Happiness.
I had a conversation yesterday dealing with happiness. I had a conversation the day before that dealt with happiness.
"I don't think I can ever be happy."
"Happiness is very attainable. You have to make your own."
"It's too far fetched to wish for happiness."
I told Michael that I loved him yesterday. I told him I didn't expect to hear it back & didn't want to hear it if it wasn't truly reciprocated. He said it back. But.. he doesn't know how to feel anymore because of everything that has transpired in the past 10 years of his life... and everything that's going on now. I'm not really sure how to take that. He said it back but there was a "but". Lori told me that I should feel proud of myself. I told her I had never felt so frightened to be in love. Because with Michael, I feel like my heart is in unstable hands. Which, is contradictory because with ANYONE, your heart is in unstable hands because you don't know if they're the one or not. Lori said I should be scared, that being in Love and being brave enough to profess it is a scary thing & she would be worried if I wasn't scared. But that I should feel happy and proud of myself because I'm taking a chance. After everything that happened with Corey & Michael too, even, I'm still taking a chance & being true to who I am... and that's worth smiling about.
"I wish we could be ourselves and still be happy"
She's right but right now I feel really alone & weird. I don't want to be alone. But I want the right type of company. But I don't know what the right type of company is. I feel so conflicted within myself. Which, is bullshit. But, with all the stress in my home and on my shoulders from myself, I guess it isn't bullshit.
I just want to be happy again.
"I don't think I can ever be happy."
"Happiness is very attainable. You have to make your own."
"It's too far fetched to wish for happiness."
I told Michael that I loved him yesterday. I told him I didn't expect to hear it back & didn't want to hear it if it wasn't truly reciprocated. He said it back. But.. he doesn't know how to feel anymore because of everything that has transpired in the past 10 years of his life... and everything that's going on now. I'm not really sure how to take that. He said it back but there was a "but". Lori told me that I should feel proud of myself. I told her I had never felt so frightened to be in love. Because with Michael, I feel like my heart is in unstable hands. Which, is contradictory because with ANYONE, your heart is in unstable hands because you don't know if they're the one or not. Lori said I should be scared, that being in Love and being brave enough to profess it is a scary thing & she would be worried if I wasn't scared. But that I should feel happy and proud of myself because I'm taking a chance. After everything that happened with Corey & Michael too, even, I'm still taking a chance & being true to who I am... and that's worth smiling about.
"I wish we could be ourselves and still be happy"
She's right but right now I feel really alone & weird. I don't want to be alone. But I want the right type of company. But I don't know what the right type of company is. I feel so conflicted within myself. Which, is bullshit. But, with all the stress in my home and on my shoulders from myself, I guess it isn't bullshit.
I just want to be happy again.