fell back asleep. I was so sure my alarm was on but it wasn't. I woke up at 8:30, quite refreshed. I dreamt I was kidnapped and my attackers starting digging what was going to be my grave. I managed to escape and cry for help. People came and I was saved. I felt smug. And I woke up feeling smug. I suddenly feel like I'm not going to die anymore. Well, not for a while anyway. I have a new appreciation for life. I decided I wasted enough time being afraid of dying. I also realised that most of my anxiety doesn't come from the fear of failing or dying, but from wanting to live too much. I need to pack in so much in so little time that I'm barely aware I'm existing. Well, fuck it. This morning my legs aren't shaved and I'm wearing my high heels anyway. (My dream involved many awesome shoes that I was packing for Edmonton...) I walked to work not with confidence, but outright defiance, "Try and kill me!" Then I walked straight by Thyme and Again, where I usually buy a bran muffin, then straight by Bridgehead where I usually have a muesli muffin, but actually stopped for the first time at the Bakery and purchased a scone and a cookie for breakfast.
Then I waltzed in to work at 9:45am. Things will get done in their time.
I couldn't deal with the anxiety of going on an airplane anymore. It was never this bad before and I don't get why all of a sudden, I'm so damn sure that plane will be my coffin. So yesterday at 8pm I decided I wasn't going to let my fear get the best of me. I started meditating, stating whatever affirmation came through my head, applying reiki on myself, visualizing and repeating mantras in Sanskrit. I do this for an hour (I'm pretty relaxed at this point) and go to bed. I woke up at 3am and I think it was around 4:30 when I fell back asleep. I was so sure my alarm was on but it wasn't. I woke up at 8:30, quite refreshed. I dreamt I was kidnapped and my attackers starting digging what was going to be my grave. I managed to escape and cry for help. People came and I was saved. I felt smug. And I woke up feeling smug. I suddenly feel like I'm not going to die anymore. Well, not for a while anyway. I have a new appreciation for life. I decided I wasted enough time being afraid of dying. I also realised that most of my anxiety doesn't come from the fear of failing or dying, but from wanting to live too much. I need to pack in so much in so little time that I'm barely aware I'm existing. Well, fuck it. This morning my legs aren't shaved and I'm wearing my high heels anyway. (My dream involved many awesome shoes that I was packing for Edmonton...) I walked to work not with confidence, but outright defiance, "Try and kill me!" Then I walked straight by Thyme and Again, where I usually buy a bran muffin, then straight by Bridgehead where I usually have a muesli muffin, but actually stopped for the first time at the Bakery and purchased a scone and a cookie for breakfast.
Then I waltzed in to work at 9:45am. Things will get done in their time.