(no subject)
It's been a while and I guess lately there isn't too much to say. I've been in this weird funk for a little while now and to be honest I'm not really sure what the solution is for it. It's hard to accept things sometimes, and it's even harder when you have to accept something you want more than anything. I guess, though, that wants don't override what is right, and sometimes not even what is meant to happen or is for the best. Which is unfortunate, I guess. But there are those times when you want that amazing feeling again-- the kind where it holds your heart while a smile is on your face, sends a tingle to your toes and makes you want to scrunch up your nose and squeal in disbelief that it's real. And you feel something so real that life is worth it. I guess maybe you wouldn't understand unless you've felt that, but it's hard to let go of once you HAVE felt it. The best way I can explain how I feel is the way I always have...
I want to find the person I could be in a large group with but yet still have that special bond with JUST that person. Be able to have fun amongst ourselves..You know... the whole inside jokes, silly faces, special looks, gazes, and mini conversations.
All about completely silly things that would only make sense to us, but would bring a smile every time. I want the ability to feel like I can completely be myself and know that this person will always love me for it. You know-- the person I will be able to say whatever I want around and not have to worry about whether or not he will like me after I say it, the person who will make me stop trying to impress or create 3493434 ways to get attention to be noticed by, the one who will get me to stop over analyzing things to the point where I convince myself completely he doesn't care, I just want the guy who will adore me and love me, smile at me and hold me the way I want to hold him. And through all of it, I want to have the person who still holds the ability to make me nervous... the butterflies and tingly feelings and all.
But.. again... having that feeling that you connect with a person on such levels and lose it over something completely stupid tends to make you rethink what you want and what you are doing. If people can't see beyond other aspects of your life and only want the more... phsyical... side of things what do you do? I mean how do you say no to someone who is very much there, just not in the ways your heart longs for? How do you tell that one person who makes you feel everything amazing that this is the end, this is it, nothing beyond friends nothing ever again? Especially when this person isn't even sure what they want?! I just don't know where the solution lies... I don't know what the right or wrong answer is and even if I did-- would it matter? Because somehow I think this is a way of punishment. Maybe I made some bad decisions when everything went wrong with this person but above and beyond it all he didn't want me and I just went with that and I never believed anything someone told me until he told me that-- but somehow my reaction to that may have ruined my chance of ever trying again?! Argh sometimes life is so difficult, so frustrating, and so hard to understand that it's just easier to push it away. But I don't want to push away something that is so completely important to me.. and my heart... and how I feel.
Anyway, friendship is all I get from this I guess. I suppose maybe that would even be easier to accept if I actually got to see him. I believe very much in the power of touch. Not so much the sexual kind, or even the intimate kind. but just the simple things that make us realize we're noticed.but the concept of touch goes so far beyond that, especially when you are considering close-ness emotionally.
basically, i know I am someone who needs physical attention. I need hugs, I need closeness. I need someone to graze my arm. hold my hand and rub my back, make me realize that they are happy I am there. And when I don't ever see him, I never feel this, and it's very important to me.
but something clicks in your heart.
and you look at them, as if you never want them to leave your side.
you've become vulnerable and open for the taking.
you've taken down a wall. and opened a door.
& you've put a little more of who you are out there.
and that's a scary thing.
& with that vulnerability, and that closeness, you develop more feelings for that person.
because they now have a part of you that you haven't let anyone else in on.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
It could be either or all. each and everyone has its own form of intimacy.
& i believe its important people realize just how important
each and all of those elements are.
And it really sucks when you know all of this, and so much more about how you feel, and the other person will never know.
I want to find the person I could be in a large group with but yet still have that special bond with JUST that person. Be able to have fun amongst ourselves..You know... the whole inside jokes, silly faces, special looks, gazes, and mini conversations.
All about completely silly things that would only make sense to us, but would bring a smile every time. I want the ability to feel like I can completely be myself and know that this person will always love me for it. You know-- the person I will be able to say whatever I want around and not have to worry about whether or not he will like me after I say it, the person who will make me stop trying to impress or create 3493434 ways to get attention to be noticed by, the one who will get me to stop over analyzing things to the point where I convince myself completely he doesn't care, I just want the guy who will adore me and love me, smile at me and hold me the way I want to hold him. And through all of it, I want to have the person who still holds the ability to make me nervous... the butterflies and tingly feelings and all.
But.. again... having that feeling that you connect with a person on such levels and lose it over something completely stupid tends to make you rethink what you want and what you are doing. If people can't see beyond other aspects of your life and only want the more... phsyical... side of things what do you do? I mean how do you say no to someone who is very much there, just not in the ways your heart longs for? How do you tell that one person who makes you feel everything amazing that this is the end, this is it, nothing beyond friends nothing ever again? Especially when this person isn't even sure what they want?! I just don't know where the solution lies... I don't know what the right or wrong answer is and even if I did-- would it matter? Because somehow I think this is a way of punishment. Maybe I made some bad decisions when everything went wrong with this person but above and beyond it all he didn't want me and I just went with that and I never believed anything someone told me until he told me that-- but somehow my reaction to that may have ruined my chance of ever trying again?! Argh sometimes life is so difficult, so frustrating, and so hard to understand that it's just easier to push it away. But I don't want to push away something that is so completely important to me.. and my heart... and how I feel.
Anyway, friendship is all I get from this I guess. I suppose maybe that would even be easier to accept if I actually got to see him. I believe very much in the power of touch. Not so much the sexual kind, or even the intimate kind. but just the simple things that make us realize we're noticed.but the concept of touch goes so far beyond that, especially when you are considering close-ness emotionally.
basically, i know I am someone who needs physical attention. I need hugs, I need closeness. I need someone to graze my arm. hold my hand and rub my back, make me realize that they are happy I am there. And when I don't ever see him, I never feel this, and it's very important to me.
but something clicks in your heart.
and you look at them, as if you never want them to leave your side.
you've become vulnerable and open for the taking.
you've taken down a wall. and opened a door.
& you've put a little more of who you are out there.
and that's a scary thing.
& with that vulnerability, and that closeness, you develop more feelings for that person.
because they now have a part of you that you haven't let anyone else in on.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
It could be either or all. each and everyone has its own form of intimacy.
& i believe its important people realize just how important
each and all of those elements are.
And it really sucks when you know all of this, and so much more about how you feel, and the other person will never know.