Where do I go?
Old feelings, Old friends some patterns are worth repeating. I have a lot of heavy family shit going on right now and I am close to exploding with it. I promised my mother that I wouldn't tell anyone and enough people on here know me personally. I will write about it when I can the specifics anyway. The general of it is yet again I have to step up and be the adult and bear the brunt of the pain. My apathy makes me perfect for this, or is it why I am apathetic? I always had to stand up and 'be the man' when no one else was willing to. I remember making the coffee and turning on the shower and forcing my parents in there when my grandma died. I remember talking to my pastor at 4 am that morning giving him directions to the funeral home that she had chosen. I knew which one because I talked to the lawyer while they were all bawling in the backround I was only 13. The rest of my innocence would be taken that next year. I can't helpbut flinch at shadows. I remember my brother clutching his bible like it would protect him. I remember picking out my fathers tie and running a brush through my mothers hair. This is eating me up but I am drowning the noise with alcohol just as I have learned to do. I have the feeling that disaster is close.