fuck subjects...
sooo...i stopped wearing my seatbelt...i used to be super anal about wearing my seatbelt and everyone i know wearing their seatbelt because i feared the whole death thing..it seems that now i seek it out...
so im at serenas house...and i still feel like shit..the feeling of ruining her birthday still reeming in my head..if that even makes sense...i dont know i just feel fucked up about being outside during the whole thing...i dont know...
im going to miss mel...she is leaving and its only for what 10 days...but still these past few days...she has been there for me alot..and we bonded and it was awesome...
ok so have you ever not liked someone but seeing them hook up with someone else hurts..doesnt hurt..but is annoying frustrated...
I decided that i dont really care about dying anymore..it honestly seems like the only solution to my problems.. i keep contemplating cutting myself hoping that the extra dose of pain just might hit the spot...
I daydreamed today that i was getting out of melanies car infront of my apartment building and i was on the drivers side.. and i just got out...as a car was coming..and i knew it was coming..but i got out anyway..and it hit me...and i went flying..and it was the best feeling ive ever felt... i felt free like i was weightless...and mel jumped out and came to my side and i told her it was ok..she was crying because its what mel does cry...and i smiled at her...and held her hand and told her it was ok..i told her to tell my mom i loved her..and she cried some more and then i told her..with like my last breathe of air...and told her to always be strong and say whats on her mind.that everything would work out...and i died... and it was heaven...not the literal place..btu it was like my release from this life...and then i started crying to coheed....and it was a nice cry..but it sucked...
i dont know whats going on with nicole and jazmine anymore..i dont know what im suppsoed to do..i thought everything was getting better and its obviously not...i guess i really do just fuck things up...im the source of drama..right..im tired of feeling like its my fault...and i dont know what the hell im suppsoed to do anymore...i think nicole needs to stop..i love her..but its like she is feeding off the feeling of bing a victom...i dont mean this as a bad thing..because alot of ppl do it..but like she needs to realize that she doesnt always give people a chance to care about her..and she pushes people away..and if she ever reads this she would probably take it the wrong way..and if i ever told her she would probably take it the wrong way..all i can do is care for her..and thats what i do..but im not gonna be around forever..like if i keep feeling like im not cared about..i cant stay..but everythign will work out in time..
I made serena this awesome gift and i loved it...i really think she liked it..i wish i could have given her more...and im afraid of getting something for mel...im afraid she wont like it...
i dont feel pretty anymore...and my eyes regularly burn...and its harder for me to smile....as well as my jaw is starting to kill and my headaches are becoming the norm...im done with this...i honestly want to go home and just pinch myself really hard so that that i can take the pain away..i want to cut myself..and maybe this is a cry for help...but....whatever...
i feel alone...its my own fault....i dont care or have ambition...i dont want to work but i am trying to find a job...i also need to get my id..im such a fucking lagger lazy ass bitch..i dont care lol..i love saying i dont care when i know i do...
im too depressed...i want to walk home..maybe ill get shot accidently..wow this is sad....really sad..i need to stop.. or at least keep these thoughts to myself...
sorry to all my friends....
to no living end...today that sky is darker than my eyes have ever seen before..
t
so im at serenas house...and i still feel like shit..the feeling of ruining her birthday still reeming in my head..if that even makes sense...i dont know i just feel fucked up about being outside during the whole thing...i dont know...
im going to miss mel...she is leaving and its only for what 10 days...but still these past few days...she has been there for me alot..and we bonded and it was awesome...
ok so have you ever not liked someone but seeing them hook up with someone else hurts..doesnt hurt..but is annoying frustrated...
I decided that i dont really care about dying anymore..it honestly seems like the only solution to my problems.. i keep contemplating cutting myself hoping that the extra dose of pain just might hit the spot...
I daydreamed today that i was getting out of melanies car infront of my apartment building and i was on the drivers side.. and i just got out...as a car was coming..and i knew it was coming..but i got out anyway..and it hit me...and i went flying..and it was the best feeling ive ever felt... i felt free like i was weightless...and mel jumped out and came to my side and i told her it was ok..she was crying because its what mel does cry...and i smiled at her...and held her hand and told her it was ok..i told her to tell my mom i loved her..and she cried some more and then i told her..with like my last breathe of air...and told her to always be strong and say whats on her mind.that everything would work out...and i died... and it was heaven...not the literal place..btu it was like my release from this life...and then i started crying to coheed....and it was a nice cry..but it sucked...
i dont know whats going on with nicole and jazmine anymore..i dont know what im suppsoed to do..i thought everything was getting better and its obviously not...i guess i really do just fuck things up...im the source of drama..right..im tired of feeling like its my fault...and i dont know what the hell im suppsoed to do anymore...i think nicole needs to stop..i love her..but its like she is feeding off the feeling of bing a victom...i dont mean this as a bad thing..because alot of ppl do it..but like she needs to realize that she doesnt always give people a chance to care about her..and she pushes people away..and if she ever reads this she would probably take it the wrong way..and if i ever told her she would probably take it the wrong way..all i can do is care for her..and thats what i do..but im not gonna be around forever..like if i keep feeling like im not cared about..i cant stay..but everythign will work out in time..
I made serena this awesome gift and i loved it...i really think she liked it..i wish i could have given her more...and im afraid of getting something for mel...im afraid she wont like it...
i dont feel pretty anymore...and my eyes regularly burn...and its harder for me to smile....as well as my jaw is starting to kill and my headaches are becoming the norm...im done with this...i honestly want to go home and just pinch myself really hard so that that i can take the pain away..i want to cut myself..and maybe this is a cry for help...but....whatever...
i feel alone...its my own fault....i dont care or have ambition...i dont want to work but i am trying to find a job...i also need to get my id..im such a fucking lagger lazy ass bitch..i dont care lol..i love saying i dont care when i know i do...
im too depressed...i want to walk home..maybe ill get shot accidently..wow this is sad....really sad..i need to stop.. or at least keep these thoughts to myself...
sorry to all my friends....
to no living end...today that sky is darker than my eyes have ever seen before..
t