It's been a long, long time
So.
My health is a million times better, but still not exactly to where it needs to be. Tomorrow I go to the Endocrinologist and probably do some hormonal tests. And then I have a bunch of other important doctors appointments coming up this week too. Tuesday I go back to my Nutritionist and hopefully I get some good news back from some tests I did there.
I really think that everything's just going to fall into place now. I'm getting better, I'm feeling better all around. This is the best I've been I think in my whole life. For the first time, I know what it feels like to be genuinely happy and healthy, especially because of myself.
For the first time I'm actually giving myself credit. The past two years of my life I spent most of my time feeling so shitty about myself and hating myself, for absolutely nothing. I managed to cut bad influences and people (some of whom were good people that I do miss) out of my life, I quit being a huge pot head even if it meant losing all of my "friends" and social life, I quit smoking cigarettes, I started eating healthy and going to a gym, I changed my relationship with my dad for the better, I got close with my brother, I patched things up with my mom (and still am in the process of it). I accomplished so much, and yet I was totally depressed. I have so much to be proud of. I've moved on with life, I'm starting to take care of myself and love myself (as completely cheeseball as that sounds).
This experience of my brain tumor/intestinal issues especially, has really opened my eyes. Ever since my disturbingly bad drug trips a couple years ago, I knew that I had to change. It was like, my life and my body was trying to get it across to me that the life I was living was definitely not a good one. I feel like I've grown so much from that destructive teenager who absolutely hated herself and didn't give a fuck about a thing. There's this song by Green Day called Having A Blast. That song describes that period of my life perfectly. All of the shit I've been through has really made me believe in some amazing force out there. Or maybe, here, in all of us. I'm not one for organized religion at all, and I don't believe in believing in something that another person or group has told me to believe in just because (hah did that makes sense?), but I know for a fact that there is something amazing out there. And I do have my own few beliefs about it, but I won't get into it right now.
All I know is that I'm a believer now haha.
So even though the past two years have been long, draining, scary, and frustrating, it was good in a sense that I went through it. I had to grow as a person. For some people, it might take losing a hell of a lot, almost everything. Well, I didn't lose my family, who I've really started to love/appreciate. I never thought I would after all of the fucked up shit that's happened in our past, but the past is the past and we sure as hell pulled through a ton of shit. And I managed to make two really good close friends who know what it actually means to be true friends. I don't know how I did it because I was so depressed back then, but they must've seen something in me. I feel pretty lucky.
I don't have the urge anymore to go get drunk or get high. Well, sometimes I would love to go get a little tipsy, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. I don't feel like I NEED it like I used to. I just can't wait until I'm totally better. This summer is going to be crazy fun. Going to Warped Tour with my brother and our friends in a huge RV van is going to be quite an adventure haha. I'm looking forward to that, and working at the family restaurant! that will be open come around the end of May/June!! My first job as a waitress in my famiy's restaurant, that's pretty damn cool. And hopefully going to Michfest, although with the way things are looking now, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. But who knows what exactly what I'm going to do, I'm just going to go with the flow.
So there's my first really huge update back in my good ol' livejournal haha.
I don't really expect anyone to read this whole thing, but if you do then that's cool.
My health is a million times better, but still not exactly to where it needs to be. Tomorrow I go to the Endocrinologist and probably do some hormonal tests. And then I have a bunch of other important doctors appointments coming up this week too. Tuesday I go back to my Nutritionist and hopefully I get some good news back from some tests I did there.
I really think that everything's just going to fall into place now. I'm getting better, I'm feeling better all around. This is the best I've been I think in my whole life. For the first time, I know what it feels like to be genuinely happy and healthy, especially because of myself.
For the first time I'm actually giving myself credit. The past two years of my life I spent most of my time feeling so shitty about myself and hating myself, for absolutely nothing. I managed to cut bad influences and people (some of whom were good people that I do miss) out of my life, I quit being a huge pot head even if it meant losing all of my "friends" and social life, I quit smoking cigarettes, I started eating healthy and going to a gym, I changed my relationship with my dad for the better, I got close with my brother, I patched things up with my mom (and still am in the process of it). I accomplished so much, and yet I was totally depressed. I have so much to be proud of. I've moved on with life, I'm starting to take care of myself and love myself (as completely cheeseball as that sounds).
This experience of my brain tumor/intestinal issues especially, has really opened my eyes. Ever since my disturbingly bad drug trips a couple years ago, I knew that I had to change. It was like, my life and my body was trying to get it across to me that the life I was living was definitely not a good one. I feel like I've grown so much from that destructive teenager who absolutely hated herself and didn't give a fuck about a thing. There's this song by Green Day called Having A Blast. That song describes that period of my life perfectly. All of the shit I've been through has really made me believe in some amazing force out there. Or maybe, here, in all of us. I'm not one for organized religion at all, and I don't believe in believing in something that another person or group has told me to believe in just because (hah did that makes sense?), but I know for a fact that there is something amazing out there. And I do have my own few beliefs about it, but I won't get into it right now.
All I know is that I'm a believer now haha.
So even though the past two years have been long, draining, scary, and frustrating, it was good in a sense that I went through it. I had to grow as a person. For some people, it might take losing a hell of a lot, almost everything. Well, I didn't lose my family, who I've really started to love/appreciate. I never thought I would after all of the fucked up shit that's happened in our past, but the past is the past and we sure as hell pulled through a ton of shit. And I managed to make two really good close friends who know what it actually means to be true friends. I don't know how I did it because I was so depressed back then, but they must've seen something in me. I feel pretty lucky.
I don't have the urge anymore to go get drunk or get high. Well, sometimes I would love to go get a little tipsy, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. I don't feel like I NEED it like I used to. I just can't wait until I'm totally better. This summer is going to be crazy fun. Going to Warped Tour with my brother and our friends in a huge RV van is going to be quite an adventure haha. I'm looking forward to that, and working at the family restaurant! that will be open come around the end of May/June!! My first job as a waitress in my famiy's restaurant, that's pretty damn cool. And hopefully going to Michfest, although with the way things are looking now, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. But who knows what exactly what I'm going to do, I'm just going to go with the flow.
So there's my first really huge update back in my good ol' livejournal haha.
I don't really expect anyone to read this whole thing, but if you do then that's cool.