Hearts On Parade
It is time once again to use my journal as my shrink and spew forth this word vomit circling my brain. There are some things that I need to write down just for the catharsis and there are people that I need to thank whether they read this or not it needs to be said. I have been bothered lately by my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I think it is always something that I will struggle with and I will never be okay with the skin that I am in. It causes me to distrust the motives of others no matter how well intentioned it seems. I only question you because I have become accustomed to being used and a lot of it I have allowed. When I was young and first began exploring my sexuality, both hetero and not, I learned that I was never good enough. I did not have the right face or body to make me wanted for that but I seemed to be a natural at sex or sexual things. Nobody wanted to be in a relationship with me but I was always the one to fool around with because of the pleasure I could give. I used this to my advantage because I always thought that something was better than nothing.
One of the very first people that I messed around with was very into the S&M thing. I learned to love pain during sex because I felt that I deserved it- that without pain there could be no pleasure. Now when I am with someone I have to control myself so much because I fear that I will hurt them. This is how I can shut my emotions off and make my skin numb to touch. Now for the thank yous:
First off is Rachel because she taught me more about love than anyone else. I never knew what love was till I met her, it was love at first sight for me, I also never knew such pain. I discovered that being in love is like trying to balance on a razors edge. I am content just to be around her now and she has proved to be one of the best friends anyone could ask for. Although we sometimes go months without seeing one another as soon as we do it's like we haven't been apart. I don't think I will ever get over my skin-hunger for you though for whenever I am near you I have to touch you, hug you, or hold hands with you. I am pleased to know that you no longer cause that physical ache in my heart and all things lower. Though I want to be near you I no longer want to have sex with you. It has taken years for me to get to this place and I always feared that I could never be around you again without my pulse rushing and my head swimming.
Thank you to Steve for proving my theory that love is love and that personality is more important than the physical person. I really wasn't lying when I said that I loved you because I really did. I thought it would be easy for you to accept that I broke up with you because you were a man than the fact that you are an ass.
You taught me a lesson Dana, that I had almost forgotten. You helped take me back to pain and a lower depth of darkness that I hadn't known in years. You hurt me more than anyone else ever has and you never even had to bleed me. That takes a lot of talent to be so selfish and cruel. I don't know if I will get over this anger anytime soon but I am trying to be the better person but you make it awfully hard most of the time. "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. It's hard to be the better man when you're still lying."
Crystal, I can never say thank you enough how much you have helped me get through this year. There were times when I had the blade poised to end it all and just you're voice on the other end of the line telling me that I mattered took me off that ledge. Thank you for reminding me that I am worthy and that I don't always have to settle for what is in front of me. Thank you for telling me that sex isn't all that I have to give and that I am a good person. Thank you for validating my thoughts and telling me that I was right. Thanks for just being the truest friend that I have ever known and the first person that I feel that I can rely on.
Lindsay, my love, thank you for allowing me to be myself and still loving me like you do. I have never known such uncompromising passion before. You have given all of yourself to me and I will treat it like the precious commodity it is. Please stop comparing me to him though. Even though you asy I am the only lover that is better than him I just don't want my name in the same breath as his. I know that you loved him fiercly and that you always will but remember what he did to you. I could never hurt you like that; I have never touched a woman out of anger in my life and I hope to goddess I never will. I know he was the first real love you felt but let me assure you that you do not need someone to control you to love you, making you bleed does not prove love. I have known too many women that have been victimized and it makes my heart hurt sometimes. If he ever comes near you again, whether we are lovers or no I will hurt him. I don't care what he means to you.
To my LJ and online friends who have spent nights up with me, no matter the time difference, to listen to me bitch and whine my emo soul out. Thank you for saying I was beautiful without even seeing a picture but by my words alone. I hope to one day see all of you....
One of the very first people that I messed around with was very into the S&M thing. I learned to love pain during sex because I felt that I deserved it- that without pain there could be no pleasure. Now when I am with someone I have to control myself so much because I fear that I will hurt them. This is how I can shut my emotions off and make my skin numb to touch. Now for the thank yous:
First off is Rachel because she taught me more about love than anyone else. I never knew what love was till I met her, it was love at first sight for me, I also never knew such pain. I discovered that being in love is like trying to balance on a razors edge. I am content just to be around her now and she has proved to be one of the best friends anyone could ask for. Although we sometimes go months without seeing one another as soon as we do it's like we haven't been apart. I don't think I will ever get over my skin-hunger for you though for whenever I am near you I have to touch you, hug you, or hold hands with you. I am pleased to know that you no longer cause that physical ache in my heart and all things lower. Though I want to be near you I no longer want to have sex with you. It has taken years for me to get to this place and I always feared that I could never be around you again without my pulse rushing and my head swimming.
Thank you to Steve for proving my theory that love is love and that personality is more important than the physical person. I really wasn't lying when I said that I loved you because I really did. I thought it would be easy for you to accept that I broke up with you because you were a man than the fact that you are an ass.
You taught me a lesson Dana, that I had almost forgotten. You helped take me back to pain and a lower depth of darkness that I hadn't known in years. You hurt me more than anyone else ever has and you never even had to bleed me. That takes a lot of talent to be so selfish and cruel. I don't know if I will get over this anger anytime soon but I am trying to be the better person but you make it awfully hard most of the time. "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. It's hard to be the better man when you're still lying."
Crystal, I can never say thank you enough how much you have helped me get through this year. There were times when I had the blade poised to end it all and just you're voice on the other end of the line telling me that I mattered took me off that ledge. Thank you for reminding me that I am worthy and that I don't always have to settle for what is in front of me. Thank you for telling me that sex isn't all that I have to give and that I am a good person. Thank you for validating my thoughts and telling me that I was right. Thanks for just being the truest friend that I have ever known and the first person that I feel that I can rely on.
Lindsay, my love, thank you for allowing me to be myself and still loving me like you do. I have never known such uncompromising passion before. You have given all of yourself to me and I will treat it like the precious commodity it is. Please stop comparing me to him though. Even though you asy I am the only lover that is better than him I just don't want my name in the same breath as his. I know that you loved him fiercly and that you always will but remember what he did to you. I could never hurt you like that; I have never touched a woman out of anger in my life and I hope to goddess I never will. I know he was the first real love you felt but let me assure you that you do not need someone to control you to love you, making you bleed does not prove love. I have known too many women that have been victimized and it makes my heart hurt sometimes. If he ever comes near you again, whether we are lovers or no I will hurt him. I don't care what he means to you.
To my LJ and online friends who have spent nights up with me, no matter the time difference, to listen to me bitch and whine my emo soul out. Thank you for saying I was beautiful without even seeing a picture but by my words alone. I hope to one day see all of you....