Tonight..
So..since im too much of a chicken shit to bring it up to people..it being problems or things that are bothering me...I dance around them and write things like this to see if people can guess what im feeling..i play games..
I walked tonight...somemthing i needed but i didnt take advantage of the time i was handed..well i did..just not in the way i needed. I talked to my favorite hugging partner tonight...which i needed. I miss him..alot in many different ways. Whats funny is i actually talked a great deal about him this weekend..and how his hardcore dancing makes me smile and really happy..one of the cutest things ive ever seen.
I really wish i had walked though..i wanted to cry all night...and as soon as i had time to do so (in the car listening to ashlee simpson with mel rena and desi) i couldnt. I tried SOO HARd to cry to get it out while i could. To sing loudly to the music and let the tears stream down my face softly..but i couldnt. I dont understand why..the only moment in my life i have had a full on chance to get things out without anyone noticing..and i couldnt do it. I failed myself.
I went through alot of trouble to get serena a present. I wanted to give it to her early for many reasons..and i did. I know she loved it..it will comfort her and make her feel free (something i dream of but will never get) she deserves it. I dont want to lose anymore people...
The conversation with my hugging buddy made me really conflicted. Im so tired of being associated with the old me..the me i dont want to be..the girl i grew from.. but how i feel doesnt matter... Everyone tells me to get over it...not dwell on the past..but i cant let go..i try so hard..
I want to go away..i want to meet a guy..who will take me away..i dont mean this in the fairtale sense..shit maybe i do. I want a guy who wants me to feel beautiful always. I want a guy who will just hold me when i cry. Who will take me to my favorite bands concert and kiss me in the middle of my favorite song. jesus i want so many things that im just not ready for... or that i just am not going to get.. lol i want what every girl wants..someone to love who loves them.
I also want friends...good friends...friends i wont fear will drop me easily.. but its my insecurities..and no one elses...
I walked tonight...somemthing i needed but i didnt take advantage of the time i was handed..well i did..just not in the way i needed. I talked to my favorite hugging partner tonight...which i needed. I miss him..alot in many different ways. Whats funny is i actually talked a great deal about him this weekend..and how his hardcore dancing makes me smile and really happy..one of the cutest things ive ever seen.
I really wish i had walked though..i wanted to cry all night...and as soon as i had time to do so (in the car listening to ashlee simpson with mel rena and desi) i couldnt. I tried SOO HARd to cry to get it out while i could. To sing loudly to the music and let the tears stream down my face softly..but i couldnt. I dont understand why..the only moment in my life i have had a full on chance to get things out without anyone noticing..and i couldnt do it. I failed myself.
I went through alot of trouble to get serena a present. I wanted to give it to her early for many reasons..and i did. I know she loved it..it will comfort her and make her feel free (something i dream of but will never get) she deserves it. I dont want to lose anymore people...
The conversation with my hugging buddy made me really conflicted. Im so tired of being associated with the old me..the me i dont want to be..the girl i grew from.. but how i feel doesnt matter... Everyone tells me to get over it...not dwell on the past..but i cant let go..i try so hard..
I want to go away..i want to meet a guy..who will take me away..i dont mean this in the fairtale sense..shit maybe i do. I want a guy who wants me to feel beautiful always. I want a guy who will just hold me when i cry. Who will take me to my favorite bands concert and kiss me in the middle of my favorite song. jesus i want so many things that im just not ready for... or that i just am not going to get.. lol i want what every girl wants..someone to love who loves them.
I also want friends...good friends...friends i wont fear will drop me easily.. but its my insecurities..and no one elses...