strange de ja vue...
i guess this would be my de ja vue of day 50....but its EXTREMELY different, i mean u can even look back at my journal entry on day 50 last time.....DEVASTED...praying, begging, pleading, screaming for him to come back..i couldnt have wanted anything more at the time......i could barely get thru an hour without a tear fallin, i was so sad.......
...today i didnt cry once, then again the night isnt over....but i havent cried lately, and i hvent really been counting the days the only reason i knew it was day 50 was cuz i felt funny a few days ago..and i counted....and i realized it was today.....but i havent cried myself to sleep everynight for teh last 50 days, and to be honest i dont fake my smiles that often as when before i faked EVERY smile till he came back....i admit i cry once in a while..ill be watching a show and itll remind me of things, or sometimes just randomly ill miss him..or at those times when people are lecturing me and passing down judjements that not only do they have no right to pass on me but that are completely false anyways and they dont kno what the heck they are talkin bout..and usually i just take it, cuz explaining myself is just too difficult....((kim understands what im speakin of, tho no one else will))....
the problem?? i bet ur wondering why theres a problem, im not counting the days this time, only faking smiles once in a while, not cryin myself to sleep everysingle night..granted when i see him my heart still shatters completely again for a split second till he passes and i cant breathe, when i hear his name i tense up, and whenever i think of him i try to play it off like its cool..even if its not.........but im still WAY WAY WAY WAY....and i mean WAY better than last time..those of u who were there with me would compltely agree right??
so whats the problem??..
........the problem is....im NOT okay....i kno it seems that way but im NOT i cant describe it, and i kno i can smile and hold the tears...but something still feels soooo incredibly off....i feel as if the only reason that im not as torn apart..is cuz part of me doesnt really believe its over........but most of u can vouch for the fact that it IS.....ok see...that word "is".....brought me less than half a second away from a tear........
what freaks me out...is what happens when my sub concious has to face reality that this IS for real.....that he isnt comin back in 100 days...that i dont just have 50 more days to go?.......or what happens if he does come back and does it again......do i get like i was last time?? or worse even??...
i dunno how to expain it...and i kno it sounds very odd......but im just not......seeing that kim is probably the only friend i have who has read thsi far...let me put it this way...
remember jose..((sorry))....u were realy sad for like 6 months or so....and at the end of those 6th months, u whiped ur tears, smiled, and made it thru everyday as if u did before u met him right??.........but think back and really think back....were you really OKAY?, like i know u werent FAKING the smiles and stuff...but didnt something sooo HUGE inside of u feel off??>.....well thats how i feel now....
and im sooos cared of facing teh day when in the back of my mind as sad as it is..im not still thinkin THIS ISNT IT YET...EVENTUALLY HE'LL COME BACK....and tho i say i wonttake him back.....
....well lets just say yall already kno...
I luv u kimmie...............
.......*sigh*..........
...today i didnt cry once, then again the night isnt over....but i havent cried lately, and i hvent really been counting the days the only reason i knew it was day 50 was cuz i felt funny a few days ago..and i counted....and i realized it was today.....but i havent cried myself to sleep everynight for teh last 50 days, and to be honest i dont fake my smiles that often as when before i faked EVERY smile till he came back....i admit i cry once in a while..ill be watching a show and itll remind me of things, or sometimes just randomly ill miss him..or at those times when people are lecturing me and passing down judjements that not only do they have no right to pass on me but that are completely false anyways and they dont kno what the heck they are talkin bout..and usually i just take it, cuz explaining myself is just too difficult....((kim understands what im speakin of, tho no one else will))....
the problem?? i bet ur wondering why theres a problem, im not counting the days this time, only faking smiles once in a while, not cryin myself to sleep everysingle night..granted when i see him my heart still shatters completely again for a split second till he passes and i cant breathe, when i hear his name i tense up, and whenever i think of him i try to play it off like its cool..even if its not.........but im still WAY WAY WAY WAY....and i mean WAY better than last time..those of u who were there with me would compltely agree right??
so whats the problem??..
........the problem is....im NOT okay....i kno it seems that way but im NOT i cant describe it, and i kno i can smile and hold the tears...but something still feels soooo incredibly off....i feel as if the only reason that im not as torn apart..is cuz part of me doesnt really believe its over........but most of u can vouch for the fact that it IS.....ok see...that word "is".....brought me less than half a second away from a tear........
what freaks me out...is what happens when my sub concious has to face reality that this IS for real.....that he isnt comin back in 100 days...that i dont just have 50 more days to go?.......or what happens if he does come back and does it again......do i get like i was last time?? or worse even??...
i dunno how to expain it...and i kno it sounds very odd......but im just not......seeing that kim is probably the only friend i have who has read thsi far...let me put it this way...
remember jose..((sorry))....u were realy sad for like 6 months or so....and at the end of those 6th months, u whiped ur tears, smiled, and made it thru everyday as if u did before u met him right??.........but think back and really think back....were you really OKAY?, like i know u werent FAKING the smiles and stuff...but didnt something sooo HUGE inside of u feel off??>.....well thats how i feel now....
and im sooos cared of facing teh day when in the back of my mind as sad as it is..im not still thinkin THIS ISNT IT YET...EVENTUALLY HE'LL COME BACK....and tho i say i wonttake him back.....
....well lets just say yall already kno...
I luv u kimmie...............
.......*sigh*..........