(no subject)
Unfortunately life is not a movie or a book. Life is not fair or easy. People make mistakes. Sometimes more than once. Things change.
Let's say you have a car like mine. Its missing some hubcaps, the mirror is broken, the engine light is on, maybe a light is out, a fuse is broken, and it needs an oil change. So you have this car and you ignore the problems for a while, so they get worse. More lights go out, you run out of oil, and the AC breaks. At this point, there's so much wrong its hard to know where to start. Sure, maybe the light and the fuse, maybe adding some oil. But those are like bandaids. Quick fixes to the small things. There are still bigger, more overwhelming problems. So you bring the car to the mechanic, you ask your friends for advice. And maybe one day you fix the brakes. And even when you think you fixed the engine light, it comes back on and you realize that perhaps you only treated the symptoms, but not the cause of the issue. But you're running out of time and money and energy to fix it, so you just keep on going. Because its easy. Because its habit. And hey its still running, right? The basic functions still work. And even if you fix those hubcaps and lights on the outside, you know there's still deeper issues that need to be solved. So, what do you do? Do you just abandon your car in a city and hope it gets stolen? Do you start from scratch and buy a new car? Or do you come up with a plan to fix each issue one by one in a way that makes sense?
Think of this as our relationship. There's some clear issues. Distance. Time. Money. Physical intimacy. Fun and excitement. And we ignored the issues for a long time. Some got worse. And some we put bandaids on. And some we said we would fix, but then never really put in the effort to make it happen. And even with the quick fixes, it wasn't always enough to address the overarching issues. And well, after all this time its gotten easy to become complacent. So now, for me, it feels as though you've chosen to abandon the car in a city. Give up. And I can't help but feel that that is honestly and truly the wrong answer.
You said the other day that things haven't changed. Everytime we try to start over it doesn't work and its the same old thing. But here's the difference. My mindset. I'm in this. I'm committed. Maybe enough for the both of us right now. I'm ready to make this a priority and attack those deeper issues. The intimacy issues. The lack of fun and excitement. Despite my past words and actions, I was never truly ready before. At times I thought I was, but my therapist sort of convinced me otherwise.
I know we are not those same 19 year old kids that had their first kiss as a "makeout contest"...we've grown and changed. A lot. But I feel as though we owe it to those two kids to give this one more shot...
I can promise you with absolute certainty that things would be different and better. I can promise to stop being so overbearing and mom like. I can promise to give you your freedom. I can promise to not be a boring 80 year old woman who plays house everytime we hang out. I can promise to be less bossy. I can promise to unload less of my stress onto you. Most of all, I can promise to love you unconditionally. I can promise to try new things. I can promise to understand the difference between clingy and putting in effort. I can promise to stay up all night with you. I can promise to watch 3:10 to Yuma and Bicentennial Man. I can promise to love Scarlett. I can promise to be less judgemental. I can promise you "leopard spots" and massage oil, and makeout contests. I can promise you fun coupons. I can promise you countless memories to leave the past of limbo in the dust. I can even promise to root for the Red Sox...
I said these words to you once and they made a difference then, so I'm hoping maybe they will make a difference now.
I know that things with us have not been right for a long time. And I know the past has been hard on you. Its been really hard on me too. But I feel like I am finally at the point where I am capable of making decisions, making big scary decisions. I've struggled for a while to learn about myself and what I want and what I need. Obviously therapy was a major step that I took and as I've mentioned before, I feel like everything is coming together in my life, more so now with family involved, and the only thing missing from the picture is you.
I know I haven't had the best behavior in terms of my relationships with other guys...but if its taught me anything its taught me that none of them are you. I'm always left hanging comparing them to you or how I felt with you and it never amounts to anything close. I have been so selfish, and I can't apologize enough for that.
I know our relationship took a turn for the worst when we lost the physical aspect, largely due to my health issues at the time. And I know its continued to be a bit of a struggle.
I also know we've had this conversation over and over in the past and yet we are still at this awful place today. And I blame myself for that as I feel like I've often said one thing and then acted another and not put my all into it. You are so undeserving of the way I have treated you. And I think that is part of why I struggle so much. I know how I feel about you, but I run away because I cannot forgive myself for the way I've treated you and for allowing things to get to this point. I sit here and say to myself, really? How did I manage to screw this up? And I get so hung up on all the things I've done wrong, I feel like I don't deserve you in my life. And that's when I push you away again or when I run to some other guy. I also get upset and run away because I don't always see you putting in effort. I know that you do SO much for me, you help me whenever I ask. You do just about anything I ask, without a complaint or second thought. But sometimes I just wish you would plan a surprise whale day or send me flowers at work, or make some sort of gesture to show that you want this. Sometimes I wish you wouldn't forget to call me back or I just wish I could be a priority to you again.
But the bottom line is you are my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without you and I know we could be happy together. You are the first person I call when I have news to share, whether its bad or good. You are the last person I talk to before I go to bed. And I want you to know that I'm in. If you are willing to take one last leap of faith with me, give me one last chance to show you that we could be us again, and if not us exactly, some better amazing version of us. I've been waiting for way too long for some magical moment that I would be able to identify as the "right time" for fixing us. And I think I realize now, that there is no right time. Its going to be hard and its not always going to be a fairytale. We might not always agree, but I can promise you it will be worth it.
But at the end of the day, you are the person I want next to me. You are the person I want to introduce as my boyfriend. I know I can't make you feel anything you don't feel. But if there is even the slightest bit of you in there that still loves me or has hope, give me a chance. Even if there's not, at this point you're still investedm even if you think you've checked out. It's like in poker when you've put in your bets and someone wants to push you all in, but you're unsure...but at this point you are "pot committed". There is so much of your money already in the pot, it wouldn't make statistical sense not to take that chance. After all this time, after 5.5 years, after the hell you've been through with limbo, it wouldn't make sense not to give it one more chance after all the time and money and memories.
We can take things slow. We can get to know each other again, go on meaningful dates, have fun without food, find ways to be frugal and still have fun, fall in love again. We can set boundaries and expectations if you want. I have a list of all of the cool things we can do...
YOU are without a doubt the love of my life, and I'd never forgive myself for letting you go or letting you go without giving it everything I had. We ARE a great team. We compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses so well. I have no doubt that there's nothing we couldn't accomplish together if we tried.
So maybe you have this crappy car like mine, and maybe you think you don't want it anymore. I want something new, something with less stress and problems. But what happens with a fresh coat of paint and fixing the big issues one by one...it starts to run like new. All cars require maintenance, as do relationships. Even ones that have been through multiple accidents. Sometimes even restored cars, like that 69 Firebird, they just needed some TLC, but ultimately are still winners. And sometimes, those are the most reliable and well loved.
Let's say you have a car like mine. Its missing some hubcaps, the mirror is broken, the engine light is on, maybe a light is out, a fuse is broken, and it needs an oil change. So you have this car and you ignore the problems for a while, so they get worse. More lights go out, you run out of oil, and the AC breaks. At this point, there's so much wrong its hard to know where to start. Sure, maybe the light and the fuse, maybe adding some oil. But those are like bandaids. Quick fixes to the small things. There are still bigger, more overwhelming problems. So you bring the car to the mechanic, you ask your friends for advice. And maybe one day you fix the brakes. And even when you think you fixed the engine light, it comes back on and you realize that perhaps you only treated the symptoms, but not the cause of the issue. But you're running out of time and money and energy to fix it, so you just keep on going. Because its easy. Because its habit. And hey its still running, right? The basic functions still work. And even if you fix those hubcaps and lights on the outside, you know there's still deeper issues that need to be solved. So, what do you do? Do you just abandon your car in a city and hope it gets stolen? Do you start from scratch and buy a new car? Or do you come up with a plan to fix each issue one by one in a way that makes sense?
Think of this as our relationship. There's some clear issues. Distance. Time. Money. Physical intimacy. Fun and excitement. And we ignored the issues for a long time. Some got worse. And some we put bandaids on. And some we said we would fix, but then never really put in the effort to make it happen. And even with the quick fixes, it wasn't always enough to address the overarching issues. And well, after all this time its gotten easy to become complacent. So now, for me, it feels as though you've chosen to abandon the car in a city. Give up. And I can't help but feel that that is honestly and truly the wrong answer.
You said the other day that things haven't changed. Everytime we try to start over it doesn't work and its the same old thing. But here's the difference. My mindset. I'm in this. I'm committed. Maybe enough for the both of us right now. I'm ready to make this a priority and attack those deeper issues. The intimacy issues. The lack of fun and excitement. Despite my past words and actions, I was never truly ready before. At times I thought I was, but my therapist sort of convinced me otherwise.
I know we are not those same 19 year old kids that had their first kiss as a "makeout contest"...we've grown and changed. A lot. But I feel as though we owe it to those two kids to give this one more shot...
I can promise you with absolute certainty that things would be different and better. I can promise to stop being so overbearing and mom like. I can promise to give you your freedom. I can promise to not be a boring 80 year old woman who plays house everytime we hang out. I can promise to be less bossy. I can promise to unload less of my stress onto you. Most of all, I can promise to love you unconditionally. I can promise to try new things. I can promise to understand the difference between clingy and putting in effort. I can promise to stay up all night with you. I can promise to watch 3:10 to Yuma and Bicentennial Man. I can promise to love Scarlett. I can promise to be less judgemental. I can promise you "leopard spots" and massage oil, and makeout contests. I can promise you fun coupons. I can promise you countless memories to leave the past of limbo in the dust. I can even promise to root for the Red Sox...
I said these words to you once and they made a difference then, so I'm hoping maybe they will make a difference now.
I know that things with us have not been right for a long time. And I know the past has been hard on you. Its been really hard on me too. But I feel like I am finally at the point where I am capable of making decisions, making big scary decisions. I've struggled for a while to learn about myself and what I want and what I need. Obviously therapy was a major step that I took and as I've mentioned before, I feel like everything is coming together in my life, more so now with family involved, and the only thing missing from the picture is you.
I know I haven't had the best behavior in terms of my relationships with other guys...but if its taught me anything its taught me that none of them are you. I'm always left hanging comparing them to you or how I felt with you and it never amounts to anything close. I have been so selfish, and I can't apologize enough for that.
I know our relationship took a turn for the worst when we lost the physical aspect, largely due to my health issues at the time. And I know its continued to be a bit of a struggle.
I also know we've had this conversation over and over in the past and yet we are still at this awful place today. And I blame myself for that as I feel like I've often said one thing and then acted another and not put my all into it. You are so undeserving of the way I have treated you. And I think that is part of why I struggle so much. I know how I feel about you, but I run away because I cannot forgive myself for the way I've treated you and for allowing things to get to this point. I sit here and say to myself, really? How did I manage to screw this up? And I get so hung up on all the things I've done wrong, I feel like I don't deserve you in my life. And that's when I push you away again or when I run to some other guy. I also get upset and run away because I don't always see you putting in effort. I know that you do SO much for me, you help me whenever I ask. You do just about anything I ask, without a complaint or second thought. But sometimes I just wish you would plan a surprise whale day or send me flowers at work, or make some sort of gesture to show that you want this. Sometimes I wish you wouldn't forget to call me back or I just wish I could be a priority to you again.
But the bottom line is you are my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without you and I know we could be happy together. You are the first person I call when I have news to share, whether its bad or good. You are the last person I talk to before I go to bed. And I want you to know that I'm in. If you are willing to take one last leap of faith with me, give me one last chance to show you that we could be us again, and if not us exactly, some better amazing version of us. I've been waiting for way too long for some magical moment that I would be able to identify as the "right time" for fixing us. And I think I realize now, that there is no right time. Its going to be hard and its not always going to be a fairytale. We might not always agree, but I can promise you it will be worth it.
But at the end of the day, you are the person I want next to me. You are the person I want to introduce as my boyfriend. I know I can't make you feel anything you don't feel. But if there is even the slightest bit of you in there that still loves me or has hope, give me a chance. Even if there's not, at this point you're still investedm even if you think you've checked out. It's like in poker when you've put in your bets and someone wants to push you all in, but you're unsure...but at this point you are "pot committed". There is so much of your money already in the pot, it wouldn't make statistical sense not to take that chance. After all this time, after 5.5 years, after the hell you've been through with limbo, it wouldn't make sense not to give it one more chance after all the time and money and memories.
We can take things slow. We can get to know each other again, go on meaningful dates, have fun without food, find ways to be frugal and still have fun, fall in love again. We can set boundaries and expectations if you want. I have a list of all of the cool things we can do...
YOU are without a doubt the love of my life, and I'd never forgive myself for letting you go or letting you go without giving it everything I had. We ARE a great team. We compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses so well. I have no doubt that there's nothing we couldn't accomplish together if we tried.
So maybe you have this crappy car like mine, and maybe you think you don't want it anymore. I want something new, something with less stress and problems. But what happens with a fresh coat of paint and fixing the big issues one by one...it starts to run like new. All cars require maintenance, as do relationships. Even ones that have been through multiple accidents. Sometimes even restored cars, like that 69 Firebird, they just needed some TLC, but ultimately are still winners. And sometimes, those are the most reliable and well loved.