hummm...
well...its been a while since i updated, and dont really know why i have this account, no one other than Har and maybe the occasional Jeremy will ever come, but oh well....i shall post anyways...
latly, i dont know, a lot of crap has been going on. Im more confused and lost than ever and i dont really ever feel happy anymore. Last night i was in Austin with the guys after my fater became really upset with me, and i went walking really late because the guys were all at work or crashed and i wanted to get out. I went to the cafe i got to when im there, and i just kind of read and watched people come and go. after a while, i went walking to some streets that i dont go to much, i saw all these people, and they seemed so happy, so content, like nothing in the world could bother them or bring them down. I sipped on my coffee and pondered this. I envied them, i really did. The majority of them were out drinking and hooking up and having so much fun. I know that most of them would probly be going back to their troubled lives of college and paying for their rent while trying to maintain a job and high grades and possibly their stalker ex and their crazy roomate who always puts a red sock in with the whites, but at that moment, they were so happy, so content with life, doing something i know i could never do.
At times, i hate myself, more than i ever hated anything. I hate that i could never drink or smoke or do something to get my mind off of things. I know that its probly a stupid thing to hate yourself for, but all these people are so happy, and i wish i could just relaxs a bit and loosen up and maybe have a beer on the weekends like most kids do. If not that, then at least be able to go clubbing and have a cute guy start hitting on me. I hate that i could never do that. I could never go partying like the people from last night, i would just sit there, bobbing my head to the terrible music because i dont dance, and i dont drink. I dont wear revealing clothes, so i doubt that any cute guy would come up to me, and im not pretty, so they wouldnt be doing that ethier. plus, once they found out that im a virgin and plan on being one untill the "right time", they'd probly leave in a heart beat. and I hate that about me. I hate that i think sex is disgusing and that i think it should only be for when you've been with someone for a long long time and you will probly marry that person. I hate that people will think of me as a wierdo for being a virgin untill ive dated my boyfriend for at least 4 years, and im long gone out of highschool. I also hate that im so shy at times. I hate that i cant be myself if i feel aquward. If im with people who arnt like me or that ill see again for a while, i wont be myself. I hate that about me, becaue then people think im too quite or normal, and thats not me at all. I hate that i am one person to some people and another to others. I hate that i am someone whom would rather sit in my room and write poetry rather than go to a party or out with a group of friends. I hate that i wish i could chage my appearance, but never really have the guts to. I hate that i am me at times, and i hate that i hate myself.
as i continued walking and browsing little stores, i realized though, that i am happy that i am not like them. I do love myself at times too. For almost the same reasons that I hate myself. I love that i can have respect for myself and realize that i dont need drugs or alcohol to make me happy. I love that even though ive lost a lot of people to drugs and alcohol, that i am smart enough to not allow myself to become addicted to it. I love the fact that i can be myself when i want, and when i dont, people never really notice too much. I love that i can be content by myself with my music and books, and then can also have a blast with people and make a fool of myself and be real hyper. I love that my idea of a fun time is compleatly different than others. I love how i dont care what people think and that i can, and will, wear whatever i want and do whatever i please. I love how i am shy and i blush a lot and that people consider me cute and beautiful. I love how people think i have a mysterious glow and that someone can know a lot about me and know me for a long time, but i can still suprise them with things of my past and things that i think and belive.
Im not quite sure at what im getting at, and right now, my dads on his way home, and so, i must get off and i think im just going to go write some more poems. Ill post more later, if i get the chance....
latly, i dont know, a lot of crap has been going on. Im more confused and lost than ever and i dont really ever feel happy anymore. Last night i was in Austin with the guys after my fater became really upset with me, and i went walking really late because the guys were all at work or crashed and i wanted to get out. I went to the cafe i got to when im there, and i just kind of read and watched people come and go. after a while, i went walking to some streets that i dont go to much, i saw all these people, and they seemed so happy, so content, like nothing in the world could bother them or bring them down. I sipped on my coffee and pondered this. I envied them, i really did. The majority of them were out drinking and hooking up and having so much fun. I know that most of them would probly be going back to their troubled lives of college and paying for their rent while trying to maintain a job and high grades and possibly their stalker ex and their crazy roomate who always puts a red sock in with the whites, but at that moment, they were so happy, so content with life, doing something i know i could never do.
At times, i hate myself, more than i ever hated anything. I hate that i could never drink or smoke or do something to get my mind off of things. I know that its probly a stupid thing to hate yourself for, but all these people are so happy, and i wish i could just relaxs a bit and loosen up and maybe have a beer on the weekends like most kids do. If not that, then at least be able to go clubbing and have a cute guy start hitting on me. I hate that i could never do that. I could never go partying like the people from last night, i would just sit there, bobbing my head to the terrible music because i dont dance, and i dont drink. I dont wear revealing clothes, so i doubt that any cute guy would come up to me, and im not pretty, so they wouldnt be doing that ethier. plus, once they found out that im a virgin and plan on being one untill the "right time", they'd probly leave in a heart beat. and I hate that about me. I hate that i think sex is disgusing and that i think it should only be for when you've been with someone for a long long time and you will probly marry that person. I hate that people will think of me as a wierdo for being a virgin untill ive dated my boyfriend for at least 4 years, and im long gone out of highschool. I also hate that im so shy at times. I hate that i cant be myself if i feel aquward. If im with people who arnt like me or that ill see again for a while, i wont be myself. I hate that about me, becaue then people think im too quite or normal, and thats not me at all. I hate that i am one person to some people and another to others. I hate that i am someone whom would rather sit in my room and write poetry rather than go to a party or out with a group of friends. I hate that i wish i could chage my appearance, but never really have the guts to. I hate that i am me at times, and i hate that i hate myself.
as i continued walking and browsing little stores, i realized though, that i am happy that i am not like them. I do love myself at times too. For almost the same reasons that I hate myself. I love that i can have respect for myself and realize that i dont need drugs or alcohol to make me happy. I love that even though ive lost a lot of people to drugs and alcohol, that i am smart enough to not allow myself to become addicted to it. I love the fact that i can be myself when i want, and when i dont, people never really notice too much. I love that i can be content by myself with my music and books, and then can also have a blast with people and make a fool of myself and be real hyper. I love that my idea of a fun time is compleatly different than others. I love how i dont care what people think and that i can, and will, wear whatever i want and do whatever i please. I love how i am shy and i blush a lot and that people consider me cute and beautiful. I love how people think i have a mysterious glow and that someone can know a lot about me and know me for a long time, but i can still suprise them with things of my past and things that i think and belive.
Im not quite sure at what im getting at, and right now, my dads on his way home, and so, i must get off and i think im just going to go write some more poems. Ill post more later, if i get the chance....