can't find a better man?

Apr 19, 2010 01:33

 can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

i can't seem to get away from disappointment. something always has to go wrong and i seem to never feel content with the way things are going. as i enter one of the busiest and most stressful times of the school year, i can't tear my mind away from a boy and the situation i am in with him. im at a loss. i don't know how to go about anything and i feel like im stomping on eggshells. no matter what im doing, my mind wanders to you and the things you used to say with ease. what happened to that boy and his feelings? why are you now doing a 180 in confusion? nothing has changed except your attitude towards me and im left feeling inadequate and undeserving when in reality, i know that i shouldn't feel either of those emotions.

cause you can't jump the track; we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button
so cradle your head in your hands and just
breathe.

the things i stress over now are so trivial in the long run. an old fling that i remember feeling so shitty about means almost nothing to me now. i remember the hurt he caused me but i obviously don't feel the exact disappointment i had for him the day he backed out. i still hate the bastard and if i saw him, i'd be immature and not say a damn word. forgiveness is not an easy thing for me. i tend to hold grudges. with this boy, i can't have things end badly. we have too many mutual good friends now and i couldn't stand the awkwardness. it would be unbearable and i know you would be soo awkward and uncomfortable around me if things ended here and now. i made decisions not based on you but i considered you a factor and im starting to feel really stupid about it. new rule: never base a decision off a boy until after graduation when im in the real world on my own. college is a time of experience and experimenting and i can and will do it on my own. i should be my number one priority and not worrying over another person who could potentially mean nothing a month from now.

every word feels like a shooting star
im at the edge of my emotions
watching the shadows burning in the dark
and im terrified
for the first time
and the last time.

i don't want to be "that" girl. the one that freaks out over the little things that she's not even sure happened or not. i don't want to be the girl that revolves her life around another person. i never have been that girl but for some insanely odd reason i feel myself falling into her tendencies. im too insecure, cautious, attentive, analytical, etc. the list of negative characteristics is neverending. not to say there aren't any positive ones. i like to think of myself as a strong willed and independent person. i feel like maybe im just so desperate to have another person there with me because its been so long. i feel unwanted which is a painful feeling. how do you rid yourself of that? only a person can help you dispose of that.

& nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back
i could be all that you need,
if you just let me try.

i refuse to be that girl. from here on out i am living my life for me as i once did. yes you're in my life and you make me happy but i go crazy in my head and it makes me feel so dumb. i should just not care in the same way it seems to me that you don't. i acknowledge your situation and respect it because i feel like i would do the same if i were in your shoes. but don't feed me bullshit. we will talk and it'll make or break. but no matter the outcome, ill still be here standing on my own damn two feet happy and ready to face the world.
sidenote: don't read horoscopes when all they do is reaffirm your doubts. doesn't exactly make you feel good.
Previous post Next post
Up