look who's fucking back
I know xD abandoned for more than a year, if not more. I know, i've never been that much into LJ anyway. I just changed the layout because i was sick of that horrendous thing i did.
This should be posted in somewhere like my blog, but still i'm pretty mad at greymatter and i really don't feel like trying to make it work propperly (i've been trying these days and i still can't find a way to make the fucking latin accents to work propperly and not being replaced with weird symbols), so fuck it, i'm gonna post here from now and then. I don't know what i'm gonna do with my domain either, i even thought of stop making my brother pay for it, i'm really not giving it any use other than the fanlistings i own and sometimes use the space to host pictures and such. Then i think of all the websites to store files and pictures for free nowadays and it really pisses me off, but like, for one strange reason i still wanna keep it. I'm probably gonna try again later with greymatter or any other posting software, but at the moment i'm just gonna leave it like that and I'm gonna start vomiting my thoughts here, at least for a while. Period.
Totally changing subjects, i'm currently in Canada as you probably all know by now. I'm going back to Buenos Aires this sunday, i'm arriving next monday. And, believe it or not, i wanna get there right fucking now. Not because i'm mad at my brother, not because i wanna go and see miss CFK (still laughing at the fucking nickname), and precisely NOT because i wanna start going to college again, but because i fucking miss a lot from there. I miss my dad believe it or not), I miss my friends, my cats, my dog, my place, my room, my house, my fucking country. Even though it's really fucked up there, even though we're gonna have a hard time now (my mom's getting late for the first day of work for teachers and she's probably not going to recieve the pay of this month, which is really bad) and i'll probably have to start working this year because thanks to the world crisis my dad isn't making any profits at work. Even though i probably won't have internet yet when i arrive, i just really don't care. I wanna get there as soon as possible. I never thought this was going to be that hard, you know?, that i would feel so much need of being home again, but i do. I feel too fucking weird here, even though i'm with my brother, who i always miss so much while i'm not here, but still... idk. It just felt weird. Actually, my stay here made me realize a couple things, but the principal one is... i'm not so sure anymore if i really wanna move here in the future. I mean, yeah, it's fantastic, you have no worries, you are really free to do whatever the fuck you like; you can totally go out at 3 am to take a walk without fear of you being kidnaped, killed or even robbed, you can actually save money and live decently, you get to see really beautiful landscapes, the gas, food and things in general are pretty cheap in comparision to the salaries, the medical services are really good... in general, you can come here and have a good life. But i'm afraid it's not enough for me, at least not now. It's really not. I haven't told a soul about this yet, i really don't wanna open my mouth because i might be confused or something (although deep inside me i kinda know i'm not), and i don't want people to freak out about me telling me stupid things as "oh, you're a fucking brat, you don't even know what the fuck you want, you know the papers and proceedures are already working on, so it's just a matter of time for you to get the residence, those things cost a lot of money, blah blah...". I'm really afraid of that talk, actually. I don't wanna have it. I don't wanna upset anybody, i just don't want more fights. I know hiding away and shutting things up aren't the solution at all (i think i learned that pretty well already), i just don't know what to do. I don't want to have the conversation either because i'm afraid i'm gonna hurt my brother's feelings, and i really don't want that. I love him with all my life, even though we have fights sometimes, even though we disagree on many things just as we act on the same way with many others. I ove him, and i really don't want him to think that i don't wanna move with him or anything like that, i just... i don't think i'm prepared. It takes a big amount of maturity i still don't have, and i don't even know if i'm ever gonna be mature enough to do it.
At least that's how i'm feeling right now.
This should be posted in somewhere like my blog, but still i'm pretty mad at greymatter and i really don't feel like trying to make it work propperly (i've been trying these days and i still can't find a way to make the fucking latin accents to work propperly and not being replaced with weird symbols), so fuck it, i'm gonna post here from now and then. I don't know what i'm gonna do with my domain either, i even thought of stop making my brother pay for it, i'm really not giving it any use other than the fanlistings i own and sometimes use the space to host pictures and such. Then i think of all the websites to store files and pictures for free nowadays and it really pisses me off, but like, for one strange reason i still wanna keep it. I'm probably gonna try again later with greymatter or any other posting software, but at the moment i'm just gonna leave it like that and I'm gonna start vomiting my thoughts here, at least for a while. Period.
Totally changing subjects, i'm currently in Canada as you probably all know by now. I'm going back to Buenos Aires this sunday, i'm arriving next monday. And, believe it or not, i wanna get there right fucking now. Not because i'm mad at my brother, not because i wanna go and see miss CFK (still laughing at the fucking nickname), and precisely NOT because i wanna start going to college again, but because i fucking miss a lot from there. I miss my dad believe it or not), I miss my friends, my cats, my dog, my place, my room, my house, my fucking country. Even though it's really fucked up there, even though we're gonna have a hard time now (my mom's getting late for the first day of work for teachers and she's probably not going to recieve the pay of this month, which is really bad) and i'll probably have to start working this year because thanks to the world crisis my dad isn't making any profits at work. Even though i probably won't have internet yet when i arrive, i just really don't care. I wanna get there as soon as possible. I never thought this was going to be that hard, you know?, that i would feel so much need of being home again, but i do. I feel too fucking weird here, even though i'm with my brother, who i always miss so much while i'm not here, but still... idk. It just felt weird. Actually, my stay here made me realize a couple things, but the principal one is... i'm not so sure anymore if i really wanna move here in the future. I mean, yeah, it's fantastic, you have no worries, you are really free to do whatever the fuck you like; you can totally go out at 3 am to take a walk without fear of you being kidnaped, killed or even robbed, you can actually save money and live decently, you get to see really beautiful landscapes, the gas, food and things in general are pretty cheap in comparision to the salaries, the medical services are really good... in general, you can come here and have a good life. But i'm afraid it's not enough for me, at least not now. It's really not. I haven't told a soul about this yet, i really don't wanna open my mouth because i might be confused or something (although deep inside me i kinda know i'm not), and i don't want people to freak out about me telling me stupid things as "oh, you're a fucking brat, you don't even know what the fuck you want, you know the papers and proceedures are already working on, so it's just a matter of time for you to get the residence, those things cost a lot of money, blah blah...". I'm really afraid of that talk, actually. I don't wanna have it. I don't wanna upset anybody, i just don't want more fights. I know hiding away and shutting things up aren't the solution at all (i think i learned that pretty well already), i just don't know what to do. I don't want to have the conversation either because i'm afraid i'm gonna hurt my brother's feelings, and i really don't want that. I love him with all my life, even though we have fights sometimes, even though we disagree on many things just as we act on the same way with many others. I ove him, and i really don't want him to think that i don't wanna move with him or anything like that, i just... i don't think i'm prepared. It takes a big amount of maturity i still don't have, and i don't even know if i'm ever gonna be mature enough to do it.
At least that's how i'm feeling right now.